Discussion My brother successfully unsubscribed. Any questions?

[MissingYou]

Hi guys. I do not share the same tendencies toward suicide but being involved in someone I loved very much committing suicide does give me a perspective on not only what works but also how it effects those close to you. If you choose to go through with it, maybe considering that there may be some people that love you and minimizing your impact on them would help. You have to do what's right for you.

I also have some questions about what was going through my brother's head before he decided to ctb. Maybe you can offer me some insight.

 

[ClownCringe]

Go ahead and ask away mate, the aftershock that we leave is truly unfortunate. appreciate you not demonizing your brother, shows you really love him. I have 2 younger brothers myself and im sure that ill devastate them when I go...

 

[SVEN]

I guess the weight of living was much greater than the ease of ending the burden of life.

 

[bluebus]

I've had a few people in my life kill themselves. It hurts. It's hurts so bad. I never really understood it. Until my life took a turn for the worse and I couldn't see any other option than to ctb. Now I'm in this situation, ready to die soon. I never in a million years would I have predicted that this where I'd be. If you had told me last spring what the future would be like, I wouldn't have believed it. Things just sort of turned on a dime. I definitely am not in the majority here. For most people, these sorts of feelings have been recurring and ongoing. The hardest thing for me is leaving behind the people I love. I think about most of the day.

 

[betternever2havbeen]

I'm sorry for your loss OP, it must be very hard. So many of us are sticking around (for now) because of the impact on those left behind. I'm sure you have many questions, all I can say is your brother absolutely wouldn't have wanted to hurt you or for you to feel any guilt at all (in case you are struggling with that, it being a common emotion after all) it was about escaping his pain. It's nothing you did or didn't do and it was his choice. Most of us here want to minimize the pain we cause those left behind. Unfortunately it is always going to be very painful, but we're in pain too.

 

[MissingYou]

Go ahead and ask away mate, the aftershock that we leave is truly unfortunate. appreciate you not demonizing your brother, shows you really love him. I have 2 younger brothers myself and im sure that ill devastate them when I go...

I do love him and I always will. He made some bad choices when he was young that caused most of our family to demonize him and he was going to be lonely for the rest of his life. I feel selfish every time I wish he was still here. He was incredibly intelligent. When we were cleaning out his apartment and I turned on his phone, he had deleted his screen lock. He had numerous pictures of his apartment but they were all random things (A picture of his bathroom mirror showing his towels hanging on the wall, a picture of his drawer with miscellaneous papers). I can't imagine why he thought they'd be relevant but I also wasn't in his headspace.

I know it's also selfish and it may be that he thought I wouldn't care, but there was no goodbye, no note, and I can see if he really thought no one would care but jeez, now I feel like he didn't care.

 

[Catlove]

I've had a few people in my life kill themselves. It hurts. It's hurts so bad. I never really understood it. Until my life took a turn for the worse and I couldn't see any other option than to ctb. Now I'm in this situation, ready to die soon. I never in a million years would I have predicted that this where I'd be. If you had told me last spring what the future would be like, I wouldn't have believed it. Things just sort of turned on a dime. I definitely am not in the majority here. For most people, these sorts of feelings have been recurring and ongoing. The hardest thing for me is leaving behind the people I love. I think about most of the day.

Life can be hard man, I remember feeling the way you do now and it sucks. PMs are open if you need somewhere to vent.

 

[MissingYou]

I've had a few people in my life kill themselves. It hurts. It's hurts so bad. I never really understood it. Until my life took a turn for the worse and I couldn't see any other option than to ctb. Now I'm in this situation, ready to die soon. I never in a million years would I have predicted that this where I'd be. If you had told me last spring what the future would be like, I wouldn't have believed it. Things just sort of turned on a dime. I definitely am not in the majority here. For most people, these sorts of feelings have been recurring and ongoing. The hardest thing for me is leaving behind the people I love. I think about most of the day.

I can sort of understand and it may not be at all similar, but I fell into a drug abuse phase and I was a POS mom that severely neglected my son. I really, really believed that I didn't deserve my son and that I was a burden on everyone. I ended up taking a bunch of muscle relaxers and sleeping pills and being inexperienced, had the best sleep in my life lol.

Thank you for understanding how it feels to lose someone you really love to suicide. It's really hard because I don't blame him at all but that just leaves sadness and wishing my phone would ring and his name would be the one on the screen.

I'm sorry for your loss OP, it must be very hard. So many of us are sticking around (for now) because of the impact on those left behind. I'm sure you have many questions, all I can say is your brother absolutely wouldn't have wanted to hurt you or for you to feel any guilt at all (in case you are struggling with that, it being a common emotion after all) it was about escaping his pain. It's nothing you did or didn't do and it was his choice. Most of us here want to minimize the pain we cause those left behind. Unfortunately it is always going to be very painful, but we're in pain too.

I get it, I do. You know, the struggle not to tell you about other options (therapy, medications, etc.) is very real. I won't do that because A- This is your life, not mine and B- I very much understand that some things don't change. I would say, if you want to minimize the pain to those you love, spend a day or two just building memories. Record some of them so they can remember the interactions and your voice very clearly.. and say goodbye in some way. I wish I had a note but even a long text about how much the relationship meant would be something nice to look back on when it gets really difficult.

 

[ClownCringe]

I've had a few people in my life kill themselves. It hurts. It's hurts so bad. I never really understood it. Until my life took a turn for the worse and I couldn't see any other option than to ctb. Now I'm in this situation, ready to die soon. I never in a million years would I have predicted that this where I'd be. If you had told me last spring what the future would be like, I wouldn't have believed it. Things just sort of turned on a dime. I definitely am not in the majority here. For most people, these sorts of feelings have been recurring and ongoing. The hardest thing for me is leaving behind the people I love. I think about most of the day.

i am here with you. its insane, would have never expected to be this desperate for an off-switch

 

[MissingYou]

i am here with you. its insane, would have never expected to be this desperate for an off-switch

Can I ask, what does it feel like to be that desperate and why do you think you crave it?

 

[betternever2havbeen]

I get it, I do. You know, the struggle not to tell you about other options (therapy, medications, etc.) is very real. I won't do that because A- This is your life, not mine and B- I very much understand that some things don't change. I would say, if you want to minimize the pain to those you love, spend a day or two just building memories. Record some of them so they can remember the interactions and your voice very clearly.. and say goodbye in some way. I wish I had a note but even a long text about how much the relationship meant would be something nice to look back on when it gets really difficult.

Thank you I appreciate that. It's not that most of us are adverse to therapy or medications (although a lot on here have had bad experiences with them), it's just the pro-life platitudes and helplines that don't go down well because it's invalidating. Thank you for understanding and accepting our choices.

Those are some good ideas, I think having some form of goodbye if possible is important. I'm sorry if you didn't really get that with your brother.

 

[olearius]

Firstly, I'm so sorry for your significant loss OP. You sound like an incredible sibling tbh. It sounds like you really loved your brother. And I'm sorry he didn't leave you a note or a goodbye. I can't imagine how that feels. I really appreciate the point you made about recording videos and stuff.

My brother died in an MVA 9 years ago and I can barely remember his voice because there aren't many videos of him.

For me, I really don't want to hurt my spouse. But I've also really tried everything. And my PTSD and chronic suicidality are just louder than everything else now. I'm so exhausted. I don't want to be this way. I would trade anything to be anything else. I have to imagine your brother was tired too. And I'm sorry.

 

[ClownCringe]

Can I ask, what does it feel like to be that desperate and why do you think you crave it?

The only thing I crave is the anvil getting off my chest. And if me dying is the only way that'll happen then that's my only option
Of course everyone is different but for me personally it was my health diving off a cliff as part of a surgical complication, now I can't breathe and am In constant pain. I have zero fight left in me.

But yeah I'm abit of an outlier because while I was sick before this I wasn't depressed. Now every waking moment is torture. If there was a way to undo what happened I would.

But only one way forward

 

[MissingYou]

Firstly, I'm so sorry for your significant loss OP. You sound like an incredible sibling tbh. It sounds like you really loved your brother. And I'm sorry he didn't leave you a note or a goodbye. I can't imagine how that feels. I really appreciate the point you made about recording videos and stuff.

My brother died in an MVA 9 years ago and I can barely remember his voice because there aren't many videos of him.

For me, I really don't want to hurt my spouse. But I've also really tried everything. And my PTSD and chronic suicidality are just louder than everything else now. I'm so exhausted. I don't want to be this way. I would trade anything to be anything else. I have to imagine your brother was tired too. And I'm sorry.

I really wish and am glad I'm not in your shoes. I hope that if and when you decide it's your time, you get an amazing hug that really fills your cup and let's you go to your next step happily.

 

[IfyouareamanWinston]

Everyone has their own deeply personal reasons. Just know that he was suffering and really had no hope of a way past whatever it was that caused him to do it.

 

[MissingYou]

The only thing I crave is the anvil getting off my chest. And if me dying is the only way that'll happen then that's my only option
Of course everyone is different but for me personally it was my health diving off a cliff as part of a surgical complication, now I can't breathe and am In constant pain. I have zero fight left in me.

But yeah I'm abit of an outlier because while

The only thing I crave is the anvil getting off my chest. And if me dying is the only way that'll happen then that's my only option
Of course everyone is different but for me personally it was my health diving off a cliff as part of a surgical complication, now I can't breathe and am In constant pain. I have zero fight left in me.

But yeah I'm abit of an outlier because while I was sick before this I wasn't depressed. Now every waking moment is torture. If there was a way to undo what happened I would.

But only one way forward

Do you feel like talking about it more in depth?
I'm new to this page and idk about PM options but I can be a friendly ear. If not, and you know that ctb is your best option, is there anything I can do to help you feel more peaceful in your decision

Firstly, I'm so sorry for your significant loss OP. You sound like an incredible sibling tbh. It sounds like you really loved your brother. And I'm sorry he didn't leave you a note or a goodbye. I can't imagine how that feels. I really appreciate the point you made about recording videos and stuff.

My brother died in an MVA 9 years ago and I can barely remember his voice because there aren't many videos of him.

For me, I really don't want to hurt my spouse. But I've also really tried everything. And my PTSD and chronic suicidality are just louder than everything else now. I'm so exhausted. I don't want to be this way. I would trade anything to be anything else. I have to imagine your brother was tired too. And I'm sorry.

It's okay and you don't have to be sorry for anything. This is your story as much as his life was his. Even if you do end your life, it won't be the end of your story. Your pain may end, and I hope that whether you stay or go, your pain does end. But still, the people that love you will continue to speak of you, their love of you, and the positive impact you had. I frequently tell my mom that life is for the living.. while those we love are gone, we keep them living by consistently remembering the love we have and their impact on our lives.

Whenever you decide its your time, that's up to you. Not that I have a right but if you could just leave your loved ones a good memory to cling to..

Firstly, I'm so sorry for your significant loss OP. You sound like an incredible sibling tbh. It sounds like you really loved your brother. And I'm sorry he didn't leave you a note or a goodbye. I can't imagine how that feels. I really appreciate the point you made about recording videos and stuff.

My brother died in an MVA 9 years ago and I can barely remember his voice because there aren't many videos of him.

For me, I really don't want to hurt my spouse. But I've also really tried everything. And my PTSD and chronic suicidality are just louder than everything else now. I'm so exhausted. I don't want to be this way. I would trade anything to be anything else. I have to imagine your brother was tired too. And I'm sorry.

It's okay and you don't have to be sorry for anything. This is your story as much as his life was his. Even if you do end your life, it won't be the end of your story. Your pain may end, and I hope that whether you stay or go, your pain does end. But still, the people that love you will continue to speak of you, their love of you, and the positive impact you had. I frequently tell my mom that life is for the living.. while those we love are gone, we keep them living by consistently remembering the love we have and their impact on our lives.

Whenever you decide its your time, that's up to you. Not that I have a right but if you could just leave your loved ones a good memory to cling to..

 

[olearius]

I really wish and am glad I'm not in your shoes. I hope that if and when you decide it's your time, you get an amazing hug that really fills your cup and let's you go to your next step happily.

I'm just so blown away by your compassion here for others. It would be okay to be angry and upset and to not meet people ready to ctb where they are - because of your recent significant loss. And yet, you are here, with openness and genuine compassion for us.

You are such a precious person and the world is better for it. I hope you know that.

Anyways, thank you. I don't know what led your brother to his choice but I would be more than willing to give you more of my own experiences and thoughts if it helps you find a way forward. Or if you ever want to talk about your brother, you're more than welcome to pm me. Losing a sibling is very hard.

 

[Scythe]

Sorry for your lose, and thank you for being so polite here and giving us the chance to tell our side of the stories. I apperciate it very much. I hope you can at least find peace in that your brother is in a better place and all his suffering and previous problems are gone now.

Can I ask, what does it feel like to be that desperate and why do you think you crave it?

As for me, I have a problem with society itself and I believe adapting to society will change who I am at a fundemental level. My death will be a way of self preservation. Relating to this topic there are two things I feel, one is peace, because I have come to terms with my death, and knowing whatever happens death will be there for me is comforting. The other is the heavy depression that distorts my sense of time, dragging it out so yesterday might feel like two or three days ago. It also makes me despair over the days I have left to leave due to unfinished business and sometimes I would be left with no motivation nor interest to do anything except staring at something or laying in bed.

 

[chloramine]

I do love him and I always will. He made some bad choices when he was young that caused most of our family to demonize him and he was going to be lonely for the rest of his life. I feel selfish every time I wish he was still here. He was incredibly intelligent. When we were cleaning out his apartment and I turned on his phone, he had deleted his screen lock. He had numerous pictures of his apartment but they were all random things (A picture of his bathroom mirror showing his towels hanging on the wall, a picture of his drawer with miscellaneous papers). I can't imagine why he thought they'd be relevant but I also wasn't in his headspace.

I know it's also selfish and it may be that he thought I wouldn't care, but there was no goodbye, no note, and I can see if he really thought no one would care but jeez, now I feel like he didn't care.

It's not selfish to wish you had a note or something. I didn't know your brother so I can't offer insight on why he specifically didn't write a note, but some common reasons I've heard (and to an extent experienced) are lack of energy, not knowing what to write and being too lost in apathy (not that he didn't care about you, but that he didn't have the capacity to think a letter mattered). Just know that it's most likely the case that the lack of note was due to an inability on his end somewhere, not due to you. I'm sorry for your loss and I really appreciate how you're approaching your brother's memory and the people here.

On the question of what desperation like this is like and why death. Personally there isn't some acute moment of change. I first wanted to die when I was 10 and by the time I was 11 or 12 it became constant. I don't really know how to describe it because I have no idea what it's like to not want to die at this point. I would often beg for anything to kill me. I guess I still do, but I'd like to think it's less dramatic now (I never did so where anyone would hear if I did it out loud at all). It's dread every time you wake up. It's every extra bad thing you do or that's done to you being confirmation that it would just be better to be done. It's wanting the world to be better off without you because then you're justified and you're allowed to just finally stop. It's days of overwhelming intense feelings and days of complete apathy that make it so moving to scratch an itch on your nose is too much effort. It's trying over and over again only to end up in a worse place. It's feeling guilty for not responding to people, but just not having the energy until you just haven't talked to a bunch of your friends for months. It's being terrified of having your autonomy taken away if anyone finds out. I don't know. I could reference a bunch more little snapshots, but in the end it's pain. Constant and always there and the only guaranteed way to make it stop is dying.

 

[wait.what]

@MissingYou: Thank you for your compassion and understanding. Please know that it is appreciated.

As for what was going through your brother's mind when he took his life, it's difficult to say. There are as many different reasons to die as there are to live. However, one thing people tend to have in common as they navigate their final days is a sense that their world has become unbearably small and tedious. They sometimes describe taking so many steps from their bed to the bathroom, and then just so many more from the toilet to the chair where they spend most of their time. They express how their living space has become full of objects that are somehow both hopelessly dull and terribly painful. One side of their desk may be taken up by a pile of dusty photos they were going to send to old friends, until they realized they didn't have anyone's addresses anymore, or the emotional energy to look them up. Meanwhile, the right side of their desk is covered in art supplies they bought two years ago in hopes that spending money on a hobby might guilt-trip them into taking one up. This generally does not happen.

A lot of people devote some of their final posts to making fretful itemized lists like this, documenting possessions they have no use or desire for anymore, but which they'd feel bad about throwing away. I don't know if that answer has any deeper meaning to it. It probably doesn't. It's just my observation about what a number of users have to say shortly before they ctb.

 

[MissingYou]

Sorry for your lose, and thank you for being so polite here and giving us the chance to tell our side of the stories. I apperciate it very much. I hope you can at least find peace in that your brother is in a better place and all his suffering and previous problems are gone now.

As for me, I have a problem with society itself and I believe adapting to society will change who I am at a fundemental level. My death will be a way of self preservation. Relating to this topic there are two things I feel, one is peace, because I have come to terms with my death, and knowing whatever happens death will be there for me is comforting. The other is the heavy depression that distorts my sense of time, dragging it out so yesterday might feel like two or three days ago. It also makes me despair over the days I have left to leave due to unfinished business and sometimes I would be left with no motivation nor interest to do anything except staring at something or laying

Sorry for your lose, and thank you for being so polite here and giving us the chance to tell our side of the stories. I apperciate it very much. I hope you can at least find peace in that your brother is in a better place and all his suffering and previous problems are gone now.

As for me, I have a problem with society itself and I believe adapting to society will change who I am at a fundemental level. My death will be a way of self preservation. Relating to this topic there are two things I feel, one is peace, because I have come to terms with my death, and knowing whatever happens death will be there for me is comforting. The other is the heavy depression that distorts my sense of time, dragging it out so yesterday might feel like two or three days ago. It also makes me despair over the days I have left to leave due to unfinished business and sometimes I would be left with no motivation nor interest to do anything except staring at something or laying in bed.

Thank you for saying that. It's interesting, and I guess that's part of why I'm here, I couldn't see the signs. But your reply reminded me of a text from him. I asked what he was up to, he said just staring at the wall. I wanted to know if he was watching TV or playing games and he said just wasting time until he fell asleep. I wish, I would have just loved him a little more. Yes, I wish it would have kept him here but also... even if he couldn't stay, I'd have a little more time with him in my heart.


Question, do you believe in any kind of conscious after death?

@MissingYou: Thank you for your compassion and understanding. Please know that it is appreciated.

As for what was going through your brother's mind when he took his life, it's difficult to say. There are as many different reasons to die as there are to live. However, one thing people tend to have in common as they navigate their final days is a sense that their world has become unbearably small and tedious. They sometimes describe taking so many steps from their bed to the bathroom, and then just so many more from the toilet to the chair where they spend most of their time. They express how their living space has become full of objects that are somehow both hopelessly dull and terribly painful. One side of their desk may be taken up by a pile of dusty photos they were going to send to old friends, until they realized they didn't have anyone's addresses anymore, or the emotional energy to look them up. Meanwhile, the right side of their desk is covered in art supplies they bought two years ago in hopes that spending money on a hobby might guilt-trip them into taking one up. This generally does not happen.

A lot of people devote some of their final posts to making fretful itemized lists like this, documenting possessions they have no use or desire for anymore, but which they'd feel bad about throwing away. I don't know if that answer has any deeper meaning to it. It probably doesn't. It's just my observation about what a number of users have to say shortly before they ctb.

THANK YOU! I have no clue if any of that was in his head but I do think you're onto something. I asked a friend of mine what the pics could possibly mean and he said maybe he was tripping on something. I don't think that my brother was and your answer probably fit way more. He lived in a studio apartment so maybe he was... documenting his life there... idk. But thank you anyway for your very thought out answer.

 

[ClownCringe]

Do you feel like talking about it more in depth?
I'm new to this page and idk about PM options but I can be a friendly ear. If not, and you know that ctb is your best option, is there anything I can do to help you feel more peaceful in your decision

It's okay and you don't have to be sorry for anything. This is your story as much as his life was his. Even if you do end your life, it won't be the end of your story. Your pain may end, and I hope that whether you stay or go, your pain does end. But still, the people that love you will continue to speak of you, their love of you, and the positive impact you had. I frequently tell my mom that life is for the living.. while those we love are gone, we keep them living by consistently remembering the love we have and their impact on our lives.

Whenever you decide its your time, that's up to you. Not that I have a right but if you could just leave your loved ones a good memory to cling to..

It's okay and you don't have to be sorry for anything. This is your story as much as his life was his. Even if you do end your life, it won't be the end of your story. Your pain may end, and I hope that whether you stay or go, your pain does end. But still, the people that love you will continue to speak of you, their love of you, and the positive impact you had. I frequently tell my mom that life is for the living.. while those we love are gone, we keep them living by consistently remembering the love we have and their impact on our lives.

Whenever you decide its your time, that's up to you. Not that I have a right but if you could just leave your loved ones a good memory to cling to..

Yeah send me a PM

 

[wait.what]

I wish, I would have just loved him a little more. Yes, I wish it would have kept him here but also... even if he couldn't stay, I'd have a little more time with him in my heart.

I hope your wish that you had loved him more isn't taking the form of regret. One of the crueler realities of severe depression is that those who are depressed generally can't feel others' love for them. Sometimes love is completely undetectable, like a black cat hiding in the dark. Other times a depressed person realizes it's there, but the love reads as a painful level of neurological noise. Imagine having people repeatedly scream "I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU" in each of your ears until you curl up in a ball and cover your head with your arms.

None of that is your fault, obviously. You just may have already been loving him as loudly and as hard as he could possibly tolerate. More love would not have saved him, or potentially even felt nice.

As for keeping him in your heart, you can always do that. True, it's not the same. I've seen grief described as "love with nowhere to go," and it does suck ass that way. But it is still possible to love the part of your heart that he will always live in, and the parts of yourself that loving him changed for the better.

 

[MissingYou]

It's not selfish to wish you had a note or something. I didn't know your brother so I can't offer insight on why he specifically didn't write a note, but some common reasons I've heard (and to an extent experienced) are lack of energy, not knowing what to write and being too lost in apathy (not that he didn't care about you, but that he didn't have the capacity to think a letter mattered). Just know that it's most likely the case that the lack of note was due to an inability on his end somewhere, not due to you. I'm sorry for your loss and I really appreciate how you're approaching your brother's memory and the people here.

On the question of what desperation like this is like and why death. Personally there isn't some acute moment of change. I first wanted to die when I was 10 and by the time I was 11 or 12 it became constant. I don't really know how to describe it because I have no idea what it's like to not want to die at this point. I would often beg for anything to kill me. I guess I still do, but I'd like to think it's less dramatic now (I never did so where anyone would hear if I did it out loud at all). It's dread every time you wake up. It's every extra bad thing you do or that's done to you being confirmation that it would just be better to be done. It's wanting the world to be better off without you because then you're justified and you're allowed to just finally stop. It's days of overwhelming intense feelings and days of complete apathy that make it so moving to scratch an itch on your nose is too much effort. It's trying over and over again only to end up in a worse place. It's feeling guilty for not responding to people, but just not having the energy until you just haven't talked to a bunch of your friends for months. It's being terrified of having your autonomy taken away if anyone finds out. I don't know. I could reference a bunch more little snapshots, but in the end it's pain. Constant and always there and the only guaranteed way to make it stop is dying.

Thank you. I am deeply saddened and happy that this website exists. I've been lurking... to see if maybe my brother posted here and to see what he may have felt. What I've found is a community of people struggling... but struggling together. You can speak openly here and it's actually quite beautiful. I hope you have some amazing dreams tonight and even if tomorrow doesn't seem like it's worth waking up to, I hope something/ anything happens that makes you smile.

 

[Scythe]

Thank you for saying that. It's interesting, and I guess that's part of why I'm here, I couldn't see the signs. But your reply reminded me of a text from him. I asked what he was up to, he said just staring at the wall. I wanted to know if he was watching TV or playing games and he said just wasting time until he fell asleep. I wish, I would have just loved him a little more. Yes, I wish it would have kept him here but also... even if he couldn't stay, I'd have a little more time with him in my heart.


Question, do you believe in any kind of conscious after death?

THANK YOU! I have no clue if any of that was in his head but I do think you're onto something. I asked a friend of mine what the pics could possibly mean and he said maybe he was tripping on something. I don't think that my brother was and your answer probably fit way more. He lived in a studio apartment so maybe he was... documenting his life there... idk. But thank you anyway for your very thought out answer.

I believe there is something after, but I'm won't mind if there's nothing. Either way, I wouldn't have to face my problems here in society.
As for the phone and the pictures, you said your brother turned off the screen lock? So looks like he wanted you or someone else to find something he left on his phone. Perhaps check the notes app or the calender or his google docs. Maybe he hid something somewhere and the photos are the clues? then again, it could've been photos he took because he had nothing better to do. I apologize if you already done this, but I think there's a chance there is something more on that phone he left behind.

Also, I'm a bit curious how you found this website? Most people who lost someone find this website by looking through internet search history or perhaps saw an open tab, but it seems to be not the case for you.

 

[olearius]

I hope your wish that you had loved him more isn't taking the form of regret. One of the crueler realities of severe depression is that those who are depressed generally can't feel others' love for them. Sometimes love is completely undetectable, like a black cat hiding in the dark. Other times a depressed person realizes it's there, but the love reads as a painful level of neurological noise. Imagine having people repeatedly scream "I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU" in each of your ears until you curl up in a ball and cover your head with your arms.

None of that is your fault, obviously. You just may have already been loving him as loudly and as hard as he could possibly tolerate. More love would not have saved him, or potentially even felt nice.

As for keeping him in your heart, you can always do that. True, it's not the same. I've seen grief described as "love with nowhere to go," and it does suck ass that way. But it is still possible to love the part of your heart that he will always live in, and the parts of yourself that loving him changed for the better.

Your reply really resonated with me. Love is so painful for me, perhaps for different reasons than some. My alexithymia is so severe I have no emotional narrative and the trauma I experienced shut down any emotion or physical sensation that 'enabled' my abuse for a lack of a better word.

Somehow I was so fortunate to be married to someone who loves me as I am, truly, and is okay with the fact that I do not have more emotions. It's as if the volume on anything other than anger or pain is 0. And every day I can see how disconnected I am from everyone and I feel I am not reciprocating his love, and it hurts so damn bad because he's so genuinely good. He has loved me so hard and I just feel intense anger at myself for being so messed up I can't give that to him. And now it feels like I'm waiting to decide if living this way hurts more or less than ctb for him.

It's hard to see how connected people are, to recognize emotions and even fake it for them, but not feel them, not experience connection. And the love almost makes it more painful.

I have to imagine others lost in the end stages of depression and suicidality feel that same sense of disconnection and pain, even if it's from a different source or set of experiences.

 

[MissingYou]

I believe there is something after, but I'm won't mind if there's nothing. Either way, I wouldn't have to face my problems here in society.
As for the phone and the pictures, you said your brother turned off the screen lock? So looks like he wanted you or someone else to find something he left on his phone. Perhaps check the notes app or the calender or his google docs. Maybe he hid something somewhere and the photos are the clues? then again, it could've been photos he took because he had nothing better to do. I apologize if you already done this, but I think there's a chance there is something more on that phone he left behind.

Also, I'm a bit curious how you found this website? Most people who lost someone find this website by looking through internet search history or perhaps saw an open tab, but it seems to be not the case for you.

I searched through quite a bit on his phone. I was able to get into his Google password manager because of him deleting his phone lock. Unfortunately, my parents have the majority of what he left behind. I didn't find anything that points to the pictures having any relevance. The other weird thing, his apartment was broken into right after the police found him. (I live in another state and called for a well check after I couldn't reach him on his birthday). A neighbor called the cops and so all of his things were recovered. When we got his wallet back (I specifically wanted this because it was a Christmas gift from me to him 10 years ago) his debit cards and medical card were in there but no license. In all of his important paperwork, there was also no birth certificate or social security card.

Your reply really resonated with me. Love is so painful for me, perhaps for different reasons than some. My alexithymia is so severe I have no emotional narrative and the trauma I experienced shut down any emotion or physical sensation that 'enabled' my abuse for a lack of a better word.

Somehow I was so fortunate to be married to someone who loves me as I am, truly, and is okay with the fact that I do not have more emotions. It's as if the volume on anything other than anger or pain is 0. And every day I can see how disconnected I am from everyone and I feel I am not reciprocating his love, and it hurts so damn bad because he's so genuinely good. He has loved me so hard and I just feel intense anger at myself for being so messed up I can't give that to him. And now it feels like I'm waiting to decide if living this way hurts more or less than ctb for him.

It's hard to see how connected people are, to recognize emotions and even fake it for them, but not feel them, not experience connection. And the love almost makes it more painful.

I have to imagine others lost in the end stages of depression and suicidality feel that same sense of disconnection and pain, even if it's from a different source or set of experiences.

This is really interesting. I am not in your spouses shoes but I would bet money that they do feel quite a bit of love from you. It may not be very loud but it's about the little things. Idk, my brother saw a therapist for a while and they said he was clinically a sociopath. Where on that spectrum he fell, idk. But dammit, I knew he loved me. Since we lived in different states, we primary interacted through online games and phone calls. We'd play in groups with his friends and I was terrible while he was great. I can't tell you how many times he got left behind just to make sure that I got through a difficult part. The out of the blue texts ("If no one told you today how awesome you are, here's your reminder") and also in the fact that not one time did a text or call go unanswered. I often feel a lot of guilt over the fact that I stopped playing that particular game because a new single player in a series I love came out. We always think there's more time. There are lots of ways to show love and maybe... maybe... one of the ways you show yours speaks your spouses love language.

 

[bluebus]

Life can be hard man, I remember feeling the way you do now and it sucks. PMs are open if you need somewhere to vent.

Life can be a pain sometimes, you're right. I'm sorry that you can relate to this. I hope things have gotten better for you since. And thank you, I might tale you up on that.

 

[Deleted member 65988]

I was confused by the unsubscribed part until i realized what it meant. I'm sorry about everything the loss has brought upon your life.

 

[Jezzibell]

You need more posts to dm. It's about showing you are sincere and not a pro lifer intent on causing destruction.

I feel very strongly that people might tell you their reason, but ultimately we were not in your brothers mind.

To all the commentors, please be aware that we are being crippled at the moment in the media abd attacks on our site. Exercise discretion. OP has access to research her brothers post.