My dumb useless life / any advice?

[becfr0g]

18F UK

I did my GCSEs 4 years ago, and since then I've not progressed in any aspect of my life.

In year 10, i failed to CTB and was hospitalised, where the CAMHS crisis team diagnosed me with depression and anxiety and set me up with a weekly talking therapist (didnt help whatsoever).

I identified school as a big stressor for me and i did my year 11 at home ( i did no work, i winged GCSEs and got off pretty well ). I started college with a friend, quit, started a-levels with my twin sister, quit, and ever since ive just been at home doing absolutely nothing all day besides house chores, caring for my dogs and odd helping jobs for my family. My twin has just moved into her university room this summer, so now its just me, my well-meaning but unable-to-help mother and my 2 dogs and a foster dog.

Ive had depression and anxiety as long as i can remember, and when trying to identify the cause of this, i discovered that i am autistic (not diagnosed, but extremely sure) and my mental illness comes from a complete lack of comfort and happiness in my life due to autism. The way ive come to understand my life (past and future) is that i can not realistically live comfortably and happily no matter how hard i work. Even with all the money in the world.

Due to this, i have suicidal thoughts daily and i have been living day-to-day convinced that i would at some point CTB. I havent actively tried any self harm because my skin is too sensory sensitive when tried.

My problem NOW is that i have recently decided that i will actually NOT CTB because it would be too hard on my mother, and my twin would likely suffer and itll ruin her uni experience, and my older sister is about to have a baby, so i dont want to cause any problems for anyone. But i cant keep living like this. I want to improve my life, which ive figured will be achieved through independence and stability.

This is a bit insane for me though, as im way too extremely anxious to work and as for education - i have absolutely no interests in any career ever. Ive spent years thinking about it and going through alphabetical lists of every single career but i dislike the idea of every single one of them. But in order to have my own isolated house somewhere where i can be alone and as comfortable as i can be with maybe a dog - i will need a good income. Ive figured that in order to get a job where i do the least amount of manual labour and social interaction possible, ill probably need to go to college or university for qualifications, but i have absolutely zero clue what job to aim for. There has been no job so far that ive looked at and thought i might cope doing that. I just need someone to peel open my brain, figure out what courses i need to take, tell me to take them, tell me what job to get etc.

I wish i were someones marionette, and they controlled every aspect of my life but in a way that i can be comfortable and stable. I want to be able to trust someone to manage me sensibly. Obviously i know nobody would want to take on an adult babying project, but its just a deep crippling desire.

Although i do find it quite humorous to ask this at the end of all of this mess of a life story: any suggestions?
Also if someone is somehow interested in controlling my entire existance as a human being and taking all of my responsibilities away then hmu LOL

 

[Eternal Eyes]

I really wish I could help here but I can't. You sound exactly like me not just when I was 18, but also now to some degree. No career has ever at all appealed to me, even though I achieved above average in class (well at least until I was 15 and my life went off the rails). I'm currently in a voluntary role which is a mixed bag, but it's honestly more harm than good to me mentally. I can't see myself ever working now, because while I have autism I also probably BPD or bipolar, and social interactions just make me go insane at this point.

I wish i were someones marionette, and they controlled every aspect of my life but in a way that i can be comfortable and stable. I want to be able to trust someone to manage me sensibly. Obviously i know nobody would want to take on an adult babying project, but its just a deep crippling desire.

This is so me it's insane and it ruined both my last relationships. It's impossible living that way though. But I really get the desire of having everything already ordered and micromanaged. That's certainly an autistic trait, I personally hate change and ambiguity.

 

[becfr0g]

I really wish I could help here but I can't. You sound exactly like me not just when I was 18, but also now to some degree. No career has ever at all appealed to me, even though I achieved above average in class (well at least until I was 15 and my life went off the rails). I'm currently in a voluntary role which is a mixed bag, but it's honestly more harm than good to me mentally. I can't see myself ever working now, because while I have autism I also probably BPD or bipolar, and social interactions just make me go insane at this point.



This is so me it's insane and it ruined both my last relationships. It's impossible living that way though. But I really get the desire of having everything already ordered and micromanaged. That's certainly an autistic trait, I personally hate change and ambiguity.

Thank you for this. I had no clue how much i needed to hear this - that someone feels the same way as me. I know thats a stupid and common thing but I've never spoken or written about my feelings before, and ive never seen anyone talk in a way that i can really relate to. It feels super nice to hear that someone else has the same problems as me. I honestly didnt even expect any interactions with this post at all, so thank you again (not to sound desperately miserable lol).

 

[orpheus_]

I can relate to you in some aspects, although I'm 2 years older, live in a different country and I'm not autistic. But I also have no interest in any career and honestly see no future for myself. Choosing what to do with my life is too much for me, I feel like existing in society is just too much.

Maybe instead of looking on careers, thinking about it in long term - look at college courses, subjects you're interested in just for the sake of learning them. Not seeing it through the lens of potential income, just what things spark your interest just a bit. Or just things that you don't hate completely. If you are able to go to college/any kind of further education, and you want to do it, I think it can help you. The worst thing when someone's miserable is staying in the same place, and a new environment might do something good for you, I hope.

As I said I'm not autistic, so I don't want to act as I know what it's like. But I've had some autistic friends, and something that they said helped them deal with life - was socializing with other autistic/neurodivergent people. Finding someone with similar problems, who understood their issues more, helped them find comfort and wasn't as draining as socializing usually was. So maybe try looking for friends who are also on the spectrum? I know it's easier said than done because making friends and maintaining relationships is very hard when you're in a dark place. But that's just a suggestion.

 

[FadingSentinel]

Are there any interests that you have that you could turn into a job somehow or find a job related to it? I definitly get the struggle though, I have barley been able to manage my bachelor but now I'm starting to doubt if I even want a career in that sector anymore.

I wish i were someones marionette, and they controlled every aspect of my life but in a way that i can be comfortable and stable. I want to be able to trust someone to manage me sensibly. Obviously i know nobody would want to take on an adult babying project, but its just a deep crippling desire.

This is definitly something that can align with autism, it's very much a need for rules and structure that brings comfort. I personally don't have any experience with them but it might be worth looking into autism coaches. I have been hearing of them lately from friends and I have heard they can help with managing struggles.