donttellmybf2004
Member
- Feb 7, 2023
- 20
A few years ago my cousin ctb. A week before Christmas. His last call was to his mother, to apologize over and over on the phone.
We hadn't talked in months, he'd moved across the country and been stuck in rehab for a long time. Still, I loved him. I still do.
Today it made me pause, how strongly the thought overtook me. He suffered from drinking, from innocence, and from a childhood he never got to grow out of. He was only 21.
What bullshit, that he never got to grow older and look back on his childhood as ancient history. As the past.
He never got to grow old and grow wiser and get his first apartment, and buy himself a whole cake just because he could.
I don't blame him for ending his life, I respect his choice. He felt he needed to.
I won't pretend I haven't been set on following him into the dark many times before, and I won't pretend my suicidal tendencies are done forever.
But I think perhaps I should practice what I preach. Perhaps I should give myself a chance to grow out of a childhood of suffering. I believe it is possible.
We hadn't talked in months, he'd moved across the country and been stuck in rehab for a long time. Still, I loved him. I still do.
Today it made me pause, how strongly the thought overtook me. He suffered from drinking, from innocence, and from a childhood he never got to grow out of. He was only 21.
What bullshit, that he never got to grow older and look back on his childhood as ancient history. As the past.
He never got to grow old and grow wiser and get his first apartment, and buy himself a whole cake just because he could.
I don't blame him for ending his life, I respect his choice. He felt he needed to.
I won't pretend I haven't been set on following him into the dark many times before, and I won't pretend my suicidal tendencies are done forever.
But I think perhaps I should practice what I preach. Perhaps I should give myself a chance to grow out of a childhood of suffering. I believe it is possible.
