Sorry for the long post. This is my suicide story.
Hey, not sure who's going to read this but a few months ago in March, I finally worked up the nerve to take Sodium Nitrite after having it for over a year. After dealing with financial & stability issues,I'd finally found a job that I could do while working on my mental health. Because of my depression, I haven't had any desire to work, hang out with anyone, or make an effort to be active in the world. To be honest, I loved it because the only person that could disappoint me.. Is me. Anyways, while on the way to work, I was in a fairly new area and randomly got stopped by a cop who was very aggressive. He pulled me over for being in the left lane when everyone else was driving on it as well. He was angry that I wasn't moving out of the way for him. Long story short, I'm a coward so that was pretty much my last straw. I went home, stared at the Nitrite, and put on my favorite video (night city lights) to make it easier. I made my favorite meal and put the Nitrite in. I quickly ate it and I told myself not to cry because I'll finally have peace in death. I got in bed, went to sleep, and waited for bliss. 3 hours had passed when I randomly woke up. I was extremely cold & all of my fingertips were blue. I thought maybe it was an out of body experience as I was very light-headed. I tried to get up and collapsed on the floor. My vision went in and out & remembered hearing knocking on my door. My father came to check on me after hearing the fall & the last thing I remember is him hovering over me trying to wake me up. A hotness fell over me and I went unconscious. I have to mention that there was NO PAIN during this experience, just a rapid heartbeat & shakiness from what I remember. I remember the complete ecstasy I felt from the pitch black. I was aware but not aware. There was no pain or pleasure, simply being. It was amazing.. Until I woke up. There were paramedics around me who were trying to bring me back to consciousness. They asked me questions to keep me awake & I remember being VERY aware of everything. I was completed clear-headed when I came back answering each question correctly & feeling confident in knowing there was no light, no deceased family members to greet me. Just pure nothingness, but it was blissful & peaceful. I was rushed to the hospital constantly being asked why I would do this. I just remained quiet knowing I'd failed & had to come back to this hell called life. I arrived at the hospital and the last thing I remember is a big group of doctors huddled around me saying, "We need to get her back, get her breathing." they'd cut my clothes off to attach electrical cords. I was surrounded by all these doctors and all I could think about is the bliss I felt in the darkness. Of course, I was forced to be babysat in the psych ward for 3 days. No therapy, group therapy, or anything "positive." I was kidnapped basically and told I had no rights because I was a harm to myself. I felt completely helpless and just wanted to kill myself for all 3 days. After being discharged, I received a bill for $35,000 as I had no insurance. I say all this to say if you do attempt suicide, be sure no one is around to hear or help you. The risk of coming back will just make you feel even more depressed and have thousands of dollars in debt for being forced to stay. I think about that nothingness all the time and how it was the last piece of happiness in my life. If I could go back, I'd have done it in my car at least to be sure no one is around to bring me back to hell. Hopefully your story won't be anything like mine.
Hey, not sure who's going to read this but a few months ago in March, I finally worked up the nerve to take Sodium Nitrite after having it for over a year. After dealing with financial & stability issues,I'd finally found a job that I could do while working on my mental health. Because of my depression, I haven't had any desire to work, hang out with anyone, or make an effort to be active in the world. To be honest, I loved it because the only person that could disappoint me.. Is me. Anyways, while on the way to work, I was in a fairly new area and randomly got stopped by a cop who was very aggressive. He pulled me over for being in the left lane when everyone else was driving on it as well. He was angry that I wasn't moving out of the way for him. Long story short, I'm a coward so that was pretty much my last straw. I went home, stared at the Nitrite, and put on my favorite video (night city lights) to make it easier. I made my favorite meal and put the Nitrite in. I quickly ate it and I told myself not to cry because I'll finally have peace in death. I got in bed, went to sleep, and waited for bliss. 3 hours had passed when I randomly woke up. I was extremely cold & all of my fingertips were blue. I thought maybe it was an out of body experience as I was very light-headed. I tried to get up and collapsed on the floor. My vision went in and out & remembered hearing knocking on my door. My father came to check on me after hearing the fall & the last thing I remember is him hovering over me trying to wake me up. A hotness fell over me and I went unconscious. I have to mention that there was NO PAIN during this experience, just a rapid heartbeat & shakiness from what I remember. I remember the complete ecstasy I felt from the pitch black. I was aware but not aware. There was no pain or pleasure, simply being. It was amazing.. Until I woke up. There were paramedics around me who were trying to bring me back to consciousness. They asked me questions to keep me awake & I remember being VERY aware of everything. I was completed clear-headed when I came back answering each question correctly & feeling confident in knowing there was no light, no deceased family members to greet me. Just pure nothingness, but it was blissful & peaceful. I was rushed to the hospital constantly being asked why I would do this. I just remained quiet knowing I'd failed & had to come back to this hell called life. I arrived at the hospital and the last thing I remember is a big group of doctors huddled around me saying, "We need to get her back, get her breathing." they'd cut my clothes off to attach electrical cords. I was surrounded by all these doctors and all I could think about is the bliss I felt in the darkness. Of course, I was forced to be babysat in the psych ward for 3 days. No therapy, group therapy, or anything "positive." I was kidnapped basically and told I had no rights because I was a harm to myself. I felt completely helpless and just wanted to kill myself for all 3 days. After being discharged, I received a bill for $35,000 as I had no insurance. I say all this to say if you do attempt suicide, be sure no one is around to hear or help you. The risk of coming back will just make you feel even more depressed and have thousands of dollars in debt for being forced to stay. I think about that nothingness all the time and how it was the last piece of happiness in my life. If I could go back, I'd have done it in my car at least to be sure no one is around to bring me back to hell. Hopefully your story won't be anything like mine.
