justfloating
Student
- Feb 13, 2020
- 172
Skip to the end para if you don't want backstory.
In October my boyfriend told me he wasn't sure if he loved me. I begged him to stay with me and give us a chance because I knew I wouldn't be able to cope if he ended it, and he did stay with me. Two weeks later he told me he did love me on a holiday I took him on, however on the last day he told me that wasn't true. A few days later he told me he loved me and that there was no part of him that wanted to break up with me. I believed him, he promised me he wouldn't lie to me and we even made plans for Christmas. After weeks of lying to me and playing with my emotions, my boyfriend broke up with me in November.
After he did this my best friend (who was also close with him) tried to control our break up. I did not do what she said and we grew distant. This is where I began to feel suicidal. I told my ex this and I went to my college councillor. My school kicked me out and my best friend stopped speaking to me. Me and my ex were on good terms so he met up with me and it helped massively with what I had been feeling, he's the only person in the world that can change what I do and feel. He told me if I'm feeling suicidal that I can call him, whenever I would he wouldn't pick up, but one night he eventually picked up. I was explaining how suicidal I felt and that I had pills with me, he told me he was tired and just wanted to go to sleep. Not helpful. He promised me he would call me tomorrow evening however he never spoke to me again, my best friend then reached out to resume contact and this softened the blow. This is the beginning of December.
A few days later I was feeling really bad again, I was home alone due to being kicked out of college, so I messaged my best friend to say this, and she just said 'g2g'. This is where I took my first overdose and was in hospital for days. My best friend stopped talking to me again. Despite how much I wanted to CTB I knew I wanted to talk with my ex and my best friend before I could do it, it is the only reason I was able to push though over the Christmas period.
In January my ex messaged me asking to meet, I obviously agreed. We spent the day together and discussed how his actions have impacted me and we became good friends again, we did this again a few days later to talk about a few more things. Everything was finally looking up and I was allowed back to college in the new year. I then agreed to talk with my best friend, however she told me she wanted nothing to do with me, we had been friends for 6 years so to lose her over something I can't control hurt like hell. She never spoke to me again and ignores me when she sees me. This is also where mine and my ex's friendship got rocky.
I began feeling suicidal again. My life before the breakup was amazing, I was constantly happy, I felt like I had people around me that cared, and I had a future that I wanted. Everything that I once had, had now been taken away from me and I didn't know how to go on. I would talk with my ex about how I was feeling, he was the only one that I wanted to talk to about it because no-one else cared, he has said I can talk to him about these things so I thought he would handle the stress (spoiler alert - he couldn't). About a week after the bad news from my friend I was still in a bad place, me ex had told me to just be happy and move on, and wouldn't listen when I explained its not that easy. On this day he left me to go and get something from my ex best friend, he had brought up suicidal feelings and so I went and bought pills in the time he was gone. When he came back he was calling me asking where I was, I was taking the pills while on the phone to him and let him know where was once I had taken them all. We sat in a coffee shop while waiting for my mum to come and pick me up, I had told her I OD'd but my ex had no clue. I asked him if he would cut me off if I were to OD again and he said there was nothing I could do to push him away, that there was no chance he would leave me again like he had done before. Like a fool I believed him. When I was in hospital I was careful to only text him, as if I snap chatted him he would see where I was.
We didn't tell my college that I had been in hospital and so I returned as normal. Something I stand by in life, is that I don't lie. When my ex asked if I had OD'd again I told him I had. He was pissed off at me which is completely unfair, so I mistakenly told him the details, like that I was in his company when I took the pills. I shouldn't have done that but I think I wanted to hurt him like he did me. He acted normal and he sat to do his maths homework, I couldn't cope with his reaction so walked away. He called me asking where I was and eventually found me, he called the college to tell them everything that had happened. This was what caused me to go in to a 'crazy' state of mind, it was pouring with rain but I walked into town. he followed me as he was scared I would hurt myself, he was calling his parents, my parents, the college, but all I wanted to do was walk. By him telling college I knew my whole world was about to come crashing down. As we walked around together I was laughing at random things, being very impulsive and just doing random shit. I began to walk over this bridge, he was joking about the situation asking if I was more likely to jump in front of a car or into the river. I went into a housing estate where I took off my coat, jacket and bag, giving them to him to carry to 'make himself useful', bare in mind this was a rainy day in January. I began running away from him screaming 'fuck off' 'leave me alone' etc. He is a much faster runner than me so I didn't get far. He pinned me up against a fence and waited for my mum to arrive, I was screaming my head off saying that I just wanted to go on a walk. When my mum arrived he picked me up and put me in the car.
We began to drive off but when my mum stopped to check the map I bolted out of the car. My ex followed me. The police were called and I knew they were coming but I went into a store and began trying on shoes. The police eventually handed me over to my mum and the three of us sat in a coffee shop waiting for my ex's mum to arrive. I walked out of the coffee shop and they came after me, my ex picking me up and shoving me in the car again. They put me in the back with the child locks on, I tried kicking the windows out however my ex would pin my legs down again. As he was doing it I could see him crying because I guess I'm a completely different person now, he did break me. They took me to a&e as they didn't know what else to do. After another attempted escape he carried me in. The last words he said to me were 'shut the fuck up' and he left without saying goodbye. I was quickly released.
My ex said he needed space which I understood, he said he would contact me in a few days to check how I am. Those days have turned into weeks and he still won't talk to me, though he has recently said he doesn't want to cut me off forever.
Thought all of this I have seen many doctors and psychiatrists, all of them have dismissed me because as soon as I begin to explain where this started they classify me as someone who doesn't understand heartbreak and just needs to get over it. I am in private counselling however it doesn't change anything. A mental health worker said I should go on meds, but the doctor said she doesn't like putting people on meds so wouldn't do it, BEFORE asking any questions. The system is flawed and I can't see things getting better any time soon.
As I said, I don't like to lie, however I am currently pretending to be okay. I cant be honest with anyone because when I have in the past it only worsens my situation. Right now the only thing I want it to talk with my ex and for him to let this happen he needs to believe that I am in a good frame of mind. I want to CTB but I need to have closure with him first, I need to hug him one last time and give him that last memory of me where he sees me for the person he loved, and the person that loved to love. I don't see myself being happy again, at least not like I was, and I can't continue feeling this pain any longer. He has before told me that suicide is selfish, I think its the most selfless thing a person can do, when all I am is a burden to him, my best friends, and many others I haven't mentioned, they will find peace with my decision. I know he'll be sad at first but he'll get over it pretty quick, along with everyone else. I am yet to choose a method but I think I will nearer the time.
I want to die in his arms but unless I overdose that isn't possible, and the risk factor if living is too high if I want enough wriggle room to see him before I CTB. If I have another failed attempt he will never speak to me again and so much else will go wrong. I don't know when I'm going to see him which is annoying because I will feel at peace knowing when my time will come. Who knows, maybe our conversation will go so well I won't CTB, but I won't place my bets.
In October my boyfriend told me he wasn't sure if he loved me. I begged him to stay with me and give us a chance because I knew I wouldn't be able to cope if he ended it, and he did stay with me. Two weeks later he told me he did love me on a holiday I took him on, however on the last day he told me that wasn't true. A few days later he told me he loved me and that there was no part of him that wanted to break up with me. I believed him, he promised me he wouldn't lie to me and we even made plans for Christmas. After weeks of lying to me and playing with my emotions, my boyfriend broke up with me in November.
After he did this my best friend (who was also close with him) tried to control our break up. I did not do what she said and we grew distant. This is where I began to feel suicidal. I told my ex this and I went to my college councillor. My school kicked me out and my best friend stopped speaking to me. Me and my ex were on good terms so he met up with me and it helped massively with what I had been feeling, he's the only person in the world that can change what I do and feel. He told me if I'm feeling suicidal that I can call him, whenever I would he wouldn't pick up, but one night he eventually picked up. I was explaining how suicidal I felt and that I had pills with me, he told me he was tired and just wanted to go to sleep. Not helpful. He promised me he would call me tomorrow evening however he never spoke to me again, my best friend then reached out to resume contact and this softened the blow. This is the beginning of December.
A few days later I was feeling really bad again, I was home alone due to being kicked out of college, so I messaged my best friend to say this, and she just said 'g2g'. This is where I took my first overdose and was in hospital for days. My best friend stopped talking to me again. Despite how much I wanted to CTB I knew I wanted to talk with my ex and my best friend before I could do it, it is the only reason I was able to push though over the Christmas period.
In January my ex messaged me asking to meet, I obviously agreed. We spent the day together and discussed how his actions have impacted me and we became good friends again, we did this again a few days later to talk about a few more things. Everything was finally looking up and I was allowed back to college in the new year. I then agreed to talk with my best friend, however she told me she wanted nothing to do with me, we had been friends for 6 years so to lose her over something I can't control hurt like hell. She never spoke to me again and ignores me when she sees me. This is also where mine and my ex's friendship got rocky.
I began feeling suicidal again. My life before the breakup was amazing, I was constantly happy, I felt like I had people around me that cared, and I had a future that I wanted. Everything that I once had, had now been taken away from me and I didn't know how to go on. I would talk with my ex about how I was feeling, he was the only one that I wanted to talk to about it because no-one else cared, he has said I can talk to him about these things so I thought he would handle the stress (spoiler alert - he couldn't). About a week after the bad news from my friend I was still in a bad place, me ex had told me to just be happy and move on, and wouldn't listen when I explained its not that easy. On this day he left me to go and get something from my ex best friend, he had brought up suicidal feelings and so I went and bought pills in the time he was gone. When he came back he was calling me asking where I was, I was taking the pills while on the phone to him and let him know where was once I had taken them all. We sat in a coffee shop while waiting for my mum to come and pick me up, I had told her I OD'd but my ex had no clue. I asked him if he would cut me off if I were to OD again and he said there was nothing I could do to push him away, that there was no chance he would leave me again like he had done before. Like a fool I believed him. When I was in hospital I was careful to only text him, as if I snap chatted him he would see where I was.
We didn't tell my college that I had been in hospital and so I returned as normal. Something I stand by in life, is that I don't lie. When my ex asked if I had OD'd again I told him I had. He was pissed off at me which is completely unfair, so I mistakenly told him the details, like that I was in his company when I took the pills. I shouldn't have done that but I think I wanted to hurt him like he did me. He acted normal and he sat to do his maths homework, I couldn't cope with his reaction so walked away. He called me asking where I was and eventually found me, he called the college to tell them everything that had happened. This was what caused me to go in to a 'crazy' state of mind, it was pouring with rain but I walked into town. he followed me as he was scared I would hurt myself, he was calling his parents, my parents, the college, but all I wanted to do was walk. By him telling college I knew my whole world was about to come crashing down. As we walked around together I was laughing at random things, being very impulsive and just doing random shit. I began to walk over this bridge, he was joking about the situation asking if I was more likely to jump in front of a car or into the river. I went into a housing estate where I took off my coat, jacket and bag, giving them to him to carry to 'make himself useful', bare in mind this was a rainy day in January. I began running away from him screaming 'fuck off' 'leave me alone' etc. He is a much faster runner than me so I didn't get far. He pinned me up against a fence and waited for my mum to arrive, I was screaming my head off saying that I just wanted to go on a walk. When my mum arrived he picked me up and put me in the car.
We began to drive off but when my mum stopped to check the map I bolted out of the car. My ex followed me. The police were called and I knew they were coming but I went into a store and began trying on shoes. The police eventually handed me over to my mum and the three of us sat in a coffee shop waiting for my ex's mum to arrive. I walked out of the coffee shop and they came after me, my ex picking me up and shoving me in the car again. They put me in the back with the child locks on, I tried kicking the windows out however my ex would pin my legs down again. As he was doing it I could see him crying because I guess I'm a completely different person now, he did break me. They took me to a&e as they didn't know what else to do. After another attempted escape he carried me in. The last words he said to me were 'shut the fuck up' and he left without saying goodbye. I was quickly released.
My ex said he needed space which I understood, he said he would contact me in a few days to check how I am. Those days have turned into weeks and he still won't talk to me, though he has recently said he doesn't want to cut me off forever.
Thought all of this I have seen many doctors and psychiatrists, all of them have dismissed me because as soon as I begin to explain where this started they classify me as someone who doesn't understand heartbreak and just needs to get over it. I am in private counselling however it doesn't change anything. A mental health worker said I should go on meds, but the doctor said she doesn't like putting people on meds so wouldn't do it, BEFORE asking any questions. The system is flawed and I can't see things getting better any time soon.
As I said, I don't like to lie, however I am currently pretending to be okay. I cant be honest with anyone because when I have in the past it only worsens my situation. Right now the only thing I want it to talk with my ex and for him to let this happen he needs to believe that I am in a good frame of mind. I want to CTB but I need to have closure with him first, I need to hug him one last time and give him that last memory of me where he sees me for the person he loved, and the person that loved to love. I don't see myself being happy again, at least not like I was, and I can't continue feeling this pain any longer. He has before told me that suicide is selfish, I think its the most selfless thing a person can do, when all I am is a burden to him, my best friends, and many others I haven't mentioned, they will find peace with my decision. I know he'll be sad at first but he'll get over it pretty quick, along with everyone else. I am yet to choose a method but I think I will nearer the time.
I want to die in his arms but unless I overdose that isn't possible, and the risk factor if living is too high if I want enough wriggle room to see him before I CTB. If I have another failed attempt he will never speak to me again and so much else will go wrong. I don't know when I'm going to see him which is annoying because I will feel at peace knowing when my time will come. Who knows, maybe our conversation will go so well I won't CTB, but I won't place my bets.
