My family doesn't know that I'm severely autistic (!) and it's a huge burden for me... And the psychiatry's views on my situation are too...

[Sakura.]

Last evening I went to visit my grandmother. It would have been fine, except for one incident that so emotionally upset me that I wish it hadn't happened. My grandmother was watching a dance show with "famous" people during my visit. At one point, when the next dance pair, which included an actress, was being announced, my grandmother started saying:


-That actress has... this... spectrum... (You can imagine how I started to feel when this topic was brought up...)... what is it called?... P...

(Me in my thougts: PTSD? I know it's not a spectrum, but Please, please say PTSD)

-...Autism.

(Me: ...)

-And she was in college and she graduated. And she became an actress.

(Me: ...)

-And Mrs. Ania's (a close friend of my narcissistic, abusive, now deceased mother) daughter also has this spectrum.

(Me: ...)


I'm not someone who gets angry or upset with others, but at that moment I thought:


-Great. But do you know that I'm also on "this" spectrum? (And my younger brother too...)

No, of course, she doesn't. It's clear from her statement that she doesn't. And all the other members of my family don't know either.

***

I don't have "mild" autism, which is so unrecognizable that a person can live their entire life with it without even realizing it, while leading a completely normal life and never even feeling that there's anything seriously wrong with them. I don't have more severe autism, which is actually known and conscious to a person, so recognizable that others know and feel it, but despite this, they can still lead a completely normal life, still have friends, still have relationships, still be liked and accepted by everyone.


I have the kind of autism that completely prevents me from functioning normally and makes my life completely unbearable. No one wants to talk to me, no one wants to be my friend, no one wants to interact with me in any way or even say hello. I'm the kind of person that even just existing with me is humiliating to everyone else, that even having to simply exist, for example, sitting in class with me, is a terrible thing for everyone else. None of my interactions work, none of them lead to any kind of friendship or conversation, and I no longer know if this is independent of other people and simply stems from my autism, or if it truly stems from other people's disgust for me. I'm completely rejected by everyone, alienated, and isolated. No one has ever written to me, no one has ever wanted to talk to me or spend time with me, no one has ever wanted to be my friend. And if we combine all of this with my repulsive appearance, you can imagine what all this means to me.


My life is utterly awful, and yet my family has no inkling of it. I'm completely open about my life, making no secret of the fact that nothing is right with me, yet it's completely ignored. I can openly and directly say that I have no friends, that no one wants to talk to me, that no one wants to keep in touch with me, and yet such things don't even register with my family. If something so simple doesn't register with them, it's hard to imagine that it's all due to my autism, something they simply don't understand.


After all, I'm also "graduating" and have "my whole life ahead of me." What's more, I'm also graduating from what's supposedly the second-best and most prestigious major in one of the best universities in my country. If nothing happens, I'll likely be named (supposedly) the best student because of my highest GPA. And you can see perfectly well that none of this means anything, and how terrible despite this my situation is.


***

In this situation with my grandmother, something else really irritated me. I have no idea about this daughter of my narcissistic mother's friend. I have no idea how old she is, what her life is like, what she looks like, how she copes with all her autism-related problems, or whether she can lead a normal social life despite them. But after mentioning her (professional) diagnosis, I pictured what "professional help" would be like for her.

A young girl, beautiful—I hope so, if you're repulsive-looking, like me, everyone, even in such a terrible situation, treats you like a subhuman, and yet, strangely, they forbid you from committing suicide—but with a face full of pain, anxiety, and confusion at how devastated she is, at the reality of her life. The problem is, this life can't be changed, can't be fixed, it will always look so awful. In that case, how could you make her "feel" "better"? Unfortunately, so-called professional help won't do this in any real way. Unfortunately, therapy in such cases boils down to brainwashing. The person will remain in their exact, most dire situation, yet they will "feel" "perfect" in it because they were so perfectly manipulated by the psychologist in their assessment of their situation and have learned to manipulate themselves.


As long as someone wants this themselves, and ideally, is fully aware of it's true nature, then there's nothing wrong with it. But I absolutely don't want to do this myself, nor would it even be possible for me, because I simply wouldn't be capable of being susceptible to something like that. I don't want to manipulate myself, I don't want to deceive myself, brainwash myself, and "feel" better in that way—and that's the only thing being offered to me. As something that "works," that "helps," and, moreover, is "scientifically confirmed and proven."


I tried to truly get better, I tried to truly change my situation, I tried to truly lead a normal life, being who I am. But it was completely impossible, and there's nothing I can do about it. This life I have to lead is unbearable for me, and I truly must commit suicide. At the same time, I cannot disclose all these problems directly, because that would mean that I would be forced into all these psychological influences that I do not want, and I would be blamed for the fact that they simply cannot work and change my situation. I would be forced to participate in therapy, to constantly defend myself against the psychologist's manipulation and guilt-tripping, and if I didn't want to submit to such brainwashing, which would "surely make me feel better", I would be blamed for "not wanting to cooperate" and "not wanting to recover." I would be forced to drug myself with psychotropic substances, because supposedly that's definitely where my problem lies, not with how my life is or how I feel about it. It's best to drug someone with every possible psychotropic substance, flood their brain with serotonin with one, and stop them from thinking altogether with another, and that would solve my problem. All of this is supposedly supposed to help me, but it only becomes a huge burden, making me feel even more tragic and wanting to commit suicide even more.

 

[SASU-KE]

After all, I'm also "graduating" and have "my whole life ahead of me." What's more, I'm also graduating from what's supposedly the second-best and most prestigious major in one of the best universities in my country. If nothing happens, I'll likely be named (supposedly) the best student because of my highest GPA. And you can see perfectly well that none of this means anything, and how terrible despite this my situation is.

So you have a bright future. You're smart. You'll land a good job and be successful or be an entrepreneur. Financially secure as well.That's something to look forward to?

***

In this situation with my grandmother, something else really irritated me. I have no idea about this daughter of my narcissistic mother's friend. I have no idea how old she is, what her life is like, what she looks like, how she copes with all her autism-related problems, or whether she can lead a normal social life despite them. But after mentioning her (professional) diagnosis, I pictured what "professional help" would be like for her.

You are unlucky in not getting a supportive family. I'll agree with that. They don't disguise their insensitivity either.

A young girl, beautiful—I hope so, if you're repulsive-looking, like me, everyone, even in such a terrible situation, treats you like a subhuman, and yet, strangely, they forbid you from committing suicide—but with a face full of pain, anxiety, and confusion at how devastated she is, at the reality of her life. The problem is, this life can't be changed, can't be fixed, it will always look so awful. In that case, how could you make her "feel" "better"? Unfortunately, so-called professional help won't do this in any real way. Unfortunately, therapy in such cases boils down to brainwashing. The person will remain in their exact, most dire situation, yet they will "feel" "perfect" in it because they were so perfectly manipulated by the psychologist in their assessment of their situation and have learned to manipulate themselves.


As long as someone wants this themselves, and ideally, is fully aware of it's true nature, then there's nothing wrong with it. But I absolutely don't want to do this myself, nor would it even be possible for me, because I simply wouldn't be capable of being susceptible to something like that. I don't want to manipulate myself, I don't want to deceive myself, brainwash myself, and "feel" better in that way—and that's the only thing being offered to me. As something that "works," that "helps," and, moreover, is "scientifically confirmed and proven."

If you are not satisfied with how you look and this can be really subjective what about plastic surgery?
Sorry you're struggling so much.

 

[Sakura.]

So you have a bright future. You're smart. You'll land a good job and be successful or be an entrepreneur. Financially secure as well.That's something to look forward to?

I'm sorry... I understand you're trying to help me, and I'm very grateful for that, but unfortunately, in my case, it's absolutely not what you wrote. It's a coincidence, because yesterday I wrote here about the very topic you raised:

My life is so terrible that no ordinary problems (that all of those wonderful people do have) really matter compared to my main problem. For example, I'm just finishing university and will soon be trying to start a job. "Be trying", because no one will want to hire a retarded and repulsive-looking person. If they do, my work will be a chore every moment of it (I really know what I'm talking about), and at the beginning of it, I will potentially be unpaid for it, or at best, I will be earning the minimum wage in the country for a very long time after my supposedly second-most demanding studies. And for example, something like that isn't a problem for me at all. I don't worry about it. My life is so terrible that earning ridiculously low amounts of money won't be a problem at all. For example, because I'll never have the opportunity to use it in such a life anyway. Just as all the theoretically positive things in such a life have no meaning in such a life.

If you are not satisfied with how you look and this can be really subjective what about plastic surgery?

I'm open to writing here that I look repulsive, but I must admit that it's harder for me to write about the specifics. It's certainly not a matter of being merely "dissatisfied" with how I look, or that it's something purely subjective and that others might not perceive it that way. Quite the opposite. I give the impression of a monster, and that's something completely objective. And in my case, it's difficult to point out any specific aspects that could be changed, even with plastic surgery, to make me look good, or at least to make my appearance less offensive to others. That's why I don't write that I "look ugly" (due to any specific flaws in my appearance), but that I look repulsive, because I simply give that impression, and it's something intangible. Nothing can be done to fix it; my overall appearance is simply awful. This is also exacerbated by my autistic facial expressions and body language, which make other people perceive me as retarded and want nothing to do with me. My mental health also, of course, has a very negative impact on my facial appearance and how it affects how I'm perceived, but it's not the main problem—I broke the vicious cycle and was treated just as badly.

Appearance determines absolutely everything in life, how you're perceived, how you're treated, whether everyone sees you positively, likes you, wants to be your friend and spend time with you, or whether they're disgusted by you, don't even see you as a human being, and want nothing to do with you. And I had to face the prospect of looking like a retarded monster...


But thank you for your help, SASU-KE!

 

[ButterflySucideBaby]

Are you certain your Grandmother wasn't maybe trying to hint to you that she knows this about you, perhaps trying to bring up the topic in casual conversation in hopes that you would open up? As a bystander, that is really how the conversation read to me, & autism itself is in-part a disorder of being unable to read between the lines in subtle indirect communication, that would make it difficult to know for certain. In my opinion, unless she makes comments like this all the time, that's such an odd thing for her to bring up offhandedly while you're visiting her, unless she had ulterior motives. In my experience, severe autism is fairly obvious. Unless you don't spend much time with your family, or they are completely oblivious people, they would have noticed this about you already. Is your family bigoted towards autistics? What would happen if you tried to talk about it?

 

[SASU-KE]

I'm sorry... I understand you're trying to help me, and I'm very grateful for that, but unfortunately, in my case, it's absolutely not what you wrote. It's a coincidence, because yesterday I wrote here about the very topic you raised:

My life is so terrible that no ordinary problems (that all of those wonderful people do have) really matter compared to my main problem. For example, I'm just finishing university and will soon be trying to start a job. "Be trying", because no one will want to hire a retarded and repulsive-looking person. If they do, my work will be a chore every moment of it (I really know what I'm talking about), and at the beginning of it, I will potentially be unpaid for it, or at best, I will be earning the minimum wage in the country for a very long time after my supposedly second-most demanding studies. And for example, something like that isn't a problem for me at all. I don't worry about it. My life is so terrible that earning ridiculously low amounts of money won't be a problem at all. For example, because I'll never have the opportunity to use it in such a life anyway. Just as all the theoretically positive things in such a life have no meaning in such a life.



I'm open to writing here that I look repulsive, but I must admit that it's harder for me to write about the specifics. It's certainly not a matter of being merely "dissatisfied" with how I look, or that it's something purely subjective and that others might not perceive it that way. Quite the opposite. I give the impression of a monster, and that's something completely objective. And in my case, it's difficult to point out any specific aspects that could be changed, even with plastic surgery, to make me look good, or at least to make my appearance less offensive to others. That's why I don't write that I "look ugly" (due to any specific flaws in my appearance), but that I look repulsive, because I simply give that impression, and it's something intangible. Nothing can be done to fix it; my overall appearance is simply awful. This is also exacerbated by my autistic facial expressions and body language, which make other people perceive me as retarded and want nothing to do with me. My mental health also, of course, has a very negative impact on my facial appearance and how it affects how I'm perceived, but it's not the main problem—I broke the vicious cycle and was treated just as badly.

Appearance determines absolutely everything in life, how you're perceived, how you're treated, whether everyone sees you positively, likes you, wants to be your friend and spend time with you, or whether they're disgusted by you, don't even see you as a human being, and want nothing to do with you. And I had to face the prospect of looking like a retarded monster...


But thank you for your help, SASU-KE!

It makes a bit more sense when you explain it that way. I'm sorry you're struggling so hard. I hope you're able to meet some decent people.

Also, I've always liked that little caricature that you post sometimes,it's cute

 

[Sakura.]

Also, I've always liked that little caricature that you post sometimes,it's cute

Wow, I didn't expect such a comment! It's a traumacore aesthetic. I'm incredibly glad you like my images in it! Thank you!

Are you certain your Grandmother wasn't maybe trying to hint to you that she knows this about you, perhaps trying to bring up the topic in casual conversation in hopes that you would open up? As a bystander, that is really how the conversation read to me, & autism itself is in-part a disorder of being unable to read between the lines in subtle indirect communication, that would make it difficult to know for certain. In my opinion, unless she makes comments like this all the time, that's such an odd thing for her to bring up offhandedly while you're visiting her, unless she had ulterior motives. In my experience, severe autism is fairly obvious. Unless you don't spend much time with your family, or they are completely oblivious people, they would have noticed this about you already. Is your family bigoted towards autistics? What would happen if you tried to talk about it?

Hi ButterflySucideBaby! Thank you so much for your post! I really, really appreciate it!

Thank you for bringing this up. I must admit that, from the perspective of those reading this thread and only reading this very short, out-of-context excerpt from a nearly two-hour conversation at the meeting, it might seem as if my grandmother was starting the conversation this way, hoping I would understand it myself, take up the topic, and open up to it. But no, that wasn't the case. Even in that moment, when I mentally asked, "Don't you know that I also have autism?" I fully felt, "She just doesn't know..." It wasn't her knowing that I have autism and indirectly suggesting it, but rather her bringing it up without any awareness that I have autism. It was this lack of awareness that was so striking.

I understand that bringing this up might seem suspicious and that it might indicate that my grandmother had an ulterior motive, but she truly didn't—and I still believe this even after you planted that seed of doubt in me. My autism is very specific and doesn't really have any specific elements, such as the inability to read facial expressions. I'm a textbook example of a person with autism who, in my own way, is like neurotypical people—and yet the very fact that my mind simply functions differently makes it impossible for me to function normally. And that's precisely the severeness of my autism, in my case—the fact that it makes my life unbearable, not necessarily the fact that I'm a low-functioning autistic. I also have no problem reading between the lines and deciphering more subtle messages—and that's precisely why my grandmother's statement was so shocking to me, because it was so clear that she didn't know I had autism, too. I understand that now that you've sown this seed of uncertainty, it won't be so certain, but I truly was certain. Naturally, the tone and actual content of this statement were lost in the transcription and translation from my native language into English. The meeting also unfolded as follows: I was sitting with my grandmother, not saying anything myself due to my autism, while my grandmother spoke for two hours, nonstop, on completely different topics. Therefore, among the millions of topics discussed, and for example, comments about every person on this show, commenting on another person's autism wasn't suspicious. For some time now, mainstream media in my country have been covering autism—of course, with the idea that people with autism "can lead exactly the same lives as people without autism," that autism is irrelevant, that it's something positively extraordinary and good, that people with it can have exactly the same social life, have friends, and so on... One of the three major television stations aired a popular program featuring people with autism, and that's how my grandmother was able to connect the dots, without even realizing what autism even was.

None of my family members have the slightest awareness or understanding of autism and the terrible impact it has on my life. If I wanted to talk about it, it would be ignored, at best, just as much as all my more understandable problems, which I tried to discuss with them in some way, like being rejected by everyone, having no friends, being completely alienated. If they can't even begin to understand something like this, how could they possibly understand the root cause of these problems, which no one without autism can understand? While I'm very open about my problems and don't hide them at all, I also feel I have to be very careful in this regard. I know that if I were to come out directly with autism, I could be met with hysteria, gaslighting, saying I don't have autism at all, that autism doesn't look like it, and that I'm just making things up, or being forced into therapy that I don't want for the reasons described above. As you can see, there's no way I could get help from them by talking to them about it. They've known everything about me throughout my life that everything was wrong, and they've never helped me, never even tried to do anything to help me..