Hi,
Its hard and embarrassing to tell but I think maybe its the time, I don't care actually right now as many things happened and since I had mental problems and depression with extremely big pain I became like a completely different person. So I'm actually disassociated from that person which is previous self, for the better or worse, it made me overcame my fragile previous one and became stronger although having these mental problems. So I don't know, its like I got a strength against the past but got mental illnesses. I'm not telling my exact age but my mental illnesses started before 12+ years which is already far from the childhood time. I don't feel about it now but sometimes flashbacks come (the same biological body after all).
So this is the abuse story, not the only bad thing about my childhood but the most embarrassing thing that nobody knows.
Sorry, my memory is fading from that time so I don't know if I told it well. There are many more details I forgot and the abuse details are way more. I can't remember well what happened decades ago.
I don't know what to say after telling the embarrassing story and don't know if I should be here anymore.
Its hard and embarrassing to tell but I think maybe its the time, I don't care actually right now as many things happened and since I had mental problems and depression with extremely big pain I became like a completely different person. So I'm actually disassociated from that person which is previous self, for the better or worse, it made me overcame my fragile previous one and became stronger although having these mental problems. So I don't know, its like I got a strength against the past but got mental illnesses. I'm not telling my exact age but my mental illnesses started before 12+ years which is already far from the childhood time. I don't feel about it now but sometimes flashbacks come (the same biological body after all).
So this is the abuse story, not the only bad thing about my childhood but the most embarrassing thing that nobody knows.
I was living in a different country and isolated and small area. My childhood was in that place and when it was about to end, coincidentally we moved. So maybe that was a part of how I dealt with it later. I avoided to talk about my childhood later and deleted anything related. I filled my time and try to recall only good memories like playing games.
It was a residential area for nearby companies. So it was relatively small. There were multiple schools but mine was very small one and the staff were all females. They live nearby and I don't remember how it started but I had something like a very special relation with them. They pretended to love me and I loved them, giving hugs and kisses and stuff like that. So I went to their places regularly and it was fun as I get food and play and do many things. Also my family allowed me to sleep nights there. I actually used this to escape from my family (another problems that I can't say because it will be very long). So kind of had other moms and what they do (bathing, changing cloth, going to hospitals and stuff like that). So yeah, they touch and see the private areas very much.
But that wasn't the only problem, they excessively spanked me bare butt and touch stuff. I don't know but I kind of allowed them, I was already escaping from family, also I escaped from bullying and other stuff. I let them do whatever they want and be submissive. Despite all that, I continued to go to them and stupidly loved them although confused. They spanked me both at their places and school (privately). It was very much that I got used to it and I don't remember the reason at all (only thing I remember and not clearly is forgetting the homework).
This continued for the whole childhood years. Then a sudden movement happened and I was completely confused. Its like I missed them but then I don't know wtf feeling that was, hate or love, then I realized what they were actually doing. I guess I was a dumb child, maybe because I got rewards but comparatively what I escaped from was dangerous also and extremely harmful that I was forced to choose one bad over the other bads which made me more psychological damage. I got fucked up anyway and the only fake love I got is one of abuse.
That was a traumatic experience but I don't know how I fought it during the time pre-mental illnesses, I was fragile anyway but somehow my mind was able to withstand. But then I got changed completely after MDD and related heavy pain, so heavy that everything previously is nothing compared and its traumatic itself (it started at a random point when I started to question life maybe iirc). But anyway that was only one story of shit, I've had many others through the whole life so I got overwhelmed.
About the past, I'm disassociated from it so I'm kind of alright (yes the pain was heavy during mental illness that changed me despite some scars (I think psychological actually is written biologically on our bodies). The embarrassing thing I got from this is fetish of spanking, female dominance and stuff like pegging, not that I'm completely submissive but can be dominant also. idk if its related directly to the past because I'm disassociated but it appeared after mental illnesses started.
Of course I won't tell anyone about it, none will believe and its not "manly". This is one thing that is a hidden memory nobody knows about.
It was a residential area for nearby companies. So it was relatively small. There were multiple schools but mine was very small one and the staff were all females. They live nearby and I don't remember how it started but I had something like a very special relation with them. They pretended to love me and I loved them, giving hugs and kisses and stuff like that. So I went to their places regularly and it was fun as I get food and play and do many things. Also my family allowed me to sleep nights there. I actually used this to escape from my family (another problems that I can't say because it will be very long). So kind of had other moms and what they do (bathing, changing cloth, going to hospitals and stuff like that). So yeah, they touch and see the private areas very much.
But that wasn't the only problem, they excessively spanked me bare butt and touch stuff. I don't know but I kind of allowed them, I was already escaping from family, also I escaped from bullying and other stuff. I let them do whatever they want and be submissive. Despite all that, I continued to go to them and stupidly loved them although confused. They spanked me both at their places and school (privately). It was very much that I got used to it and I don't remember the reason at all (only thing I remember and not clearly is forgetting the homework).
This continued for the whole childhood years. Then a sudden movement happened and I was completely confused. Its like I missed them but then I don't know wtf feeling that was, hate or love, then I realized what they were actually doing. I guess I was a dumb child, maybe because I got rewards but comparatively what I escaped from was dangerous also and extremely harmful that I was forced to choose one bad over the other bads which made me more psychological damage. I got fucked up anyway and the only fake love I got is one of abuse.
That was a traumatic experience but I don't know how I fought it during the time pre-mental illnesses, I was fragile anyway but somehow my mind was able to withstand. But then I got changed completely after MDD and related heavy pain, so heavy that everything previously is nothing compared and its traumatic itself (it started at a random point when I started to question life maybe iirc). But anyway that was only one story of shit, I've had many others through the whole life so I got overwhelmed.
About the past, I'm disassociated from it so I'm kind of alright (yes the pain was heavy during mental illness that changed me despite some scars (I think psychological actually is written biologically on our bodies). The embarrassing thing I got from this is fetish of spanking, female dominance and stuff like pegging, not that I'm completely submissive but can be dominant also. idk if its related directly to the past because I'm disassociated but it appeared after mental illnesses started.
Of course I won't tell anyone about it, none will believe and its not "manly". This is one thing that is a hidden memory nobody knows about.
Sorry, my memory is fading from that time so I don't know if I told it well. There are many more details I forgot and the abuse details are way more. I can't remember well what happened decades ago.
I don't know what to say after telling the embarrassing story and don't know if I should be here anymore.
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