Venting My CTB conditions are coming close and I'm feeling happy

[jazzcat621]

It's like a massive weight is being lifted off my shoulders as I watch my life crumble as predicted. Months ago when the first impacts of the current US Administration hit me, I was able to tell almost exactly what would happen. I will not share exact details as its a highly unique case and being identified would only hurt me, but I have been subject to discrimination on every level from every person whose told me "I will have your back". As it would turn out, near everyone is 100% ready to unfairly hurt those below them without a second thought or sign of empathy or regret saying "I'm just following orders"

All this started a chain reaction causing nearly every aspect of my life to get worse. I was at a pretty stable "I survived the worst" point of my life. Went from psych wards to having a stable and well paying job, having a fulfilling relationship, healing from past traumas, stable home, and a decent and comfortable life. Now all that has turned to shit again by things completely outside of my control. My job is in limbo, my mental health and ability to care for myself has been in steady decline, and now my girlfriend is probably about to break up with me. She was the one person I depended on the most. The only truly stable thing I thought I had in my life. And just as I fall in love with her a second time, she falls out of love. Right when I started seeing the light at the end of the tunnel to recovery. It was an up hill battle getting from the bottom to thriving and now I am watching myself fall to square one just as I knew it would happen.

I tried telling everyone around me that these awful things would happen, that I would end up losing everything I got, but none of them believed me and now that I've proven them all wrong, they all are suddenly just not able to give any sort of support anymore. Their opinions that things wouldn't end up like this weren't made out of logical thinking, but rather hopeless idealism because they didn't want to admit they didn't *really* care. Its only shown me that most of the people in this world have no real love to give. Everyone is out for their own benefit, and those that seem to be "cared about" are just cared about because they are useful.

And after all of this, I honestly feel bitter satisfaction. I've laid out what my conditions were for me to go on to CTB and I am watching them all get met, exactly as predicted. I've laid out warnings, made it blatantly obvious of what is going to happen. I've practically told people I'm on this forum and that I will be leaving soon if things get worse. Yet they all just blindly continue on without a care in the world. Not even a sorry. Well at least I look forward to finding peace. I have my list of last things I wanna do. Travel the country, get the house I want, live the experiences I want to live. Maybe in my travels I might find someone to CTB with. My final wish would be to go out in someone's arms. It won't be soon, but it won't be long until then.

 

[lost_one]

I am so sorry that no-one seems to care, I am sorry your life is crumbling. I hate how most people are so selfish and selfcentered. I hate that one of hte actual advices m therapist gave are to essencially close my eyes, and be selfish as well.

Idk if that is what it takes to be happy, I was never happy. But I am glad we at least have this place to vent, and scream into the void. I am not un the USA, but I have acompanied the recent news, and honestly it is scary. So what you are feeling is normal. My therapist also told me most people do care, but just don't know how to react or deal with other people's feelings. But your fellings are valid. And you are heard...even if I don't have any good advice. Good luck, and I hope you find some peace, whatever you decide to do.

 

[boomsocknick]

I'm also inclined to find someone else to do this with. So here's what I think is the pertinent info: I think the method has to be faster than your tactile nerve response. It's been clinically observed that an estimated half of all people experience a spike in gamma brain waves, the waves associated with conscious alertness, a spike 300 times the normal range of conscious production. The final dreams at that time can reportedly be deeply horrific or deeply pleasant, and time may slow down, reportedly stretching one's experience of time so that decades or centuries pass in a single moment. But even these alarming anecdotes may not account for the human experience during the last firing of the last synapse. There may be a point at which, for example, the level of oxygenated blood dips below the point of resuscitation (no matter our tech level), but still enough to enable dreams, making the dreams unknowable to living people. I believe that your deepest psychological constitution decides if those dreams are joyful or if they're a nightmare that feels like a lifetime but only takes moments. If a person has always been insecure, paranoid, avoidant, poorly handles stress and change, or frequently recalls negative memories unprompted, these often incurable pathologies will determine how a person will experience death. And that's because they determine how a person dreams, whether the dream is drug induced or otherwise.

The worst case scenario is that you have a decades long nightmare tortured by all your deepest fears. The only contingency for this is dying a death that doesn't allow for the release of these brain waves, neurotransmitters, or any of the psycho medley that may cause the near death experience. The brain must be destroyed in an instant. Shotgun pellets only travel at 0.4 meters per millisecond. Nitroglycerin explodes at 7.7 meters per millisecond. Tactile stimulus signals take at least 4 milliseconds just to travel to the brain. If the dynamite sticks are resting directly on the back of your neck, the brain matter will theoretically be reduced to pieces that are too small for any consciousness or hopefully even perception of pain before the brain even realizes the imminence of death. I learned from a lengthy explosives safety manual that some kind of shrapnel in the nitroglycerin like firearm ammo will make the explosion significantly more deadly, as will detonating it in an enclosed space.

If you have the money, I'd recommend traveling to Potosi in Bolivia, where dynamite can be purchased legally. That's what I plan to do, hopefully not alone