This happened about 4 months ago.
I checked into a hotel in a different city for 2 nights; banned myself from this forum; formatted my cellphone and my laptop; cut my credit card, debit card, and the SIM card; and wrote my well.
After setting the scene, I got drunk. Then, ... I spent most of the next 2 nights/days trying to pass out and die. It didn't happen. I used 1/2 inch double braided nylon rope. I think it was too thick. I tried different angles, different body positions, different rope lengths, and different knots. No! I couldn't pass out. I was even pressing on the knot trying to tighten the rope around my neck, and looked at the mirror to see my face turning purple. In the beginning, I was counting to 2 minutes then abort. Then, I stopped counting and stay hanging until I start chocking and feel my windpipe about to break. Of-course, the SI kicks in and I stand up.
I was anticipating this day for 10 months. I wasn't actively preparing for it. But, when I considered suicide seriously, I didn't want my suicide to be rushed and because of a temporary distress phase. So, I looked ahead in time and realized that my birthday was 10 months away. That's why I chose that day. Not because it was my birthday, but because it was 10 months away. Which I think was enough time to pass a distress phase, reconsider my options, and try to pick up my life. So at that time, I recorded a video message to my family and mentioned in it: here when I considered suicide and why.
I tried to pick up my life, but things didn't work out. So about 2 months before my birthday, I decided to go ahead with the suicide plan. So as part of the plan, I recorded additional video messages to my family, planned and paid for my funeral which was just a cremation, got rid of almost all my stuff (including my clothes), closed all my social media and email accounts except one email to send scheduled emails, and left my apartment one month early.
In the hotel, on the morning of the checkout day, I was in a shitty situation. Thinking: Now what? This wasn't the plan. I'm not supposed to be alive!
I managed to access my email account and sent an email to a friend in the same city. That was around 5 am. We agreed to meet in the evening at 6 pm. Surprisingly, getting a new debit card and a SIM card replacement was easy. After we met, I took her in my car to a nearby crowded park. We talked for a while. Then, I mentioned my suicide attempt. She insisted on me spending the night in her apartment. And while I was asleep, she called the distress line. They told her not to call the LE. But earlier, while I was talking about my suicide attempt, I mentioned that I was seeing a psychologist in a different city but I stopped. So, the next day I returned back to my apartment. And the day after, I received a call from my psychologist. He got an email from my friend. I guess she emailed all the psychologists in that city. We set up an appointment, and I continue to see him monthly.
Things become way harder after my attempt. Especially financially. Because I didn't take the possibility of failing my suicide attempt seriously, I didn't save payment for my apartment, maxed my credit card, don't have enough clothes especially for the Canadian winter because I got rid of all of them, and I didn't maintain my car which I use for work all day being self-employed. This financial pressure is an accelerating factor toward my next attempt.
Most likely, my next attempt will be SN. I hope I succeed in it.
I checked into a hotel in a different city for 2 nights; banned myself from this forum; formatted my cellphone and my laptop; cut my credit card, debit card, and the SIM card; and wrote my well.
After setting the scene, I got drunk. Then, ... I spent most of the next 2 nights/days trying to pass out and die. It didn't happen. I used 1/2 inch double braided nylon rope. I think it was too thick. I tried different angles, different body positions, different rope lengths, and different knots. No! I couldn't pass out. I was even pressing on the knot trying to tighten the rope around my neck, and looked at the mirror to see my face turning purple. In the beginning, I was counting to 2 minutes then abort. Then, I stopped counting and stay hanging until I start chocking and feel my windpipe about to break. Of-course, the SI kicks in and I stand up.
I was anticipating this day for 10 months. I wasn't actively preparing for it. But, when I considered suicide seriously, I didn't want my suicide to be rushed and because of a temporary distress phase. So, I looked ahead in time and realized that my birthday was 10 months away. That's why I chose that day. Not because it was my birthday, but because it was 10 months away. Which I think was enough time to pass a distress phase, reconsider my options, and try to pick up my life. So at that time, I recorded a video message to my family and mentioned in it: here when I considered suicide and why.
I tried to pick up my life, but things didn't work out. So about 2 months before my birthday, I decided to go ahead with the suicide plan. So as part of the plan, I recorded additional video messages to my family, planned and paid for my funeral which was just a cremation, got rid of almost all my stuff (including my clothes), closed all my social media and email accounts except one email to send scheduled emails, and left my apartment one month early.
In the hotel, on the morning of the checkout day, I was in a shitty situation. Thinking: Now what? This wasn't the plan. I'm not supposed to be alive!
I managed to access my email account and sent an email to a friend in the same city. That was around 5 am. We agreed to meet in the evening at 6 pm. Surprisingly, getting a new debit card and a SIM card replacement was easy. After we met, I took her in my car to a nearby crowded park. We talked for a while. Then, I mentioned my suicide attempt. She insisted on me spending the night in her apartment. And while I was asleep, she called the distress line. They told her not to call the LE. But earlier, while I was talking about my suicide attempt, I mentioned that I was seeing a psychologist in a different city but I stopped. So, the next day I returned back to my apartment. And the day after, I received a call from my psychologist. He got an email from my friend. I guess she emailed all the psychologists in that city. We set up an appointment, and I continue to see him monthly.
Things become way harder after my attempt. Especially financially. Because I didn't take the possibility of failing my suicide attempt seriously, I didn't save payment for my apartment, maxed my credit card, don't have enough clothes especially for the Canadian winter because I got rid of all of them, and I didn't maintain my car which I use for work all day being self-employed. This financial pressure is an accelerating factor toward my next attempt.
Most likely, my next attempt will be SN. I hope I succeed in it.
