Webnext
Member
- Mar 2, 2024
- 15
At the end of January 2021, I was 18M and was very anxious, worried, and distressed about my education and my driving. I had a panic attacks while learning how to drive back then. Right now I can drive fine but even then I still get PTSD from doing it even today like heavy traffic, road rage, etc. During my junior year of high school, I was a straight A student and was passing my classes just fine so I didn't had a problem with my education back then.
In the beginning of February 2021, I started talking to myself how life was never gonna get better for me and that I'll never be successful as any other person will be and so before I even knew this site existed, I came across a page talking about H2S suicide and how it can be done like what chemicals to get and everything. So of course I was very distressed and wanted to die with no hesitation and feeling pain in my chest like I am today. So that day, I remember going to my local Home Depot and I remember asking one of the employees who worked there who was a guy asking if they have any of the chemicals that were required for the H2S method and he immediately said Woah that's a very toxic chemical and of course they didn't had it (Why would they but I didn't know that since I really wanted to die), and when he asked what am I using it for I said to him that it was for a family member (I had to lie since I never tell anyone about my suicide especially in public).
So obviously I was upset and I looked online and found the chemicals that I got. Days later with no questions or welfare checks, they arrived and had them hidden in my closet for awhile knowing that I had a plan if I wanted to CTB. Around a few months later, my mom noticed the chemicals in my closet and she looked up what they were and found the same page that I was reading how it can be used for H2S suicide and so my mom wanted to talk to me and sure enough I admitted that I was going to kill myself and my mom was in a complete wreck and telling me how she would never recover from that if I was dead and she put me into a psychiatrist and therapy sessions to help me get better. My therapist wanted me to sign a contract that she made from a word document saying that if I feel suicidal again to call the hotline or visit the hospital and had to make me sign it which I was forced to. The contract wasn't anything that would be saved as a record since it was just a word document that she typed out in a computer.
So three years now, I'm 21 and right now I'm experience suicide again and keep on saying myself why did my mom took my plan away that was my only way to escape my suffering. But now since I'm on this forum finding a method that I cannot fail, was thinking about SN next and I know my mom will never be the same without me but I don't care about her that much plus I don't love her anymore and I want to go now. It's been a stressful life now that I'm in college and haven't been doing well on my tests like my classmates that are doing well despite me taking tutoring and homework help.
Thanks for reading!
In the beginning of February 2021, I started talking to myself how life was never gonna get better for me and that I'll never be successful as any other person will be and so before I even knew this site existed, I came across a page talking about H2S suicide and how it can be done like what chemicals to get and everything. So of course I was very distressed and wanted to die with no hesitation and feeling pain in my chest like I am today. So that day, I remember going to my local Home Depot and I remember asking one of the employees who worked there who was a guy asking if they have any of the chemicals that were required for the H2S method and he immediately said Woah that's a very toxic chemical and of course they didn't had it (Why would they but I didn't know that since I really wanted to die), and when he asked what am I using it for I said to him that it was for a family member (I had to lie since I never tell anyone about my suicide especially in public).
So obviously I was upset and I looked online and found the chemicals that I got. Days later with no questions or welfare checks, they arrived and had them hidden in my closet for awhile knowing that I had a plan if I wanted to CTB. Around a few months later, my mom noticed the chemicals in my closet and she looked up what they were and found the same page that I was reading how it can be used for H2S suicide and so my mom wanted to talk to me and sure enough I admitted that I was going to kill myself and my mom was in a complete wreck and telling me how she would never recover from that if I was dead and she put me into a psychiatrist and therapy sessions to help me get better. My therapist wanted me to sign a contract that she made from a word document saying that if I feel suicidal again to call the hotline or visit the hospital and had to make me sign it which I was forced to. The contract wasn't anything that would be saved as a record since it was just a word document that she typed out in a computer.
So three years now, I'm 21 and right now I'm experience suicide again and keep on saying myself why did my mom took my plan away that was my only way to escape my suffering. But now since I'm on this forum finding a method that I cannot fail, was thinking about SN next and I know my mom will never be the same without me but I don't care about her that much plus I don't love her anymore and I want to go now. It's been a stressful life now that I'm in college and haven't been doing well on my tests like my classmates that are doing well despite me taking tutoring and homework help.
Thanks for reading!
