It is ironic I am the one with psychosis though I am the most realistic and rational person in my family. I explained it myriads of times to my family. We are in huge trouble especially financially. I cannot work my sister cannot work. Hell will break lose in the coming decades. After I explained it to my parents they forgot about it. Especially my dad thinks this evaluation was too pessimistic and caused by my depression. Well no I am pretty pretty sure that with my completely destroyed nervous system I will never be able to hold a normal job. I am studying part time and I have to take a lot of addictive medication to stay somewhat stable. And I still experienced manic and psychotic symptoms way too often. I was fired twice. I am just doing this university shit for...well I don't know, Social interactions (well they fucking trigger me), a degree with a GPA of 3.9 where the people in the unemployed agency think I was a crazy genius. Well I am certainly not that smart. Further I do it for my parents so that they are not panicking. There is a very tiny chance I find any job that I can do it part-time. Though I think the likelihood is lower than 10%. Moreover my illness usually proceeds in cycles and well when I crash again I gonna kill myself.
I also told that to my psychiatrist one time. And she forgot it because I did not mention it any further. (This might seem like she was a bad apple. She clearly is none. She is the by far the best psychiatrist I had. She is somewhat empathic. The other ones were deadly cold. I think many psychiatrist are numb as fuck.)
The situation improved on the surface. I am working for university a lot and from the outside some people might think I had a future. Just as another member I like a lot wrote it recently. It is not like suicidal people would not reach out enough (sometimes) the help that is offered is just too low. It is a well known fact that ecnonomical factors play a huge factor in many suicide. Though the same people who cry at assisted suicide debates about the poor vulnerable people don't give any shit on them on economical policies. The same applies for the hypocrites in the media.
My dad told me yesterday I should get my degree as quick as possible. He is such a moron. My health must be the first priority. My parents are so fucking naive on our future "prospects". The best outcome for them is they die early and don't have to witness that I commit suicide. My mom had a stroke recently I am quite sure I gonna kill myself after she dies. I am not made for this world. I am very much dependent on the support of others. I know how other people in similar conditions have to live. I had an aquaintance on welfare. He lives in a housing programm for mentally ill. The houses must be trash. I heard there are many thieves and acute psychotic people living in garbage with no hygiene. I am quite scared about the time period between my mom dying and me killing myself. I am pretty scared to become homeless and having no address where I let the SN be sent to. The acquaintance has radicalize himself and shit on certain minorities and spread hatred against them online. The contact with him was somewhat a rescue plan for me. In case SI was too strong I might have to live like him. I stopped the contact with him several months ago. I just could not live with it violating my own ethical principles to be so close to someone who actively spreads disgusting content on minorities. Some of his takes were truely disgusting. I should have insulted him even more before I stopped the contact. So the alternaitive plan to go to such a housing programm is gone. I could imagine if I am so desperate that this becomes a real option I rather lie my neck on the railway.
However I am a guy who is obsessed by safety and potential survivial as David Foster Wallace said "If there is one guy that fucks up a suicide attempt then I am that person." I forgot the exact words I think I read that in his biography. I have enough Amitryptiline here to kill me. It would take a lot of time and I think there are is a lot emetics in the pills I have. I read there are some ways how to use them anyway. Though my first option is SN. But I will only order it when the time is ready. I still try to postpone all of that. Though when I am realistic there is not much hope for me. I stopped hoping my family would become aware of all of that. I think being delusional might be better for their health. This is why I pretend everything was fine.
I think many people against suicide would argument against me. I had to reach out, talk to someone, find meaning in religion, change my mind on poverty. I had three psychotherapies, tried more than 20 different medication, was 7 times in a clinic within the last years. At the last stay they told my condition cannot be improved and they did not want me to stay there. One could think oh I met a lot of bad apples of professionals. Though this is not my problem. The problem is my condition cannot be improved enough in order that I want to stay alive. I had many resources. Though I know which hell awaits me when I relapse. And it is just not worth to live through this hell once again. I once read young intelligent people with schizophrenia are more likely to commit suicide because they are aware about the statistical probablities what is awaiting for them. I am not schizophrenic but hell yeah. I am aware of the pros and cons in life. My suicide won't be a spontaneous act. I am suicidal since a decade. This is not temporary for me. This is my whole fucking life.
My blood boiled when I followed the debate on assited suicide in my country. 3 fucking professionals have given up on me and considered me a lost case and that I will commit suicide. They say it will be the mixutre of poverty and bipolar illness. And they are fucking right about it. I won't survive that shit. There are many scenarios where I am just forced to commit suicide. But honestly I also don't want to live with this low life quality. My current life quality within the last 2,5 years was the best wtihin the last 8 years. I am still suicidal every single day. I am just suriviving because my parents do all the duties for me.
I am not sure how to react to the assisted suicide decision (both proposals were rejected). It would be for me justice if the society that destroyed me would also have the decency to help me to end my misery. But i just resignate. The lobby against it is just too powerful. I could now cry, get mad, start a social media campaing lol. But I don't know. I know how to get SN and I hope very much that this source won't vanish. I could now write a long essay on the right to die. But it is just worthless. I rather talk with people in a suicide forum that gives me a real choice about my problems than in counceling utilities for people with serious problems that treat me like a child. If this is what you want Germany and your journalists, politicians, and elites this is what you get. I am just cynical. I opened up to so many people. My core problems cannot solved by these people. The society had to actually care about cases like mine and give me fucking enough money $$$ instead of just some warm words.
It is useless I will end it here.
I also told that to my psychiatrist one time. And she forgot it because I did not mention it any further. (This might seem like she was a bad apple. She clearly is none. She is the by far the best psychiatrist I had. She is somewhat empathic. The other ones were deadly cold. I think many psychiatrist are numb as fuck.)
The situation improved on the surface. I am working for university a lot and from the outside some people might think I had a future. Just as another member I like a lot wrote it recently. It is not like suicidal people would not reach out enough (sometimes) the help that is offered is just too low. It is a well known fact that ecnonomical factors play a huge factor in many suicide. Though the same people who cry at assisted suicide debates about the poor vulnerable people don't give any shit on them on economical policies. The same applies for the hypocrites in the media.
My dad told me yesterday I should get my degree as quick as possible. He is such a moron. My health must be the first priority. My parents are so fucking naive on our future "prospects". The best outcome for them is they die early and don't have to witness that I commit suicide. My mom had a stroke recently I am quite sure I gonna kill myself after she dies. I am not made for this world. I am very much dependent on the support of others. I know how other people in similar conditions have to live. I had an aquaintance on welfare. He lives in a housing programm for mentally ill. The houses must be trash. I heard there are many thieves and acute psychotic people living in garbage with no hygiene. I am quite scared about the time period between my mom dying and me killing myself. I am pretty scared to become homeless and having no address where I let the SN be sent to. The acquaintance has radicalize himself and shit on certain minorities and spread hatred against them online. The contact with him was somewhat a rescue plan for me. In case SI was too strong I might have to live like him. I stopped the contact with him several months ago. I just could not live with it violating my own ethical principles to be so close to someone who actively spreads disgusting content on minorities. Some of his takes were truely disgusting. I should have insulted him even more before I stopped the contact. So the alternaitive plan to go to such a housing programm is gone. I could imagine if I am so desperate that this becomes a real option I rather lie my neck on the railway.
However I am a guy who is obsessed by safety and potential survivial as David Foster Wallace said "If there is one guy that fucks up a suicide attempt then I am that person." I forgot the exact words I think I read that in his biography. I have enough Amitryptiline here to kill me. It would take a lot of time and I think there are is a lot emetics in the pills I have. I read there are some ways how to use them anyway. Though my first option is SN. But I will only order it when the time is ready. I still try to postpone all of that. Though when I am realistic there is not much hope for me. I stopped hoping my family would become aware of all of that. I think being delusional might be better for their health. This is why I pretend everything was fine.
I think many people against suicide would argument against me. I had to reach out, talk to someone, find meaning in religion, change my mind on poverty. I had three psychotherapies, tried more than 20 different medication, was 7 times in a clinic within the last years. At the last stay they told my condition cannot be improved and they did not want me to stay there. One could think oh I met a lot of bad apples of professionals. Though this is not my problem. The problem is my condition cannot be improved enough in order that I want to stay alive. I had many resources. Though I know which hell awaits me when I relapse. And it is just not worth to live through this hell once again. I once read young intelligent people with schizophrenia are more likely to commit suicide because they are aware about the statistical probablities what is awaiting for them. I am not schizophrenic but hell yeah. I am aware of the pros and cons in life. My suicide won't be a spontaneous act. I am suicidal since a decade. This is not temporary for me. This is my whole fucking life.
My blood boiled when I followed the debate on assited suicide in my country. 3 fucking professionals have given up on me and considered me a lost case and that I will commit suicide. They say it will be the mixutre of poverty and bipolar illness. And they are fucking right about it. I won't survive that shit. There are many scenarios where I am just forced to commit suicide. But honestly I also don't want to live with this low life quality. My current life quality within the last 2,5 years was the best wtihin the last 8 years. I am still suicidal every single day. I am just suriviving because my parents do all the duties for me.
I am not sure how to react to the assisted suicide decision (both proposals were rejected). It would be for me justice if the society that destroyed me would also have the decency to help me to end my misery. But i just resignate. The lobby against it is just too powerful. I could now cry, get mad, start a social media campaing lol. But I don't know. I know how to get SN and I hope very much that this source won't vanish. I could now write a long essay on the right to die. But it is just worthless. I rather talk with people in a suicide forum that gives me a real choice about my problems than in counceling utilities for people with serious problems that treat me like a child. If this is what you want Germany and your journalists, politicians, and elites this is what you get. I am just cynical. I opened up to so many people. My core problems cannot solved by these people. The society had to actually care about cases like mine and give me fucking enough money $$$ instead of just some warm words.
It is useless I will end it here.
