CTB takes planning, focus, and energy. When we go through trauma it is not uncommon to become too anxious and too drained to have all the energy and focus needed for CTB. This has happened to me and it sounds like you may be going through something similar. It's why, as mentioned above, some people CTB shortly after starting antidepressants; for the first time in years they have some energy, their thoughts are more organized, they can make a plan and go out and get the necessary items, etc. Yet the medication takes months to reach its full effect, so it hasn't relieved their depression and they are still suffering to the level of wanting to CTB.
It sounds like you experienced a severe trauma and your mind is concentrated on trying to process this trauma, and it doesn't have room for all the thoughts that need to go into planning CTB. It's a terrible place to be in, but I want to say that you're not alone and you're not crazy, trauma is an incredibly hard thing for the brain to process and 4 months is not a long time in terms of that, Don't ever feel like you need to "get over it" as that is not possible, if your body was battling cancer or any other physical disease it would just need to take all the time it needs and this is the same thing.
On the flip side, I know that suffering daily makes 4 months into a very long time for how you have to experience it. I so wish trauma didn't exist and I could snap my fingers and undo this for you, but we can't undo time. Just do your best to be kind and gentle to yourself, don't put extra pressure or expectations on yourself, and give yourself the best chance to heal.
