Nekohime
Eh, I’ve been better …
- Oct 4, 2022
- 13
Hello
I had to wait until the next morning to write about this as the sedation didn't wear off until early this morning. Also, it's worth mentioning throughout this whole story that I had not slept in 2 days because of stress and the after effects of 3 (pathetic) failed attempts.
Yesterday, I got so overwhelmed because my landlord broke the law, without even trying to hide it, and I genuinely thought I was having a heart attack. My chest felt like it was caving in, it was exactly like they say - like an elephant on your chest. And my whole body was shaking and I couldn't speak and my breathing was so shallow that I was breathing in and out in 'half-breaths'.
Texted my mum because I was so distraught and in pain - some of you may be wondering why would you want help if you're suicidal, trust me - it was so painful that my survival instinct was literally all that existed inside me at that point. I had to call an ambulance and be taken to hospital.
Turns out I was having a severe panic attack, my heart was sitting at 180 bpm for most of the ride to the hospital and my whole body was literally like someone put electrical wires on my body, I was so exhausted from shaking and moving but my body was literally just shaking and vibrating, my whole entire body - including my head - felt like I was holding it against a washing machine and I couldn't even see.
As well, I was in my pyjamas, fuzzy socks and slippers and the emergency healthcare system in Western Australia right now is a joke so the ambulance had to park far away from the hospital and my stretcher had to go past all these random people, who weren't even trying to be suss with trying to see what was happening.
Don't get me wrong - I would be curious too, but I would at least be suss about it to not embarrass the person.
Anyway, because of the under-funding in the emergency department from the government all the stretchers were in this long corridor, in a waiting line. Some people had to be tended to immediately in-line, some were on their phones playing games; I guess I was in the middle of that spectrum.
They gave me lorazepam and said they would do tests on my heart just in case. My severe anxiety has given me heart related issues for years like daily heart palpitations (even over something silly like a sudden car driving by, because it reminds me of the sound of my mums car pulling into the driveway which scared me when I was younger and we were on really really bad terms) and frequent chest numbness, but yesterday was the first time in years I had a panic attack so severe.
Anyway, basically because they eventually were able to get the breathing and bpm under control with lorazepam I had to, understandably, give up my stretcher for the next emergency they had to face. What sucks was that I had to go to the normal emergency waiting room to wait to be seen; in my pyjamas, fuzzy socks and slippers.
They gave me more lorazepam in the waiting room and they gave me this random cookie, I guess for my blood sugar, but I kept offering it to strangers - by then I was swaying, sleepy and disoriented.
Waited for 2 hours, they took me to the psychiatric ward since it was a panic attack and OMG why do they make the psychiatric ward so depressing?? Seriously! It's like they want us to be mentally ill.
They put me in this small room with glass walls, like a fish in a tank, the floor was white with black specs and the walls were grey. The only furniture in this room was those block looking couches (like sitting on a block of wood) in drabby red, blue and green.
Already I felt the poison of the psychiatric ward affecting me, like I was being punished for having a panic attack, and I started to get mad because the first mental health doctor was a twat; no smile and whenever he would put something down he would sort of slam it down, like he didn't want to be there. I also felt tired, so tired, and I swear lorazepam secretly has 'truth-essence' in it because up until that point I hadn't told any medical staff about my three recent suicide attempts that I did in a week, the last one just days before.
But I gave in; this doctor (not the mental health doctor) was clearly bored asking me routine questions, so in my mind (that was in the clouds) I decided to spice it up and tell him about the attempts, he froze and then asked if I had any suicidal intent now - I of course say no (lying) - then he told me to wait a moment and left the room. They did a heart test, I don't know what it's called, but it's the one where they put the stickers all over you.
I hated it because you aren't allowed to move AT ALL which is impossible because I was still jittery, the doctor that did the test couldn't get a stable result but she admitted that she gave up and that 'this will do'. My heart test was, unfortunately, fine. I was kinda hoping by that point my pathetic attempts had somehow built up and were killing me now.
When I mentioned the attempts to the doctor, I mentioned yew seeds (my first failed attempt), get this - he couldn't find any information on yew seeds and couldn't figure out what it was? Maybe he was researching 'you seeds' or something, but surely they would come up somewhere.
Anyway, he said since he didn't know what they were he would just test my blood with everything, I think the results are fine because in the end I could go home, but he also gave me this discharge form (that I can't even read because of the scripture) that I need to give to my GP. Also, apparently I'm getting a script for lorazepam from my GP, so I will start taking that, I guess.
So yeh, I sat in this depressing room for about 5 hours and what was nice is the doctor let me go home in the end, since I said I had no intent, but I was so sedated because I don't know if it was because of the not sleeping for 2 days, or all the lorazepam (I've never taken it before, only ever took quetiapine - does it usually have this effect on you guys where you are like drunk?) but I couldn't stand straight by the end of the day, after spending 9 hours in hospital in total. In the end I walked out the doors into the night in my pyjamas, fuzzy socks, slippers and hair that resembled a long bird nest.
An employee, bless his heart, made sure I got to my Uber ok because I was still drowsy and unaware of my surroundings and sense of direction.
Tried to shower when I got home but forgot how to, I didn't know how to do anything really but at least I tried because I smelt so much like hospital.
Tried to order food because I was so so hungry, but unfortunately I collapsed asleep like a Sim before my food could arrive and I woke up at 3am realising this, and put the sad, cold food into the bin. Messaged Menulog, crossing my fingers so tight they understand the vulnerable situation I was in and give me credit or something.
It's the next morning now, I still smell like hospital and today I need to continue to recover, at least I finally got some sleep haha. Also, some people might judge me for withholding information from doctors initially, but a trip to the hospital when you're severely mentally ill is never pretty, or easy, or smooth-going.
Sometimes you challenge a staff member that gives you attitude, or suddenly get overwhelmed that EVERYTHING is in shades of black and white and just suddenly lose it etc. It's never pretty, and today I'm going to take extra care of myself.
Just feeling extremely exhausted, mentally and physically, and would really appreciate some hugs :)
Thank you for reading, as always I hope you are all doing ok today/tonight or at least have something to make you smile in front of you (like coffee).
I had to wait until the next morning to write about this as the sedation didn't wear off until early this morning. Also, it's worth mentioning throughout this whole story that I had not slept in 2 days because of stress and the after effects of 3 (pathetic) failed attempts.
Yesterday, I got so overwhelmed because my landlord broke the law, without even trying to hide it, and I genuinely thought I was having a heart attack. My chest felt like it was caving in, it was exactly like they say - like an elephant on your chest. And my whole body was shaking and I couldn't speak and my breathing was so shallow that I was breathing in and out in 'half-breaths'.
Texted my mum because I was so distraught and in pain - some of you may be wondering why would you want help if you're suicidal, trust me - it was so painful that my survival instinct was literally all that existed inside me at that point. I had to call an ambulance and be taken to hospital.
Turns out I was having a severe panic attack, my heart was sitting at 180 bpm for most of the ride to the hospital and my whole body was literally like someone put electrical wires on my body, I was so exhausted from shaking and moving but my body was literally just shaking and vibrating, my whole entire body - including my head - felt like I was holding it against a washing machine and I couldn't even see.
As well, I was in my pyjamas, fuzzy socks and slippers and the emergency healthcare system in Western Australia right now is a joke so the ambulance had to park far away from the hospital and my stretcher had to go past all these random people, who weren't even trying to be suss with trying to see what was happening.
Don't get me wrong - I would be curious too, but I would at least be suss about it to not embarrass the person.
Anyway, because of the under-funding in the emergency department from the government all the stretchers were in this long corridor, in a waiting line. Some people had to be tended to immediately in-line, some were on their phones playing games; I guess I was in the middle of that spectrum.
They gave me lorazepam and said they would do tests on my heart just in case. My severe anxiety has given me heart related issues for years like daily heart palpitations (even over something silly like a sudden car driving by, because it reminds me of the sound of my mums car pulling into the driveway which scared me when I was younger and we were on really really bad terms) and frequent chest numbness, but yesterday was the first time in years I had a panic attack so severe.
Anyway, basically because they eventually were able to get the breathing and bpm under control with lorazepam I had to, understandably, give up my stretcher for the next emergency they had to face. What sucks was that I had to go to the normal emergency waiting room to wait to be seen; in my pyjamas, fuzzy socks and slippers.
They gave me more lorazepam in the waiting room and they gave me this random cookie, I guess for my blood sugar, but I kept offering it to strangers - by then I was swaying, sleepy and disoriented.
Waited for 2 hours, they took me to the psychiatric ward since it was a panic attack and OMG why do they make the psychiatric ward so depressing?? Seriously! It's like they want us to be mentally ill.
They put me in this small room with glass walls, like a fish in a tank, the floor was white with black specs and the walls were grey. The only furniture in this room was those block looking couches (like sitting on a block of wood) in drabby red, blue and green.
Already I felt the poison of the psychiatric ward affecting me, like I was being punished for having a panic attack, and I started to get mad because the first mental health doctor was a twat; no smile and whenever he would put something down he would sort of slam it down, like he didn't want to be there. I also felt tired, so tired, and I swear lorazepam secretly has 'truth-essence' in it because up until that point I hadn't told any medical staff about my three recent suicide attempts that I did in a week, the last one just days before.
But I gave in; this doctor (not the mental health doctor) was clearly bored asking me routine questions, so in my mind (that was in the clouds) I decided to spice it up and tell him about the attempts, he froze and then asked if I had any suicidal intent now - I of course say no (lying) - then he told me to wait a moment and left the room. They did a heart test, I don't know what it's called, but it's the one where they put the stickers all over you.
I hated it because you aren't allowed to move AT ALL which is impossible because I was still jittery, the doctor that did the test couldn't get a stable result but she admitted that she gave up and that 'this will do'. My heart test was, unfortunately, fine. I was kinda hoping by that point my pathetic attempts had somehow built up and were killing me now.
When I mentioned the attempts to the doctor, I mentioned yew seeds (my first failed attempt), get this - he couldn't find any information on yew seeds and couldn't figure out what it was? Maybe he was researching 'you seeds' or something, but surely they would come up somewhere.
Anyway, he said since he didn't know what they were he would just test my blood with everything, I think the results are fine because in the end I could go home, but he also gave me this discharge form (that I can't even read because of the scripture) that I need to give to my GP. Also, apparently I'm getting a script for lorazepam from my GP, so I will start taking that, I guess.
So yeh, I sat in this depressing room for about 5 hours and what was nice is the doctor let me go home in the end, since I said I had no intent, but I was so sedated because I don't know if it was because of the not sleeping for 2 days, or all the lorazepam (I've never taken it before, only ever took quetiapine - does it usually have this effect on you guys where you are like drunk?) but I couldn't stand straight by the end of the day, after spending 9 hours in hospital in total. In the end I walked out the doors into the night in my pyjamas, fuzzy socks, slippers and hair that resembled a long bird nest.
An employee, bless his heart, made sure I got to my Uber ok because I was still drowsy and unaware of my surroundings and sense of direction.
Tried to shower when I got home but forgot how to, I didn't know how to do anything really but at least I tried because I smelt so much like hospital.
Tried to order food because I was so so hungry, but unfortunately I collapsed asleep like a Sim before my food could arrive and I woke up at 3am realising this, and put the sad, cold food into the bin. Messaged Menulog, crossing my fingers so tight they understand the vulnerable situation I was in and give me credit or something.
It's the next morning now, I still smell like hospital and today I need to continue to recover, at least I finally got some sleep haha. Also, some people might judge me for withholding information from doctors initially, but a trip to the hospital when you're severely mentally ill is never pretty, or easy, or smooth-going.
Sometimes you challenge a staff member that gives you attitude, or suddenly get overwhelmed that EVERYTHING is in shades of black and white and just suddenly lose it etc. It's never pretty, and today I'm going to take extra care of myself.
Just feeling extremely exhausted, mentally and physically, and would really appreciate some hugs :)
Thank you for reading, as always I hope you are all doing ok today/tonight or at least have something to make you smile in front of you (like coffee).
