Help Have i been too soft on myself ? could it be the reason i keep failing every attempt or stopping before attempting

[finallydone]

after spending a while in jail lately and reaching my lowest low, with my panic disorder resurfacing and having multiple panic attacks daily (thanks parents)
i go out and i suddenly back on my routine, shit habits and losing control and freaking out, even when the disorder goes dormant (i take 0 meds btw)
i honestly think this is what's holding me back, being too soft on myself and trying to convince myself that i somehow still have a chance, even when a literal chunk of me is screaming that the time is over
now i'm wondering if i flip to the opposite side what will happen, if let go of mercy and pity of myself will i be able to catch the bus, there is one thing left for me to do and it requires being merciless towards other people, and i think being merciless towards myself is a priority to achieve that
is there someone who had a similar transformation, if so any advice is appreciated, thanks in advance stranger

 

[marksofdespair]

I feel the same way. even after everything for us goes wrong and turns to shit.. we still hold out hope things can get better because... well i dont know why? if only some sense could be smacked into me that things wont change, nor get better, and i should just do it now.