DesperateOne
Experienced
- May 25, 2023
- 295
Hello everyone, I have decided to dump my CTB letter here. My case is very rare so I don't expect you to truly understand what's it like, but I still want to hear your feedback (I have no idea how I managed to get to 23 with the life I was living without losing my mind lol...) My main goal is to give my parents a solid explanation on why I did it and also give them some respite and tell them that it's not their fault so they can move on more easily. Here it is:
Dear mom and dad!
I love you more than anything in the world, but I really have to say goodbye because my brain won't leave me alone. I have spent my whole life with my mind in the online world. I have pushed all my emotions (good and bad), all my obligations and experiences to the back of my mind by getting distracted and addicted to this damn screen. It was like a warm light and every single time I stared at it all my problems, trauma, emotions and reality itself went away. I never realized what I was actually doing and how severe the consequences would be. Well, now here we are, me being a complete mental wreck at 23 with no friends, no solid experiences and no career. Its a total dead end.
I've told you both this a thousand times, but I want to tell you again so that you will understand the reasons for my actions. All my life I've been ignorantly engulfed by the flashy warm screen of devices, but recently something clicked in my brain and I started to realize the consequences. It's like I have woken up from a deep slumber and for once I could finally see my situation for what it really is.
I started to realize that I was no longer in high school and that I'm a full grown adult. I started to realize how much time had flown by while I was wandering in isolation in front of that screen. I realized how many experiences I had missed with you two and how many opportunities I had thrown away. I realized that I had virtually never been able to connect with you or anyone else because the screens had melted my brain. I realized how many people or friends wanted to hang out with me, but I pushed them away because I was so addicted. I realized that I'm academically, socially and experientially behind for at least a decade if not more which is a horrifying realization, since it makes me feel like I will never fit in anywhere. I also couldn't really live in the present moment, especially in the company of you two or "friends" from high school. I couldn't store those precious experiences in a treasure trove of memories because I was constantly under this cloud of anxiety and fog that this addiction was causing me.
I have tried many times to stop/quit and try to catch up with everything that I've been putting off, but every time I did I realized that my brain can't stand on any solid foundations. All my identity is connected to the screens, and without screens I am a total void. At this point I'm a shell of what I once was. This addiction got to the point where I was having daily migraines and I still stared at the shiny box. Every time I wanted to leave the computer/phone behind I felt like I was going crazy. I really don't know what I was thinking. I guess I thought I could keep living like this for years and years, stare a screen 12+ hours per day with no sleep and then 10 years later quickly join back into the real world. That's just not how it works and I'm only now seeing what an inescapable situation I'm in.
I don't want to die, but I also don't want to keep suffering. I don't want to recover and get back to the real world because I know I will go mad and then I will be sent to a mental hospital where I will be on pills for the rest of my life and in torment which I would not wish even on my worst enemy. When I realized that all of my identity that I've been building for the last 10 years is a lie, I knew it was over. I know that my dad thinks that this is just a little depression and that I can get out of it with a little help and SSRI's, but he is wrong. The root of my identity and personality is broken at its core and nothing will help fix that.
What my brain truly needs is to fill that 10+ years long black hole with some kind of real tangible formative experiences, but I know that's impossible to do now. My brain is too cut off from real life and our culture. The real human being that I was died a long time ago and now I'm just a brainless delusional shell of my former young self. I would give anything in the world to be able to go back and beat myself then throw those screens out the window, but unfortunately we don't have a time machine.
Please realize that I do not blame you and please do not blame yourselves. I'm only telling you this so you know why I did it and that there was truly nothing that could've been done later on to fix this. There's now way you could've known that I've gotten addicted so hard from a young age, especially since I managed to pretend really well like everything was okay, even though I was being tortured on the inside. The technology was also relatively new and nobody really knew a good approach of dealing with such issues. My dying wish however is that when you see people or children who are in a similar state as me (gen alpha is doomed in this regard), warn their parents, even if it is cringe-worthy. The children of those parents will thank you for it immeasurably. No child when they grow up will look back and say that they wanted to spend more time behind a screen.
Once again, I really love you, but I have never been able to express it from my heart even though I wanted to... You both deserve a better son and a better life. Even though it is not that much, I still hope that you can use the money I have earned online to live the life you have always wanted, at least for a short time, to get over my death. I want to emphasize that I really want to end things on my own terms, because when the psyche breaks down completely there is nothing worse in this world then that pain. There is still consciousness that is experiencing the suffering even thought that person that seems to be out of it, crazy or under a lot of pills.
So please understand that this is my final choice. Thank you for all the things you have given me. Thank you for all the love and all the opportunities even though I have thrown them away. Thank you for all the experiences that I did manage to remember and cherish. Sorry for being so cold, emotionless and delusional all my life. I'm also so sorry for being so selfish my entire life and for doing this final selfish act, but I see no other way around it. Sorry for not being present in your lives and there for you two when you needed me. I love you from the bottom of my heart. I hope that I will be given another chance to start this life again properly. If not, know that I will be in peace and that I will always be watching over you <3
Love, X.
Dear mom and dad!
I love you more than anything in the world, but I really have to say goodbye because my brain won't leave me alone. I have spent my whole life with my mind in the online world. I have pushed all my emotions (good and bad), all my obligations and experiences to the back of my mind by getting distracted and addicted to this damn screen. It was like a warm light and every single time I stared at it all my problems, trauma, emotions and reality itself went away. I never realized what I was actually doing and how severe the consequences would be. Well, now here we are, me being a complete mental wreck at 23 with no friends, no solid experiences and no career. Its a total dead end.
I've told you both this a thousand times, but I want to tell you again so that you will understand the reasons for my actions. All my life I've been ignorantly engulfed by the flashy warm screen of devices, but recently something clicked in my brain and I started to realize the consequences. It's like I have woken up from a deep slumber and for once I could finally see my situation for what it really is.
I started to realize that I was no longer in high school and that I'm a full grown adult. I started to realize how much time had flown by while I was wandering in isolation in front of that screen. I realized how many experiences I had missed with you two and how many opportunities I had thrown away. I realized that I had virtually never been able to connect with you or anyone else because the screens had melted my brain. I realized how many people or friends wanted to hang out with me, but I pushed them away because I was so addicted. I realized that I'm academically, socially and experientially behind for at least a decade if not more which is a horrifying realization, since it makes me feel like I will never fit in anywhere. I also couldn't really live in the present moment, especially in the company of you two or "friends" from high school. I couldn't store those precious experiences in a treasure trove of memories because I was constantly under this cloud of anxiety and fog that this addiction was causing me.
I have tried many times to stop/quit and try to catch up with everything that I've been putting off, but every time I did I realized that my brain can't stand on any solid foundations. All my identity is connected to the screens, and without screens I am a total void. At this point I'm a shell of what I once was. This addiction got to the point where I was having daily migraines and I still stared at the shiny box. Every time I wanted to leave the computer/phone behind I felt like I was going crazy. I really don't know what I was thinking. I guess I thought I could keep living like this for years and years, stare a screen 12+ hours per day with no sleep and then 10 years later quickly join back into the real world. That's just not how it works and I'm only now seeing what an inescapable situation I'm in.
I don't want to die, but I also don't want to keep suffering. I don't want to recover and get back to the real world because I know I will go mad and then I will be sent to a mental hospital where I will be on pills for the rest of my life and in torment which I would not wish even on my worst enemy. When I realized that all of my identity that I've been building for the last 10 years is a lie, I knew it was over. I know that my dad thinks that this is just a little depression and that I can get out of it with a little help and SSRI's, but he is wrong. The root of my identity and personality is broken at its core and nothing will help fix that.
What my brain truly needs is to fill that 10+ years long black hole with some kind of real tangible formative experiences, but I know that's impossible to do now. My brain is too cut off from real life and our culture. The real human being that I was died a long time ago and now I'm just a brainless delusional shell of my former young self. I would give anything in the world to be able to go back and beat myself then throw those screens out the window, but unfortunately we don't have a time machine.
Please realize that I do not blame you and please do not blame yourselves. I'm only telling you this so you know why I did it and that there was truly nothing that could've been done later on to fix this. There's now way you could've known that I've gotten addicted so hard from a young age, especially since I managed to pretend really well like everything was okay, even though I was being tortured on the inside. The technology was also relatively new and nobody really knew a good approach of dealing with such issues. My dying wish however is that when you see people or children who are in a similar state as me (gen alpha is doomed in this regard), warn their parents, even if it is cringe-worthy. The children of those parents will thank you for it immeasurably. No child when they grow up will look back and say that they wanted to spend more time behind a screen.
Once again, I really love you, but I have never been able to express it from my heart even though I wanted to... You both deserve a better son and a better life. Even though it is not that much, I still hope that you can use the money I have earned online to live the life you have always wanted, at least for a short time, to get over my death. I want to emphasize that I really want to end things on my own terms, because when the psyche breaks down completely there is nothing worse in this world then that pain. There is still consciousness that is experiencing the suffering even thought that person that seems to be out of it, crazy or under a lot of pills.
So please understand that this is my final choice. Thank you for all the things you have given me. Thank you for all the love and all the opportunities even though I have thrown them away. Thank you for all the experiences that I did manage to remember and cherish. Sorry for being so cold, emotionless and delusional all my life. I'm also so sorry for being so selfish my entire life and for doing this final selfish act, but I see no other way around it. Sorry for not being present in your lives and there for you two when you needed me. I love you from the bottom of my heart. I hope that I will be given another chance to start this life again properly. If not, know that I will be in peace and that I will always be watching over you <3
Love, X.
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