My existence is a net loss for me and those around me, and it's all for no reason. I must do what is just, now.

[LoveTakesManyForms]

I can't say I didn't try to make something of all the difficulties life has thrown at me. But unfortunately with worsening nerve pain and resultant depression, the harder I try, the more pain and suffering I experience.
It's getting to the point now where I can't control my thoughts; every waking moment (and even in my sleep in the form of nightmares) is dominated with stabbing, burning pain.
I feel utterly consumed with panic and desperation every single moment I'm alive. I already had severe mental illness, and now I have physical to boot.
Relentless physical and mental anguish... I must have done something pretty awful in a past life to end up here, because I can't for the life of me think of what I might have done here to deserve this.
The pain overrides everything, everything that made life worthwhile, and counterbalanced the difficulties of living.
Food tastes like ashes. Hugs feel bitter. Music sounds like anguished screaming. Conversation holds no merit nor interest: it's like trying to discuss the weather while being slowly crushed in an Iron Maiden.

The worst part is that every bit of suffering I've endured was completely preventable; all the health problems I now face which have crushed my quality of life and spirit were well known in my family, but since nobody in my family talks to each other, nobody bothered to inform me. My older half brother has had every health problem I now have, all are treatable/preventable when known about. All are permanent when not identified and treated.

I should have given up a long time ago, but my misguided sense of wanting to add value to other's lives and mitigate suffering won over and kept me here longer.
I wanted to finish the program I'm working on to make money to support those around me, then buy a gun and end it all. A win-win.
Instead, my sisyphean endeavours to facilitate this just cause more pain, to the point where I can no longer drive or even sleep. I can't force my mind and body any further, I've literally worked myself into the ground.
So, today's the day, like it or not... I've got a chiropractor's appointment at 18:15 (it's 11:41 now); If my pain doesn't somehow miraculously reduce after this appointment (I'm not holding my breath), I'm going to take a shitload of quetiapine and amitriptyline, then hang myself in a nearby area. There is no point in waiting another day. It's futile.
I don't want to die by hanging, but I no longer have any choice; I don't have the funds nor the contacts to illegally obtain a firearm (I have a mental health record, and even if I didn't I can't wait another whole year for the application process).
My desperation to die by firearm has become so extreme that I actually considered storming a firearm owner's house with a knife and threatening to kill them if they don't give me the keys to the gun cabinet. I won't do that to anyone.
I'm becoming a dangerous person against my will. Considering I've had unstable people permanently maim and attempt to murder me in the past, I see this as my final challenge: rid the world of the burden of my existence by any means necessary... don't become a blight on this planet as I have been blighted.
The ultimate test. I will not fail this time.

I can feel love, peace and forgiveness welling up within me as I strive toward acting in harmony with my beliefs. I've done everything I can and this is now the conclusion, the climax of it all.
I'm going to send an email out containing apologies for my departure and detailing the location of my body, to help spare some poor passerby the horror of coming across it.
I'd call 911 but am afraid I will be saved, left in a vegetable state. And my cellphone doesn't have the capability to schedule messages for later sending (it's a piece of shit).

It has well and truly dawned on me that I should have completed suicide already. The only difference between ending it sooner and ending it now was watching my Mother die in agony of cancer, feeling like a burden to my brother whom I love dearly, and creating a child which I can't look after due to my egregiously poor health.
The guilt of the latter is absolutely overwhelming. My worst nightmare came true when I was lied to about the fertility of someone I did my best to help. I sincerely believe that the worst thing a person can do is procreate- bring another being into this world to suffer god knows what tragedy in this life. Now I am complicit in this, and it haunts my dreams.
I can't protect my poor child from this terrifying reality, I don't have the tools to do so. Just as I watched my Mother suffer since my childhood, having to do it alone whilst my Father lived a lavish lifestyle, so too have I recreated the same situation (albeit it slightly different), against my will.
I explained at length the importance that her supposed sterility had, that if it eventuated that what she said was untrue, she would end up doing it all alone due to my poor health, the poor health I obtained for no good reason, and no fault of my own. I did the right thing and was punished severely, yet again.

I am not sure why the universe has decided to force me into the noose; I have nill but good intentions. I see so much need in the world and desire to fill it.
But this pain... the horror... the sleeplessness and panic... they are beyond words. Incapacitating. Deeply frightening. I awaken in shock at the reality of my situation each and every morning, and sincerely wish I had died in my sleep.

It's surreal- being in this position. It truly doesn't feel real. Feels like I'm going to wake up from this nightmare any second. Like I just imagined this horror all in my mind.
I often think "how can this be? Surely if I try hard enough I'll overcome this, just like everything else, then laugh about the absurdity of it all."
Not this time. It's been slowly creeping up for years. I have incredible willpower, but will disappears in the face of endless torture. Torture I can do nothing about.

It's odd- I somehow knew things would end like this. I always had a feeling I would not live past age 30, my current age, even before I was suicidal. Then events perfectly aligned to ensure this ending. This is all the more compelling when I look back and realise I did all I could to stop it.
It's a painful idea that most of us don't want to confront: a human being's lack of control over life. No matter what moves we make, life has its own plans, and sometimes they are so horrifying that they defy belief.
I feel like I foresaw it all in a dream, I have an overwhelming sense of deja vu about the whole thing. This sense has been growing in intensity with time, and now rings clearly in my mind like a church bell. Even if I wanted to I couldn't stop what is coming. A common theme in my life- helplessness. Trying incredibly hard yet getting nowhere.
All the knowledge and skills I amassed through pain and strenuous effort... all wasted. Never getting to elicit the change I'd like to in the world. Feeling perennially disenfranchised and disillusioned. That's my fate, for one reason or another.
And after all the misery, I can't even die the way I'd like to- a quick shot to the head. A death that some other who want to live end up receiving.
This place couldn't be any more twisted. If there's a God, he's a sick fuck.

At least I won't have to endure any more horror. No more illness. No more disappointment and helplessness. No more ugliness of human beings- war, poverty, starvation, prostitution, rape, murder. No more unnecessary suffering.

The time has come. I'm sorry I couldn't stay to help anyone else. If I could turn back time I'd force the hands of Fate's clock backward, and make Father Time submit.
But he has won, he always does.
I love you all. Hey, maybe there'll be a miracle today... either way, I'll be at peace, finally.

 

[rainwillneverstop]

wow. Im absolutely speechless.
You sound like you have really tried, through what seems like a devastating amount of setbacks and pain I won't even try to describe.
If you want to talk or vent, let me know here but also my pm is open.

I don't blame you for your decision, all i can offer is that you're not alone.

Godspeed.

 

[DrWh033]

Whatt is the physical condition which leads to your pain, and which could have been preventable if someone from your family had talked sooner ?

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Your situation sounds so horrible. No, life surely isn't fair. I've found that out, too. I hope you can get your situation figured out, hopefully to your favor (life) this time. You sound like you have some great fortitude and I have no doubt you're going to do everything you can for yourself. No matter how it all comes out, I hope you reach the peace of mind to know that you've done everything you possibly can and get comfort from knowing that. Good luck and peace to you.

 

[LoveTakesManyForms]

Whatt is the physical condition which leads to your pain, and which could have been preventable if someone from your family had talked sooner ?

The condition is known as TMD- TemporoMandibularDisorder. It's actually fairly common, however I have quite a severe case of it. It took too long to be correctly diagnosed (I finally self-diagnosed it after multiple specialists and years of suffering).
This is doubly depressing considering my older brother struggled with it for years- a fact I was never made aware of- it is known to be a hereditary issue.
I guess that's the result of severe neglect, having had a Mother who was ill since I was 10, and a Father who never grew up one iota, preferring to fuck his life away, endlessly indulge in drugs, and live in opulence. There was never anybody there.
The kicker is that, after taking care of my Mother in my teen years, she was the one that "caused" it; after neglecting to go to the dentist for a few years (I was never taught to do this, and had little in the way of money. I just assumed teeth were stronger than this), an appointment revealed such severe decay that I needed a root canal, much to my shock (I don't smoke, eat reasonably healthily, and whilst I'm not perfect in terms of oral hygeine, I'm far from terrible at it).
Apparently bad teeth run in my family too, a fact I wasn't made aware of until it was too late.
I was going to have this done, but my Mother vehemently urged me to have it pulled instead, as "root canals are so bad for you- just get it pulled". I would have just had the root canal if not for her advice, but she was so sure it was the wrong choice.
I was too young to realise what a bad idea this was, instead choosing to trust someone who had been alive 2.5 times longer than me. Huge, huge mistake.
Immediately following the extraction I began to have severe pain in my shoulder, aged 21.
After consulting multiple specialists, I couldn't get to the bottom of it.

I never put the two together until feeling pain go from the shoulder and into my jaw during a deep tissue massage, some years later. After doing some research I concluded that the condition I was suffering from was TMD, a diagnosis confirmed by my chiropractor and a TMJ specialist.
Oh well, at least my Mother doesn't have to watch me die, now that cancer strangled the last life out of her at age 64. She probably got cancer from the grief of seeing what I was going through. It's been 3 months approximately since her death. I, and many others, miss her dearly.

My case is so severe that it pinches the nerves in my shoulder. I was recently told by a massage therapist that the muscles in my shoulder "run the wrong way"- so much tissue damage has been done that the physiology of my shoulder has changed.
My facial and neck muscles are constantly in agonising spasm, pulling on all the surrounding muscles and pinching nerves.
It's torture, pure torture. I've had chronic pain for 15 years following a blindside kick to my knee, but it utterly pales in comparison to this.
The knee pain is manageable, albeit not much fun... but this pain is relentless and severe. So bad I feel I'm breaking from reality, as if in a dream.
On many days, like today, I can scarcely function. It's so brutal and all-consuming...
When I went to the store to get food, I forgot the takeaway container. Then I went to the pharmacist, bought the wrong item by mistake, and walked out without buying another item I needed (I only went there to get 3 items). All because all I could focus on was the vicious pain I'm constantly in.
All this is WITH painkillers... without them... don't even ask.

All this just reminds me of the helplessness of watching my Mum moan in pain since I was 10. Massaging her little toe in a desperate bid to restore the blood flow she lost as a result of diabetes. Watching her inject herself with insulin and clutch her chest in agony from heart disease and multiple heart attacks.
Hearing her cry in despair after her abusive, alchoholic boyfriend emotionally abused her yet again.
Watching her rock herself to sleep. It was fucking heartbreaking.
Helplessness, for all eternity. After practically raising myself, I now must endure a life of no autonomy whatsoever. A real life nightmare.
I wish I'd had some idea of the well-established health problems inherent in my DNA. I wish somebody had given a shit. I wish my Father had given the slightest of shits, rather than spending $3000 a day on himself for an entire year.

Why are selfish, unrepentant piece of garbage like my Father given so many opportunities (he had two able-bodied parents, both of whom paid for him to travel the world in his 20's, then bought him his house aged 30), while I have to watch my health deteriorate in my youth?
There is no justice in this broken world. None whatsoever.
I cry each and every day. The only way out is the noose. "Depressing" doesn't come close to doing this justice.

Thanks for listening to my ridiculous rant anyway.

 

[FuneralCry]

I cannot even imagine how unbearable that must be. It really is such a cruel existence and no one should have to endure such agony. I hope that you find freedom from your suffering.

 

[LoveTakesManyForms]

Your situation sounds so horrible. No, life surely isn't fair. I've found that out, too. I hope you can get your situation figured out, hopefully to your favor (life) this time. You sound like you have some great fortitude and I have no doubt you're going to do everything you can for yourself. No matter how it all comes out, I hope you reach the peace of mind to know that you've done everything you possibly can and get comfort from knowing that. Good luck and peace to you.

Sometimes I wonder whether I'll be happy even if I somehow miraculously managed to achieve complete remission of my symptoms.
I've always been quite empathetic. I wanted to be a therapist when I was younger, but felt I might not have the strength to do so without taking on the problems of others.
Now, having lived in utter helplessness and misery for so long, I don't think I could possibly stomach seeing it in another. It's beyond comprehension. Mortifying.
When I see the horrendous things that happen in the world, it hurts on a deeply personal level. There's no desensitisation, no ability to separate myself from it.
This world is hell. Absolute hell. Everything that I'm afraid of has come to pass, one thing after another. And knowing it was all totally avoidable hurts an indescribable amount.

Watching my Father go around the world whenever he wanted while I had to take care of my own Mother as a teenager made me feel worthless. Like I wasn't worth a damn.
Now I can't work because of her advice, and the total lack of regard for my health and wellbeing. It isn't hard to inform your children about well-known familial health problems. So now that worthlessness will follow me for the rest of my life, no matter what I do or how hard I try.
It's hard to realise how much better off I'd be if both my parents had died in my youth; I'd have received an inheritance with which to care for myself, and there'd be nobody to lead me astray with stupid, health-ruining advice. I feel like such a fool for not knowing any better. I had very little life experience at that age.

They say that life is about learning lessons, but I feel like I've learned absolutely nothing. I feel like I've learned everyone else's lessons for them.
What am I supposed to learn about a nasty fucker booting my knee cap out of its socket from behind at age 15? I had no beef with him. I did absolutely nothing to deserve it.
All I've learned is that violent, greedy, narcissistic horrible people should do the right thing and end their own lives, so that those around them don't have to bear the weight of their decisions. That, and I'm not worthy of respect, no matter what I do. The longer I live, the more people see fit to walk all over me. I'm not a doormat, I've tried really hard to be helpful and positive.
I've learned that people will lie, maim, steal, say utterly nasty things and attempt to kill me just because they are having a bad day. That nobody can be trusted.
That if I crumble under the weight of the pain I didn't cause, I will end up alone; very few people will walk through the fire with me.
Now that I'm in terrible pain I can't keep myself safe from these people, which is extremely distressing.