My Failure as a Girlfriend

[hiddenbpd]

My long term relationship (which was quite toxic and abusive- emotionally and sexually) ended just prior to the wedding because I was coerced into cheating by a guy online while heavily suicidal, impressionable and vulnerable (still my fault, I understand).

I have now found someone who loves me, has so much space for my feelings and wants to support me as best as he can. But the sexual trauma I experienced affected me way more than I thought. Now, I'm struggling to feel safe to share that part of me with my new partner. I end up breaking down and he's left comforting me (what a mood killer). Not to mention also the wicked mood swings and other symptoms that come with having PMDD.
He's patient and tries to be understanding, but guys will only be so patient without the sex need being fulfilled.
I'm back to wanting to die so, so bad. I hate who I've become and that I can't even enjoy the easiest part of a relationship. He, and everyone else for that matter, deserve a life without me in it causing undue stress. I want so badly to no longer exist, but I don't know how to finally get myself to do it . I'm weak af.

 

[SchrodingerIsDed]

No shame in being weak. That's why we lift weights to get stronger. :)

I wish you peace whatever you decide.

 

[GettingGone]

My long term relationship (which was quite toxic and abusive- emotionally and sexually) ended just prior to the wedding because I was coerced into cheating by a guy online while heavily suicidal, impressionable and vulnerable (still my fault, I understand).

I have now found someone who loves me, has so much space for my feelings and wants to support me as best as he can. But the sexual trauma I experienced affected me way more than I thought. Now, I'm struggling to feel safe to share that part of me with my new partner. I end up breaking down and he's left comforting me (what a mood killer). Not to mention also the wicked mood swings and other symptoms that come with having PMDD.
He's patient and tries to be understanding, but guys will only be so patient without the sex need being fulfilled.
I'm back to wanting to die so, so bad. I hate who I've become and that I can't even enjoy the easiest part of a relationship. He, and everyone else for that matter, deserve a life without me in it causing undue stress. I want so badly to no longer exist, but I don't know how to finally get myself to do it . I'm weak af.

I relate to your pain. The things I've done with past partners has ruined my ability to truly feel present during sex. And I feel like I messed myself up and I'm tainted. I've told partners before about my past, but it always leads to a sex focused relationship until it dies. At what point do I quit trying? Idk. It's been hitting hard lately. I'm sorry for your pain. I wish I could do more for you, but for now all I can say is I'm here.

 

[Crematoryy]

My long term relationship (which was quite toxic and abusive- emotionally and sexually) ended just prior to the wedding because I was coerced into cheating by a guy online while heavily suicidal, impressionable and vulnerable (still my fault, I understand).

I have now found someone who loves me, has so much space for my feelings and wants to support me as best as he can. But the sexual trauma I experienced affected me way more than I thought. Now, I'm struggling to feel safe to share that part of me with my new partner. I end up breaking down and he's left comforting me (what a mood killer). Not to mention also the wicked mood swings and other symptoms that come with having PMDD.
He's patient and tries to be understanding, but guys will only be so patient without the sex need being fulfilled.
I'm back to wanting to die so, so bad. I hate who I've become and that I can't even enjoy the easiest part of a relationship. He, and everyone else for that matter, deserve a life without me in it causing undue stress. I want so badly to no longer exist, but I don't know how to finally get myself to do it . I'm weak af.

What would be the easy part of a relationship? (the beginning, I suppose). Is that what you were referring to?

"He's patient and tries to be understanding, but guys will only be so patient without the sexual need being fulfilled." You say that after men manage to get sex, their agreeableness drops dramatically? This is partially true, but not necessarily so. If someone treats you well only until they get sex, what were their primary intentions?

My sexual trauma is precisely the opposite: the trauma of absence. (a little hilarious but no less tragic)