Venting My brother wants to CTB. I want him to, too.

[STTP]

TW FOR SEXUAL ASSAULT + TRANSPHOBIA

When I came out to my dad (and grandmother, and in-laws) as trans, it seemed like the whole family exploded. I honestly didn't care too much about the reaction, I just wanted to be able to still see my mom; she's the only one I can say I love.
My brother already knew that I was trans, but kept quiet (and unaccepting), the whole time he knew. Only once, when he was drunk off his ass, did he call me his sister while trying to get me to talk to him. I came out to my dad, who had a fucking meltdown, and my brother unsurprisingly supported him, considering they're both hard right-wingers. The next week was the worst, the aftermath was way worse than when I had to speed away from my parents' house while my dad chased after me in his truck.
They constantly called me and checked up to make sure I was "right in the head", apparently they read about the suicide statistics. I mentioned that suicide rates are dependant largely on acceptance, but they read that as "I'll kill myself if you don't bend to my will". My dad, my grandma, and my brother called to ask what was wrong with me, and asking and begging me not to kill myself. I had to assure them that I won't, because I already have a good support group and I love my life (this is complicated, but I'm sure the readers here recognize that's a bit of a lie since I'm here in the first place) but they kept insisting.
At one point, my brother asking me not to kill myself started to break down into him venting and crying about how he's there, how he's been there, and how he knows how I'm feeling. He doesn't, clearly, since he continued to antagonize me and tell my dad I'm "poisoned by liberals into thinking I'm a girl". I know he wrote a suicide note before, though, since I found it, and he told me every time he closes his eyes he thinks of his pistol on his bedside, and that he thinks about it constantly. He just started venting to me about all of this with no warning while I was in a restaurant. This wouldn't be an issue if it wasn't him, I will always help my friends, but he's not a friend. I fucking hate him.
He molested me when I was a child. I was 10, he was 15. He knew what he was doing. He knew how awful it was. It permanently fucked me up, and I still have issues regarding sexuality due to it. He has verbally, mentally, and physically abused me my whole life, since I was probably 6 or so. He has never done anything kind to me, only tolerable, while beating me, while teaching me how awful the world is, while molesting me.
He's sexually assaulted every girlfriend he's ever had, he's constantly verbally berated them even when I'm around, he's emotionally manipulated them. He cheated on his pregnant fiancee (with a non-binary person, funny enough) and continued to abuse her. He and his friends teamed up and had a plan called "FAF" in highschool senior year. That's fuck all freshman, a list of 14 year old girls him and his 18 year old friends set points to with the goal of having sex with them before they went to the next grade up. He's a serial assaulter, child molester, nazi fuck.
I didn't know what to say when he was venting to me. I didn't offer my sympathies, that's for sure, I just deflected, because honestly, I hope he does it. I hope he still thinks of his pistol. I hope it takes his life, god willing.

 

[Bells]

I'm really sorry to that you had to go through all of this, sounds like an absolute nightmare. I'm glad that you didn't let them stomp all over you though. You are very brave and strong and I want to be more like you! <3

Your story is exactly what I fear about coming out to my family (I'm MtF). But it gives me hope that you are still you. However your family reacts doesn't change the fact that you are valid and you are real. That you didn't give up being you.

I don't know your brother but he seems fucking awful. The things he has done are horrible and inexcusable. It's almost incredible how vile and evil a person can be. And I 100% understand why you didn't offer your sympathies to that monster when he was venting. He doesn't deserve the sympathy, not a bit of it.

I just really hope that you keep being you, in the truest way possible. Don't let anyone tell you that you don't exist.

 

[STTP]

I just really hope that you keep being you, in the truest way possible. Don't let anyone tell you that you don't exist.

Thank you. Part of why I won't ctb is that I don't want them to win, I guess. I don't want them to feel like they were right. Admittedly, my transition didn't go well, physically. Hoping only the best and better for you

 

[Bells]

I'm sad to hear that your transition didn't go well physically. I'd like to think that transitioning is a process that ends when you are happy/comfortable with your body (if it ever ends at all, because everyone changes even if they are CIS, Trans, Straight or LGBTQ+, its part of being human).

Sometimes things don't go as we want them to go. Still, however, you seem so incredibly strong and wonderful that I believe you will achieve what you want. Our bodies and minds are always changing. Can't really speak from experience since I'm at the beginning steps of my transitioning but I like to think that it's an ongoing process, not just a binary thing. I hope things turn better for you because you deserve the best

If you need someone to vent to or talk to you can PM me whenever. I always love to get to know more fellow trans-women as I don't really have any MtF people in my close friend circle.

 

[Meditation guide]

TW FOR SEXUAL ASSAULT + TRANSPHOBIA

When I came out to my dad (and grandmother, and in-laws) as trans, it seemed like the whole family exploded. I honestly didn't care too much about the reaction, I just wanted to be able to still see my mom; she's the only one I can say I love.
My brother already knew that I was trans, but kept quiet (and unaccepting), the whole time he knew. Only once, when he was drunk off his ass, did he call me his sister while trying to get me to talk to him. I came out to my dad, who had a fucking meltdown, and my brother unsurprisingly supported him, considering they're both hard right-wingers. The next week was the worst, the aftermath was way worse than when I had to speed away from my parents' house while my dad chased after me in his truck.
They constantly called me and checked up to make sure I was "right in the head", apparently they read about the suicide statistics. I mentioned that suicide rates are dependant largely on acceptance, but they read that as "I'll kill myself if you don't bend to my will". My dad, my grandma, and my brother called to ask what was wrong with me, and asking and begging me not to kill myself. I had to assure them that I won't, because I already have a good support group and I love my life (this is complicated, but I'm sure the readers here recognize that's a bit of a lie since I'm here in the first place) but they kept insisting.
At one point, my brother asking me not to kill myself started to break down into him venting and crying about how he's there, how he's been there, and how he knows how I'm feeling. He doesn't, clearly, since he continued to antagonize me and tell my dad I'm "poisoned by liberals into thinking I'm a girl". I know he wrote a suicide note before, though, since I found it, and he told me every time he closes his eyes he thinks of his pistol on his bedside, and that he thinks about it constantly. He just started venting to me about all of this with no warning while I was in a restaurant. This wouldn't be an issue if it wasn't him, I will always help my friends, but he's not a friend. I fucking hate him.
He molested me when I was a child. I was 10, he was 15. He knew what he was doing. He knew how awful it was. It permanently fucked me up, and I still have issues regarding sexuality due to it. He has verbally, mentally, and physically abused me my whole life, since I was probably 6 or so. He has never done anything kind to me, only tolerable, while beating me, while teaching me how awful the world is, while molesting me.
He's sexually assaulted every girlfriend he's ever had, he's constantly verbally berated them even when I'm around, he's emotionally manipulated them. He cheated on his pregnant fiancee (with a non-binary person, funny enough) and continued to abuse her. He and his friends teamed up and had a plan called "FAF" in highschool senior year. That's fuck all freshman, a list of 14 year old girls him and his 18 year old friends set points to with the goal of having sex with them before they went to the next grade up. He's a serial assaulter, child molester, nazi fuck.
I didn't know what to say when he was venting to me. I didn't offer my sympathies, that's for sure, I just deflected, because honestly, I hope he does it. I hope he still thinks of his pistol. I hope it takes his life, god willing.

I don't blame you a bit for hoping he does it. I'm sorry you have to live there with him! He's a sexual predator. I hope for the day you can get your own place.

 

[STTP]

I don't blame you a bit for hoping he does it. I'm sorry you have to live there with him! He's a sexual predator. I hope for the day you can get your own place.

I have my own place, as of recently. I'm forever fucking grateful.
Thank you for the reassurance.

 

[IBM0000]

As an older brother who sexually abused four out of his five younger siblings, two girls and two boys. I defintely understand both sides. Though our coping methods are different, we're all genuine. We're just people, we don't know any better. I am absolutely not agreeing with your brother's methods but I understand his coping mechansim. I am not noramlizing this, this is not normal. This is abhorrent and disgusting, but I wish I could rehabiltate myself instead of ending it all. I wonder why I did the things I did. And I know for a fact that I've ruined all of their lives. It's like I killed them, but I didn't. They're alive and they're forced to live with the consequences of my failures as a person.
This is the first time I've told anyone about this or even wrote about it. And I am sure no one has my sympathy, as it should. But just know that while what your older brother did was wrong, and isn't ever justifiable it doesn't mean he doesn't desreve rehabilitation. I know I am disgusting but what I've done will never change, the past is the past and yet it's still the present. My coping method was that I wanted to be a better older brother by supporting all of my siblings and trying to amend my mistakes via emotional and financial methods but I was too weak to do it, I peaked at 2019 and thank god for that, hopefully my death is soon. But I really wanted to amend for what I had done. If you have anything to get off your chest, I would be more than happy to listen.

 

[BoyInTheBox]

As an older brother who sexually abused four out of his five younger siblings, two girls and two boys. I defintely understand both sides. Though our coping methods are different, we're all genuine. We're just people, we don't know any better. I am absolutely not agreeing with your brother's methods but I understand his coping mechansim. I am not noramlizing this, this is not normal. This is abhorrent and disgusting, but I wish I could rehabiltate myself instead of ending it all. I wonder why I did the things I did. And I know for a fact that I've ruined all of their lives. It's like I killed them, but I didn't. They're alive and they're forced to live with the consequences of my failures as a person.
This is the first time I've told anyone about this or even wrote about it. And I am sure no one has my sympathy, as it should. But just know that while what your older brother did was wrong, and isn't ever justifiable it doesn't mean he doesn't desreve rehabilitation. I know I am disgusting but what I've done will never change, the past is the past and yet it's still the present. My coping method was that I wanted to be a better older brother by supporting all of my siblings and trying to amend my mistakes via emotional and financial methods but I was too weak to do it, I peaked at 2019 and thank god for that, hopefully my death is soon. But I really wanted to amend for what I had done. If you have anything to get off your chest, I would be more than happy to listen.

Her brother doesn't deserve any rehabilitation at all imo. SA is fucking awful and even if the one who did it regrets it and wants to change for the best it doesn't matter at all. The victim will be scared for life just because some shithead couldn't control themselves.

 

[klevarie]

Sounds like your family is the worst. Try finding a new circle.

 

[STTP]

As an older brother who sexually abused four out of his five younger siblings, two girls and two boys. I defintely understand both sides. Though our coping methods are different, we're all genuine. We're just people, we don't know any better. I am absolutely not agreeing with your brother's methods but I understand his coping mechansim. I am not noramlizing this, this is not normal. This is abhorrent and disgusting, but I wish I could rehabiltate myself instead of ending it all. I wonder why I did the things I did. And I know for a fact that I've ruined all of their lives. It's like I killed them, but I didn't. They're alive and they're forced to live with the consequences of my failures as a person.
This is the first time I've told anyone about this or even wrote about it. And I am sure no one has my sympathy, as it should. But just know that while what your older brother did was wrong, and isn't ever justifiable it doesn't mean he doesn't desreve rehabilitation. I know I am disgusting but what I've done will never change, the past is the past and yet it's still the present. My coping method was that I wanted to be a better older brother by supporting all of my siblings and trying to amend my mistakes via emotional and financial methods but I was too weak to do it, I peaked at 2019 and thank god for that, hopefully my death is soon. But I really wanted to amend for what I had done. If you have anything to get off your chest, I would be more than happy to listen.

Listen.
I am, unfortunately, someone who does heavily believe in rehabilitation for all kinds of people. One of my best friends killed his own mother, stabbed her repeatedly during a drug-fueled mental breakdown, plenty of my other friends have done some awful, awful things.
My brother knows what he did was bad, he doesn't care to make amends. He hasn't sought forgiveness in any way and he hasn't changed how he is - on every level, he's a selfish and cruel piece of shit, and likely will stay that way. Maybe he is mentally ill, sure - but so am I, and yet I and many others control any urges to harm others, and will show shame to get help in doing so. I don't think there's anything about him to fix other than depression, he's just an average person and a total piece of shit.

 

[IBM0000]

Her brother doesn't deserve any rehabilitation at all imo. SA is fucking awful and even if the one who did it regrets it and wants to change for the best it doesn't matter at all. The victim will be scared for life just because some shithead couldn't control themselves.

You're absolutely right and yet the toxic postivity in me makes me believe that even I could succeed (as in live a...relatively peaceful life) or desreve to when I 100% know that I don't desreve and can't. Honestly, I'd be more concerned about the people who don't want to amend and still commit such heinous violations. While I may be a disgusting shithead, at least I am not about that abusive life anymore

Listen.
I am, unfortunately, someone who does heavily believe in rehabilitation for all kinds of people. One of my best friends killed his own mother, stabbed her repeatedly during a drug-fueled mental breakdown, plenty of my other friends have done some awful, awful things.
My brother knows what he did was bad, he doesn't care to make amends. He hasn't sought forgiveness in any way and he hasn't changed how he is - on every level, he's a selfish and cruel piece of shit, and likely will stay that way. Maybe he is mentally ill, sure - but so am I, and yet I and many others control any urges to harm others, and will show shame to get help in doing so. I don't think there's anything about him to fix other than depression, he's just an average person and a total piece of shit.

Honestly, I commend you for being open-minded and not instantly cussing me out (as I do desreve). It's the good person in you that wants to believe in the humanity of others, even those that don't desreve it like your brother and I. But, time and time again you've been disappointed. In some foreign world, rehabilitation may have been possible for your brother; not your world though. Learning your perspective is a remindar and I am thankful for the opportunity to remeber the endless suffering I've inflicted on my younger siblings. I apologize for all the pain you've been through, and will continue to and I wish for your situation to end on your own terms. May it be your older brother's suicide or whatever will satisfy you.

 

[Meditation guide]

Listen.
I am, unfortunately, someone who does heavily believe in rehabilitation for all kinds of people. One of my best friends killed his own mother, stabbed her repeatedly during a drug-fueled mental breakdown, plenty of my other friends have done some awful, awful things.
My brother knows what he did was bad, he doesn't care to make amends. He hasn't sought forgiveness in any way and he hasn't changed how he is - on every level, he's a selfish and cruel piece of shit, and likely will stay that way. Maybe he is mentally ill, sure - but so am I, and yet I and many others control any urges to harm others, and will show shame to get help in doing so. I don't think there's anything about him to fix other than depression, he's just an average person and a total piece of shit.

You're absolutely right not to buy into that narrative that he can be rehabilitated and is an ok guy underneath that. He's scum and you're lucky you're not living there any more. I just would like to mention that your experience as you probably know might have primed you to accept bad or abusive or manipulative treatment from boys and men. Do not hesitate to be aware when you are being used and dump the creeps because I'm speaking from experience when I say, previous abuse can make you have no boundaries for what you will put up with and creeps can sense that.