My depression

[srixbiriyani]

I'm 18 and I've been in a constant state of depression for the past 6 years of my life. There have been moments where I temporarily feel "happy" but I never really know how it feels to live happily. Middle school wasnt so good (I was the problem) and High School was the part of my life when I was least depressed. Ive generally faced a lot of comparison with other people and that's when I began to realize my worthlessness. I realized I was never 'good' at anything. I tried sports and trained for almost 4 years but I was utter garbage at it and even people younger than me just crushed me. I'm quite ugly and I never was much attractive as a person. I started failing a lot no matter how I tried. That is when I finally understood that this is me, a pathetic excuse of life and worth nothing (even a speck of dust has more value than me). Ive wanted to ctb for so fucking long but I'm so fucking scared of it because I fear about whats after death (I am religious but who knows, what if death is just eternal darkness). I feel so much pain. It hurts so much and I can't take it. I look at pictures of me as a kid/baby and cry as once upon time I had hope. I'm just a loser, a failure who doesn't make any progress no matter what. I just started college and I couldn't make it to a university because I studied in India which I will regret for the rest of my pathetic life and now I'm in community college because I was worth nothing. Everyone is better than me and I know no matter what effort I put in, I will always be beneath others. Fuck my life. To hell with my pathetic existence.

 

[timf]

I knew a gal who was considering going to her 20 year high school reunion. She was hesitant because her 10 year reunion was not that enjoyable. After she came back she mentioned that she had a good time. The difference was that the 28 year olds were still thinking they were important, that their careers would be successful and the future was filled with promise. These people were arrogant and pompous.

However, the 38 year olds had been beaten down by life. Everyone had accepted that they were not going to be as "successful" as they thought and were OK with it. In a way letting go of the expectations they had freed them to be real people.

You have the opportunity to get a 20 year jump on people because you do not see yourself as a "high flyer" destined for worldly success. Getting a handle on the depression can be a bit tricky. You might want to experiment with truth. For example for myself, I like to sing, but I am very bad. There is no arguing with a tape recorder. However, I am not the worst singer on the planet. Out of 20 people I might be the worst. However, out of 100 people, I might be the best out of the worst five. This sort of assessment can introduce an accuracy that can take the edge off of having to feel you are the absolute worst.

Another area to explore is what might be done with nutrition. This can have an impact on depression. Much of our food comes from fields in California that lost their micro nutrients decades ago. Vitamin and minerals supplements might have a positive impact. You might also see what others who suffer from depression have found to work for them.

If you see a doctor for depression, they will probably prescribe an SSRI. This may or may not be helpful. Depression can cripple you by stealing the will to try to manage to make things better. You should allow yourself to see what control you can exercise.