My bus is here but still can't do it :/

[heylightiforgot]

I'm not sure how much of my story I've detailed here, but I have severe CFS/ME and live with an abusive family in a very noisy household (which means crashes etc. are basically impossible to avoid, and I just can't implement proper self-care). My health has been endlessly deteriorating for the past year, and I began to develop severe food intolerances 8 months ago which have progressively been getting worse (losing lots of weight, foods triggering pain/inflammation etc.). So basically, instead of even having the opportunity to rest and be 'sick'/bedridden, I'm just endlessly trying to negotiate my living environment at home, which is hell. To cope with this all, I also began self-medicating with hydrocortisone (approx 40mg a day) 8 months ago, which helped tremendously at first, but now just barely keeps me afloat.

I think the final straw lately has been poor sleep and insomnia, because at least through all of this I was previously able to fall/stay asleep without too much trouble. Two days ago, I woke up after 3 hours of sleep and just realized I didn't have it in me to face another day. I have SN on hand, but instead opted for a sleeping pill OD. The thing is, I don't know how 'serious' an attempt it was, but I did go with what was reportedly an LD50 of Zopiclone (150mg). The most difficult part to overcome was taking an antiemetic beforehand, because in that sense I know I was at least partially serious and not wanting to throw up the meds; but opting for a pretty non-lethal method over the SN I do have also meant it was probably a cry for help.

So I woke up after 3 hours and told my parents I need to go to hospital. The ensuing 48 hours were literally hell on earth. I didn't sleep. I was delirious/semi-psychotic. I could barely look after myself physically in there and ended up in a psych ward. None of the doctors were pleased I self-medicate with HC, but I was running on pure fire/adrenaline and miraculously managed to convince them I was okay to go home, and promised myself I would CTB if I got out of there.

I came home and while it was a relief at first, I've woken up today and am just back in hell. Things are even worse now due to my 'gesture' because my parents are putting more pressure on me (want me to go out and see a psychologist etc., even though I can barely function). I have the psych team visiting tomorrow for a follow-up and am terrified that if I do not appear physically functional or am at all distressed, they will put me back in a ward.

I just can't figure out what I'm holding onto anymore, but I honestly don't think I have suicide in me. Is that possible? My brain keeps endlessly looping through things and paths I could have taken differently, but it's too late for, and it's almost like these fantasies keep me alive, even though I'm just torturing myself? And I know my physical condition is going to keep getting worse, and I'm approaching the point where I can't look after myself anymore, and since CFS/ME is so poorly understood, I would probably end up back in psych. I'm a pretty easy to please person and have always just craved basic comforts (TV, a safe living environment, spending time with my dog) but I don't have that anymore. I yearn for a real home where I feel safe, but my own home environment is literally killing me.

I honestly just don't want to die, and terminating my life goes against my own personal values and goals/ambitions for myself; I'm too attached to the person I 'could have been'. But I'm 100% fucked. I've seen what the ward is like now and it's worse than death. And I keep telling myself 'if things get bad, I can always CTB' but that isn't comforting when it's becoming a reality. Part of me just wants to give up all control and like if I have to die some other way (in hospital or whatever), then so be it. But I'm also scared and can't be brave or flippant about taking my life and everything feels so weird and arbitrary and surreal now. In a way, tonight would be the best time to CTB due to the psych team visiting tomorrow, but I know I'll sit here thinking about it and never do it. Sigh.

 

[SprocketFiend]

You are going through so many stressful things, I am so sorry that life is throwing all of this at you. You are right, home is where you are supposed to be able to find comfort and safety, and it's so not fair that you do not have this right now. You sound very strong. I hope that, whatever you path you choose to take, you find relief from your pain and stress. I hope that you can arrive at a decision that's good for you after careful thought. Please don't do something dangerous on an impulse, though I know that it is very very difficult right now. Your feeling scared and confused and worried about everything is absolutely valid and understandable. It breaks my heart to hear what you're going through.

 

[heylightiforgot]

Thanks for the kind words. I guess part of it is just the futility and sadness of having to give up after fighting so long to give myself a life; and being sick for so long, it's not like I've really had a chance to get 'bored' of life per se, since I've lost the ability to do so many things that I now miss.

 

[woxihuanni]

Is there no way to contact government or volunteer organisations to get to a safe environment?

 

[heylightiforgot]

Is there no way to contact government or volunteer organisations to get to a safe environment?

It's just too late :( My health is deteriorating so rapidly, I'd have no money or way to look after myself even if I changed environment. It's a horrible situation to be in because nothing is at all certain .. I just never know how I will wake up day-to-day, and it's like one tiny stressor could be the end of me.

 

[woxihuanni]

It's just too late :( My health is deteriorating so rapidly, I'd have no money or way to look after myself even if I changed environment. It's a horrible situation to be in because nothing is at all certain .. I just never know how I will wake up day-to-day, and it's like one tiny stressor could be the end of me.

But if there are relevant organisations where you are, you shouldn't have to make money or look after yourself, help should be available. I just don't know what options there are, of course, but any semblance of a working system should address this sort of situation.

I wish you could calm down and present as rational and let the mental health team see the situational problems rather than labelling you with some mental health problem. Nobody in your situation can be chirpy.

 

[heylightiforgot]

But if there are relevant organisations where you are, you shouldn't have to make money or look after yourself, help should be available. I just don't know what options there are, of course, but any semblance of a working system should address this sort of situation.

I wish you could calm down and present as rational and let the mental health team see the situational problems rather than labelling you with some mental health problem. Nobody in your situation can be chirpy.

I'm not trying to be rude, but I just think you don't understand the reality of severe CFS/ME. My body is so frail, I just live on the constant edge, worrying one night's missed sleep etc. could be the end of me. On extremely bad days, it's difficult to speak, walk etc. Even if I was 'saved' now, the stress of having to relocate would be impossible for my body to deal with. And sadly, CFS just isn't a medically understood condition; I was literally in an emergency room and told by doctors I'm completely fine. So I'm going to die one way or the other -- from the CFS, in a hospital/psych ward, or at my own hand. I have to mentally treat each day like it's potentially my last. And it feels sickening to not know how, because I'm someone who craves control and I feel that all slipping away. I honestly think I'm profoundly brave to have survived so long, even though I never give myself credit, but that doesn't really make me feel 'good' because dying still just seems so unfair after having endured so long.

 

[woxihuanni]

Don't worry about being rude, of course I don't understand. Just that I wish you to have relative peace and comfort, despite what is inevitable. And fuck those doctors.

You are indeed brave, it breaks my heart to see anybody die when they want to live.

Sending you my best wishes and hugs, for what it is worth...

 

[Stan]

Hi. really sorry to hear of your plight. Not much I can offer upon what was already said above. I can only offer some practical suggestions I am afraid based on what you communicated and hopefully you won't think I'm being insensitive of the bigger picture. Two things. Have you had a proper talk with your family/ I don't mean your feelings regarding cbt but perhaps there is a bit of behaviour either in their interaction with you or things that are going on in the house that if changed might make things a bit more bearable for you. I would probably spend some time with pen and paper or whatever is easier for you to right a list with so you can prepare. Regarding the noise situation, what about noise cancelling headphones? They are really good at blocking out a lot of noise and you can wear them without having to listen to audio and they still block the noise. Over ear ones work the best, in ear/buds do not work so well. Maybe if you got some rest bite from all the environmental factors it might give you some space to breathe. Maybe if funds allowed it, look to soundproof the whole bedroom and fit it out like a studio apartment.

 

[heylightiforgot]

Probably easier said than done, but I wonder if (logically I know my live is over) it's better to change my attitude/beliefs towards death and suicide. I mean I've seen what a 'cry for help' achieves and hospital was almost worse than my current situation. Of course, suicide isn't easy, but I also live with a lot of severe anxiety and sense of impending doom and terror, which makes approaching it even more difficult .. like knowing I have so little control over my circumstances and maybe one night's missed sleep or trigger from my family etc. could force me into it. It's hard to even approach the idea calmly or rationally; I keep thinking there will be a moment where it feels 'right' to die, but I keep clinging on. Sometimes I have been vaguely psychotic and a lot more impulsive and in those moments I felt like I could go through with the final push. Maybe alcohol/benzos could work. As I've mentioned before, sometimes when I wake up hungover from taking sleeping meds, I just feel so indifferent/apathetic to everything that even dying doesn't seem so bad.

But on top of that, there's a lot of my own thoughts and feelings mixed in, like perceiving death as a form of 'failure', being unable to forgive myself for what's happened to me, self-blame etc. So I try change those but it's difficult too :(

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Sorry to hear of your plight. I can relate to your desperation. Wish I could offer advice. All I can say is that the psych team will offer you medication or counselling, there's not much else they can do. If you can keep it together and appear rational it may help.