secretghost
days to bus ride: 14
- Jun 23, 2025
- 18
Hello,
I hope this is alright to post after reading the rules and making my account. I've had a lifetime of thinking and wanting and feeling like it isn't a real option even when I wanted to go more than anything. I'm not sure how it changed, but something in my perspective has shifted and cleared over the past months and I have grown happier every day. I have nowhere else to talk about this; it feels really weird walking around in busy day-to-day life and around loved ones knowing that many normal experiences are my last. I saw the ocean this week. It was freezing but I got in anyways since it's probably the last time.
I have my last birthday very shortly, I won't doxx myself with the specific date but I feel weird not being able to acknowledge aloud that it is the last. I'm trying to make the days special and positive memories for loved ones to look back on. I'm trying to avoid the standard pitfalls which may include more guilt or questioning than necessary.
I learned what CBT stands for today after joining this site looking for a place to speak plainly to anyone else about what the next few days are like for me. If anyone has any questions of well wishes or nice memories to pass on to me, it would be really kind. I think I'm set for the 9th of July to catch my bus.
At this point I have everything rehearsed and planned, even an internal sort of guided thinking to get through the brief rough part when I commit. I've left myself emotional wiggle room with different contingencies for time alone and opportunity. I know it's fucked up but I'm truly so happy. They say most anxiety comes from decision making; I never knew how I'd know I was ready but it just feels decided for me and I am free to walk a little lighter until then.
I don't know what else to add except that I'll be here until then for sure, too much to do and enjoy to rush but I'm counting down the days and growing lighter every morning. Thanks to anyone who took the time to read. parts of myself are still deeply in denial about this but being able to be honest is helpful to me to process my reality.
-H
I hope this is alright to post after reading the rules and making my account. I've had a lifetime of thinking and wanting and feeling like it isn't a real option even when I wanted to go more than anything. I'm not sure how it changed, but something in my perspective has shifted and cleared over the past months and I have grown happier every day. I have nowhere else to talk about this; it feels really weird walking around in busy day-to-day life and around loved ones knowing that many normal experiences are my last. I saw the ocean this week. It was freezing but I got in anyways since it's probably the last time.
I have my last birthday very shortly, I won't doxx myself with the specific date but I feel weird not being able to acknowledge aloud that it is the last. I'm trying to make the days special and positive memories for loved ones to look back on. I'm trying to avoid the standard pitfalls which may include more guilt or questioning than necessary.
I learned what CBT stands for today after joining this site looking for a place to speak plainly to anyone else about what the next few days are like for me. If anyone has any questions of well wishes or nice memories to pass on to me, it would be really kind. I think I'm set for the 9th of July to catch my bus.
At this point I have everything rehearsed and planned, even an internal sort of guided thinking to get through the brief rough part when I commit. I've left myself emotional wiggle room with different contingencies for time alone and opportunity. I know it's fucked up but I'm truly so happy. They say most anxiety comes from decision making; I never knew how I'd know I was ready but it just feels decided for me and I am free to walk a little lighter until then.I don't know what else to add except that I'll be here until then for sure, too much to do and enjoy to rush but I'm counting down the days and growing lighter every morning. Thanks to anyone who took the time to read. parts of myself are still deeply in denial about this but being able to be honest is helpful to me to process my reality.
-H
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♥
you are welcome 
thank you 
I'm so excited, especially for the physical pain to be done
