Venting My darkness

[DeepThinker]

I've been struggling with depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts since I had the ability to understand what suicide was. I've come to the conclusion that other's opinion on me killing myself don't matter. So why ask for help when their automatic response is to try to talk me down? They don't know. They don't want to know. I'm lonely at family functions, in large crowds, at parties. The worst part is that even when i can fully put into words what I feel when i just want to step off the bridge, they look at me with pity, sympathy, and oft times disgust. I don't want attention. I don't want anyone to save me. I want someone to understand. And so I don't want to live. Life is pain, from conception til they put us in the dirt and I've had more than my fair share of it. I've saved more people than i can count from themselves, but why can I not talk myself down? Do I want to? There's no guarantee that everything we go through in our day to day lives, whether it be racism, persecution for being an individual, or just bias at its basest and most profound levels is worth it. I hate looking around every day and seeing the world go to crap more and more, seeing less human decency in each new person I meet. Life is about choices. The choice whether i want to end it or keep slogging through a boring, fundamentally damaged lifestyle with no end in sight. There's no healing this. No way to stop these thoughts. These feelings.. but would i recognize myself if I were to wake up one day with a healthy mindset, and would i want to be that person? No. I am who I am because of my Darkness. I help people to distance myself from it, from this dark aura that follows me everywhere, every second of every minute of every day. But this darkness is the only thing that feels comfortable, the only thing that I understand. It's a question that i know the answer to, but only faintly. It's my only solace, my only sanctuary, and the fact that my own depression is where i derive any sense of succor or comfort even with my innumerable friends and family, shows me that I'm damaged at a fundamental level.

Sorry for rambling, but these are my thoughts at the moment.

 

[comfortablydumb]

It's much more likely that anyone will read your post if you use paragraphs.

A dense block of text is extremely uninviting, and will turn off most people from reading it.

I would have read the post, but because of the formatting I just can't be bothered.

 

[nopoint]

I can relate. I have depression for so long that it's a part of who I am. I don't know what happiness feels like, and no one in my family or friends truly understand.

 

[BlackDragonof1989]

That helped me feel better to read this, thank you, interpersonal and existential loneliness is painful. Sometimes I wish we did not inhabit separate bodies, I don't understand.

 

[Lisa]

I've been struggling with depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts since I had the ability to understand what suicide was. I've come to the conclusion that other's opinion on me killing myself don't matter. So why ask for help when their automatic response is to try to talk me down? They don't know. They don't want to know. I'm lonely at family functions, in large crowds, at parties. The worst part is that even when i can fully put into words what I feel when i just want to step off the bridge, they look at me with pity, sympathy, and oft times disgust. I don't want attention. I don't want anyone to save me. I want someone to understand. And so I don't want to live. Life is pain, from conception til they put us in the dirt and I've had more than my fair share of it. I've saved more people than i can count from themselves, but why can I not talk myself down? Do I want to? There's no guarantee that everything we go through in our day to day lives, whether it be racism, persecution for being an individual, or just bias at its basest and most profound levels is worth it. I hate looking around every day and seeing the world go to crap more and more, seeing less human decency in each new person I meet. Life is about choices. The choice whether i want to end it or keep slogging through a boring, fundamentally damaged lifestyle with no end in sight. There's no healing this. No way to stop these thoughts. These feelings.. but would i recognize myself if I were to wake up one day with a healthy mindset, and would i want to be that person? No. I am who I am because of my Darkness. I help people to distance myself from it, from this dark aura that follows me everywhere, every second of every minute of every day. But this darkness is the only thing that feels comfortable, the only thing that I understand. It's a question that i know the answer to, but only faintly. It's my only solace, my only sanctuary, and the fact that my own depression is where i derive any sense of succor or comfort even with my innumerable friends and family, shows me that I'm damaged at a fundamental level.

Sorry for rambling, but these are my thoughts at the moment.

Beautiful

 

[Tiburcio]

A non-suicidal person will never understand anything about depression and similar stuff. For them, we are weak, or lazy, or something. They don't understand or don't want to understand and just stands here being shitty with us.

 

[comfortablydumb]

A non-suicidal person will never understand anything about depression and similar stuff. For them, we are weak, or lazy, or something. They don't understand or don't want to understand and just stands here being shitty with us.

Nope. Not true. Most depressed people are not suicidal. Most suicidal people are not actively suicidal at all times.

Plenty of people have been depressed and/or suicidal, and then, for any number of reasons, stopped feeling that way. Many of them may experience depression and suicidality again, but they may have a stretch or several stretches of many years of feeling good and wanting to live.

Actual reality is nowhere near as black-and-white as you present it.

You may have the bad luck of only having stupid and unempathetic people around you. But plenty of depressed and/or suicidal people have the good luck of having empathetic people around them.

In my personal experience, a majority of people are empathetic towards suicidal thoughts, even. But, of course, very few people encourage suicide, because it is wildly irresponsible to actively encourage it. (It should be obvious that acceptance of someone's genuine suicidal intent is very different from encouragement of it, by the way.)

 

[Tiburcio]

Nope. Not true. Most depressed people are not suicidal. Most suicidal people are not actively suicidal at all times.

Plenty of people have been depressed and/or suicidal, and then, for any number of reasons, stopped feeling that way. Many of them may experience depression and suicidality again, but they may have a stretch or several stretches of many years of feeling good and wanting to live.

Actual reality is nowhere near as black-and-white as you present it.

You may have the bad luck of only having stupid and unempathetic people around you. But plenty of depressed and/or suicidal people have the good luck of having empathetic people around them.

In my personal experience, a majority of people are empathetic towards suicidal thoughts, even. But, of course, very few people encourage suicide, because it is wildly irresponsible to actively encourage it. (It should be obvious that acceptance of someone's genuine suicidal intent is very different from encouragement of it, by the way.)

I slept bad, I'm not expressing my thoughts very good, sorry.

You may have the bad luck of only having stupid and unempathetic people around you. But plenty of depressed and/or suicidal people have the good luck of having empathetic people around them.

All the people I know were extremely toxic and unsupportive with me, I talked since my experience. It's hard for me to imagine somebody comprehensive but it could be.

Also, I tend to associate depression and suicide because when I was the two things almost at the same time. Time after depression, suicidal thoughts came to me fastly.

But anyway, I'm only sleeping 5 hours every day, I can't be very useful in this state. Thanks for correcting me.

 

[Amy Ulrich]

If you're condition is covert narcissist then there actually is a way to stop it. You have to remember the original.trauma. Best if you do so in a safe location with a safe person to comfort you, but if there is no such person who would do so, and if you think you are capable of doing it yourself, then you can try. The experience will be bad but it will not be as bad as you fear. Then, you will recover from it, which you've never done before which is why you hurt others and hate yourself.

The above applies if your condition is covert narcissist. While you can look into it, there is a lot of false info of people using terms without k owing their meaning. And you obviously have to ignore anything "official" or DSM-related for anything.

There are people who have successfully recovered themselves. But you have to remember the trauma otherwise the condition will always come back. You have to remember it and then actually go through the emotions like you needed to do the first time. Then, the repressed things that cause anger and fear against people who have tried to care about you will be released. And you will be able to care about someone back without hating or hurting them.