Story My dad wants to go with me

[gingermacie]

My father and I both have difficulty expressing our emotions to each other. He has developed a way of talking to me about difficult subjects using metaphors, analogies, symbolism, etc.

In the past year he has seen me in the midst of severe psychosis, rescued me from jumping from a cliff twice, watched me be taken to inpatient in an ambulance and found my neck injuries from a failed hanging. I have always struggled mentally but it has certainly come to a head.

I'm staying with my parents for now. On occasion my dad will ask me to help with a project. One day we were in the garage after his recent purchase of an ATV. Suddenly staring into my eyes intently, he explains that I should never run it when the garage is sealed because I could die in minutes.

Knowing him well, I realized he was giving me an option. With tears in my eyes I asked him to explain how to start it. He said he would do so another time and that we'd have to be together. I was reminded of the time he saved me from a cliff above water and he said had I jumped he would have to dive after me.

One night he stood in my doorway in the middle of the night, saying nothing. I knew from hints he had dropped during the day that he was saying "if you go to the basement, I'm going with you."

It breaks my heart to think about him offering to die with me. He is very smart and I do think he's doing this to deter me from CTB, but I also believe he would go through with it if it came down to it. He's been the best father he could be despite his own upbringing. Still, I turned out to be a nightmare and he wants to help however he can. I can't respect his wishes. My mom really needs him as she is likely to develop dementia. He is a way better person than me and shouldn't have to give up everything because I made bad descisions.

When I CTB it will be alone, I'll have to find a way. With or without him there I will feel guilty. I'm terrified that he will follow me, but at that point it would be his own decision. I just can't bear taking him with me. Thanks for reading, I just really needed to express this because there's no way I can tell anyone irl about it. Lmk what you think, these feelings are so confusing.

 

[anxiousmess0471]

Hi I am so sorry you have been feeling this way. Honestly I can relate in that if I ctb, my mom will probably do it as well since she is so attached to me. It would break my family. But sometimes even then, its hard to not think about and hard to not want to ctb. Have you considered maybe sitting down and having a conversation with your father about why you want to ctb? Other than that I wish I had some better advice for you. Hang in there.

 

[gingermacie]

Hi I am so sorry you have been feeling this way. Honestly I can relate in that if I ctb, my mom will probably do it as well since she is so attached to me. It would break my family. But sometimes even then, its hard to not think about and hard to not want to ctb. Have you considered maybe sitting down and having a conversation with your father about why you want to ctb? Other than that I wish I had some better advice for you. Hang in there.

Thanks. Nice to hear that someone relates, I'm sorry about your situation. There's a small possibility I could bring it up, but I'm not sure if it would be useful or helpful for either of us.

 

[melancholymallory03]

My father and I both have difficulty expressing our emotions to each other. He has developed a way of talking to me about difficult subjects using metaphors, analogies, symbolism, etc.

In the past year he has seen me in the midst of severe psychosis, rescued me from jumping from a cliff twice, watched me be taken to inpatient in an ambulance and found my neck injuries from a failed hanging. I have always struggled mentally but it has certainly come to a head.

I'm staying with my parents for now. On occasion my dad will ask me to help with a project. One day we were in the garage after his recent purchase of an ATV. Suddenly staring into my eyes intently, he explains that I should never run it when the garage is sealed because I could die in minutes.

Knowing him well, I realized he was giving me an option. With tears in my eyes I asked him to explain how to start it. He said he would do so another time and that we'd have to be together. I was reminded of the time he saved me from a cliff above water and he said had I jumped he would have to dive after me.

One night he stood in my doorway in the middle of the night, saying nothing. I knew from hints he had dropped during the day that he was saying "if you go to the basement, I'm going with you."

It breaks my heart to think about him offering to die with me. He is very smart and I do think he's doing this to deter me from CTB, but I also believe he would go through with it if it came down to it. He's been the best father he could be despite his own upbringing. Still, I turned out to be a nightmare and he wants to help however he can. I can't respect his wishes. My mom really needs him as she is likely to develop dementia. He is a way better person than me and shouldn't have to give up everything because I made bad descisions.

When I CTB it will be alone, I'll have to find a way. With or without him there I will feel guilty. I'm terrified that he will follow me, but at that point it would be his own decision. I just can't bear taking him with me. Thanks for reading, I just really needed to express this because there's no way I can tell anyone irl about it. Lmk what you think, these feelings are so confusing.

I would highly question any father that is even considering ctb with you. He does not sound like he's in a good mental state to take care of you or help you. I hope you both find the freedom and peace you deserve . I wouldn't wish going alone on anyone if that's not what they wanted but I find it a bit weird he's passively agreeing as a parent . No hate, no shame: just my opinion and only love and respect for u both. Just offering another perspective maybe

 

[Mi Mi]

My father and I both have difficulty expressing our emotions to each other. He has developed a way of talking to me about difficult subjects using metaphors, analogies, symbolism, etc.

In the past year he has seen me in the midst of severe psychosis, rescued me from jumping from a cliff twice, watched me be taken to inpatient in an ambulance and found my neck injuries from a failed hanging. I have always struggled mentally but it has certainly come to a head.

I'm staying with my parents for now. On occasion my dad will ask me to help with a project. One day we were in the garage after his recent purchase of an ATV. Suddenly staring into my eyes intently, he explains that I should never run it when the garage is sealed because I could die in minutes.

Knowing him well, I realized he was giving me an option. With tears in my eyes I asked him to explain how to start it. He said he would do so another time and that we'd have to be together. I was reminded of the time he saved me from a cliff above water and he said had I jumped he would have to dive after me.

One night he stood in my doorway in the middle of the night, saying nothing. I knew from hints he had dropped during the day that he was saying "if you go to the basement, I'm going with you."

It breaks my heart to think about him offering to die with me. He is very smart and I do think he's doing this to deter me from CTB, but I also believe he would go through with it if it came down to it. He's been the best father he could be despite his own upbringing. Still, I turned out to be a nightmare and he wants to help however he can. I can't respect his wishes. My mom really needs him as she is likely to develop dementia. He is a way better person than me and shouldn't have to give up everything because I made bad descisions.

When I CTB it will be alone, I'll have to find a way. With or without him there I will feel guilty. I'm terrified that he will follow me, but at that point it would be his own decision. I just can't bear taking him with me. Thanks for reading, I just really needed to express this because there's no way I can tell anyone irl about it. Lmk what you think, these feelings are so confusing.

I feel guilty for feeling this is the most beautiful thing I have ever heard.
It reminds me of a story I saw on YouTube where a young woman decided she wanted assisted suicide.
Her father didn't want her to but he understood.
So he chose to support her and enjoy their last days together.
No one may understand it but sounds like to me your father loves you immensely.
He seems to understand You despite death being such a taboo when you choose it. I really hope the best for your family. Sounds like all of you are angels in the wrong home.

 

[HighFlight]

Your story tells me how much your father loves you, and that he is willing to do anything to help you, regardless of path.

Always remember that!

My son is also struggling and we have a similar relationship. I know I haven't been the best dad, and realize that I could have helped him more over the years with dealing with his issues. Much like your dad, I hide my emotions as much as possible, and we don't talk much about these things. I've repressed all of my emotions since childhood and am only recently learning how messed up I am. In hindsight...

I wish I had taken the opportunity to teach him to deal with his struggles while he was still young.
I wish i had the power to remove all of his obstacles in life.
I wish I could have been a better dad.

Maybe more like yours...

 

[Chastity]

I acknowledge that you probably love your parent very much... but if my father suggested this I would 100% take it as a threat to my bodily autonomy