ok so i have a third instagram account that no one follows where i just ramble and i'm gonna copy and paste the content of two of my posts. enjoy! or don't haha. it kind of details the process of how i became suicidal which is interesting for me to be able to look back on (sorry it is so hard to read i didn't intend for there to be an audience)
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emotions are running high as fuck in this period of self reflection that everyone goes through at the end of the year but let me just say
i am beyond proud of myself for everything i've gotten through but let me just recap
the end of second semester, pledging was hell for me, on top of 18 units, work, volunteering, it was all taking a toll on me and i couldn't handle it
i felt like nobody understood
i started to cut for the first time, for the first time i got insanely depressed, and for the first time, i started to think about suicide as an escape.
university crisis counseling wasn't a help
and i shit you not, just a few days after i started to cut and seriously consider killing myself
my RA committed suicide. it was next door to me. i had to talk to the police. it was all so close. I couldn't leave my dorm until I could, and even then, i couldn't bring myself to sleep there for a fucking week
watching the fallout was what took the most toll on me, interacting with her parents
as fucked up as it sounds, i kept placing myself in her shoes.
maybe i should've done it. maybe that would've stopped her from doing it. maybe i could've escaped from a life in which i felt like i was drowning. but it was too late.
and so the question then became: what if it were my parents who'd have to tragically clean my dorm like the way i saw hers? or as they say in the memes, "mom would be sad".
and so i decided against it. i dont know if im even comfortable with this decision.
but life kind of resumed after that. life goes on — even if you don't want it to.
and i didn't realize it at the time, but everything was incredibly, and lastingly traumatic (which is now obvious)
and the org was still a nightmare
and they knew what was happening to me, maybe not the extent to which it took a toll on me, but i was still expected to fulfill my insane pledge duties
and things started to pile on even more.
it's good i'm not affiliated with it anymore, it was toxic for me. probably met future bridesmaids in my pledge class
i made lasting connections, yet i was still insanely depressed. the semester had ended and i'd gained weight
######
summer was a rebuilding period
working out, being kind to myself and my body, taking classes
first semester sophomore year, i could finally be intentional with where i spent my time again, got closer to those i neglected because of pledging the last semester#
i finally had control
the suicidal thoughts remained
but they were far less frequent
end 1/2
2/2
and i kept myself busy
and i stopped cutting
and i stopped allowing myself to be consumed by thoughts of self-hatred.
and i joined orgs that gave me joy instead of trying to fit in with people who couldn't give two shits about my background or mental health or just,,,me
and i still have SOOO much work to do
so now i'm trying to think of the takeaways and the lessons i've learned
because it was an ugly, ugly year for me
that manifested itself in
ugly people
ugly events
an ugly news cycle
maybe there aren't any.
###
and i wish now i could start to tell my little redemption arc
that looking back, i was crazy to be so suicidal, i mean life gets better doesn't it
and though second semester was incredibly healing for me
suicidal thoughts still rear their ugly little heads in the back of my mind
standing on the roof of [redacted lol] #
considering finishing sleeping pills and vodka#
and every time a fucking train passes#
i've even developed bad anxiety, and i used to be so damn carefree not even months before this
it's not only unfair, but suffocating
i shouldn't have to sit in front of my psychiatrist petrified of uttering a word of everything i'm apparently not afraid to type on instagram for fear of getting committed
but i shouldn't have had to go thru 2018
.
.
.
.
.
emotions are running high as fuck in this period of self reflection that everyone goes through at the end of the year but let me just say
i am beyond proud of myself for everything i've gotten through but let me just recap
the end of second semester, pledging was hell for me, on top of 18 units, work, volunteering, it was all taking a toll on me and i couldn't handle it
i felt like nobody understood
i started to cut for the first time, for the first time i got insanely depressed, and for the first time, i started to think about suicide as an escape.
university crisis counseling wasn't a help
and i shit you not, just a few days after i started to cut and seriously consider killing myself
my RA committed suicide. it was next door to me. i had to talk to the police. it was all so close. I couldn't leave my dorm until I could, and even then, i couldn't bring myself to sleep there for a fucking week
watching the fallout was what took the most toll on me, interacting with her parents
as fucked up as it sounds, i kept placing myself in her shoes.
maybe i should've done it. maybe that would've stopped her from doing it. maybe i could've escaped from a life in which i felt like i was drowning. but it was too late.
and so the question then became: what if it were my parents who'd have to tragically clean my dorm like the way i saw hers? or as they say in the memes, "mom would be sad".
and so i decided against it. i dont know if im even comfortable with this decision.
but life kind of resumed after that. life goes on — even if you don't want it to.
and i didn't realize it at the time, but everything was incredibly, and lastingly traumatic (which is now obvious)
and the org was still a nightmare
and they knew what was happening to me, maybe not the extent to which it took a toll on me, but i was still expected to fulfill my insane pledge duties
and things started to pile on even more.
it's good i'm not affiliated with it anymore, it was toxic for me. probably met future bridesmaids in my pledge class
i made lasting connections, yet i was still insanely depressed. the semester had ended and i'd gained weight
######
summer was a rebuilding period
working out, being kind to myself and my body, taking classes
first semester sophomore year, i could finally be intentional with where i spent my time again, got closer to those i neglected because of pledging the last semester#
i finally had control
the suicidal thoughts remained
but they were far less frequent
end 1/2
2/2
and i kept myself busy
and i stopped cutting
and i stopped allowing myself to be consumed by thoughts of self-hatred.
and i joined orgs that gave me joy instead of trying to fit in with people who couldn't give two shits about my background or mental health or just,,,me
and i still have SOOO much work to do
so now i'm trying to think of the takeaways and the lessons i've learned
because it was an ugly, ugly year for me
that manifested itself in
ugly people
ugly events
an ugly news cycle
maybe there aren't any.
###
and i wish now i could start to tell my little redemption arc
that looking back, i was crazy to be so suicidal, i mean life gets better doesn't it
and though second semester was incredibly healing for me
suicidal thoughts still rear their ugly little heads in the back of my mind
standing on the roof of [redacted lol] #
considering finishing sleeping pills and vodka#
and every time a fucking train passes#
i've even developed bad anxiety, and i used to be so damn carefree not even months before this
it's not only unfair, but suffocating
i shouldn't have to sit in front of my psychiatrist petrified of uttering a word of everything i'm apparently not afraid to type on instagram for fear of getting committed
but i shouldn't have had to go thru 2018
