My brother just killed himself

[青い青い海となれ]

After all these past two years fantasising abt my ctb, after 4 month i also got the SN, suddenly without no signal my beloved brother killed himself bc of pressure at work, It's a week by now I'm crying all day im barely eating, i still want to die, more than ever i still want to kill myself, but now im feeling even worse bc i can feel what suffering i would have given to my parents, now it's like im waiting them to die first bc I don't want to shock them again
And now im in the same hopeless situation as before just worse, I'm only happy even if he never wanted it, even if it been suicide instigated by those bastards, im just happy he's at peace now even if i miss him every fk second of my "life"

 

[EternalShore]

I am so sorry :((( I wish I didn't have to be that way for you :( The world is truly insanely cruel to us all! >_<

 

[twatingthroughlife]

I am so sorry. This must be a difficult and conflicting situation to be in. I'm sending you all my good thoughts .

 

[Pidgeons_Sparrows]

my condolences, i dont know what else i could even say.

 

[mob]

I'm so sorry, that's truly devastating.

 

[deathxo]

So so so sorry for what has happened to you man.
Please don't take this the wrong way, but please try to eat, even if a little bit if you can!
Cannot imagine what you must be going through right now, but you're still here, no matter what you choose to do with your life later, you're still here with your parents through this difficult time.
I'm sorry for the dillema this must've put you in :(

 

[FuneralCry]

Rest in peace. At least those who are free cannot suffer anymore.

 

[iamsofkntired]

After all these past two years fantasising abt my ctb, after 4 month i also got the SN, suddenly without no signal my beloved brother killed himself bc of pressure at work, It's a week by now I'm crying all day im barely eating, i still want to die, more than ever i still want to kill myself, but now im feeling even worse bc i can feel what suffering i would have given to my parents, now it's like im waiting them to die first bc I don't want to shock them again
And now im in the same hopeless situation as before just worse, I'm only happy even if he never wanted it, even if it been suicide instigated by those bastards, im just happy he's at peace now even if i miss him every fk second of my "life"

Felt this !! When I lost him to suicide I went through and felt what my family and loved ones would feel after I'm gone , getting the stomach drop that he's not actually here , wondering where and how he is and just how much I miss him , I still want to ctb but knowing that my family will feel all of this gives me inane guilt

 

[moondazed]

After all these past two years fantasising abt my ctb, after 4 month i also got the SN, suddenly without no signal my beloved brother killed himself bc of pressure at work, It's a week by now I'm crying all day im barely eating, i still want to die, more than ever i still want to kill myself, but now im feeling even worse bc i can feel what suffering i would have given to my parents, now it's like im waiting them to die first bc I don't want to shock them again
And now im in the same hopeless situation as before just worse, I'm only happy even if he never wanted it, even if it been suicide instigated by those bastards, im just happy he's at peace now even if i miss him every fk second of my "life"

I am very sorry for your loss. It doesn't matter what anyone says, what you're feeling is real. And it hurts. So much.

I know this feeling all too well. My sister died when I was 16. A big part of why I'm still here is because the guilt I feel for my parents, and not wanting to bring about any more suffering. If you ever want to talk feel free to PM.

 

[ThisUnrest]

So very sorry for your losses and your terrible pain. @Astheworldcavesin @iamsofkntired @moondazed

 

[青い青い海となれ]

Felt this !! When I lost him to suicide I went through and felt what my family and loved ones would feel after I'm gone , getting the stomach drop that he's not actually here , wondering where and how he is and just how much I miss him , I still want to ctb but knowing that my family will feel all of this gives me inane guilt

you described it very well, that's a hell of a feeling, every time i think ,not abt him, but the fact the he will never come back or exist it's like vomiting my own soul

I am very sorry for your loss. It doesn't matter what anyone says, what you're feeling is real. And it hurts. So much.

I know this feeling all too well. My sister died when I was 16. A big part of why I'm still here is because the guilt I feel for my parents, and not wanting to bring about any more suffering. If you ever want to talk feel free to PM.

It's kinda relieving talking to someone who's suffering the same exact pain, ppl who comes and goes before at and after the funeral just drained my very least mental strength, they fk talk someone even preaching but no one knows how we feel
expect some dm from me in the next days

 

[wildflowers1996]

I wish I had something worth saying but I am so sorry

 

[moondazed]

ppl who comes and goes before at and after the funeral just drained my very least mental strength

That was really the worst. I barely even remember the funeral but I do remember people coming up to me and saying things and absolutely nothing was registered.

She was my only sibling, two years older than me, and would always be an emotional support for me. I often wonder what she we have been like an an adult. If she would have gotten better, off drugs, and made a good life for herself. Idk. We don't know if it was suicide. She was drunk and hitchhiking and got struck by two vehicles. It probably was, but i tend to fool myself and just believe it was an accident.

The worst part is when I meet new people and they ask me if I have any siblings. I never know how to answer, because "only children" tend to get a pretty bad wrap. But also dropping a trauma bomb on someone I just met in person isn't really my favorite thing to do. So I usually just say yes and don't elaborate.

Edit: Sorry if this is too much info or taking your limelight. Not my intention at all. Sometimes it all bleeds out without me realizing

 

[アホペンギン]

I wish I knew something to say... I'm sorry for your loss. It must be devastating losing someone so close to you and I hope you'll feel better soon, if possible.

 

[Tired33]

This was really sad to read about and I'm very sorry for your loss. I'm just hoping that things will turn around in the future for you in whatever way you eventually decide and that you and your family finds peace and maybe something forms from his memory. That's really cruel that it was work related and just shows how cruel people can be.

 

[Deleted member 65988]

I absolutely have nothing else I could say right now. This world is one fucked up dark place.

 

[AJwantsToGo]

My condolences, I'm sending you all love spiritually.

 

[suicidalgirl96]

I don't even have the words..I am so, so sorry. This is devastating. I'm so sorry.

 

[letmejoindeath]

Sorry for your loss. My brother will be fine without me probably. He just gaslights me like the rest of them.

 

[青い青い海となれ]

That was really the worst. I barely even remember the funeral but I do remember people coming up to me and saying things and absolutely nothing was registered.

She was my only sibling, two years older than me, and would always be an emotional support for me. I often wonder what she we have been like an an adult. If she would have gotten better, off drugs, and made a good life for herself. Idk. We don't know if it was suicide. She was drunk and hitchhiking and got struck by two vehicles. It probably was, but i tend to fool myself and just believe it was an accident.

The worst part is when I meet new people and they ask me if I have any siblings. I never know how to answer, because "only children" tend to get a pretty bad wrap. But also dropping a trauma bomb on someone I just met in person isn't really my favorite thing to do. So I usually just say yes and don't elaborate.

Edit: Sorry if this is too much info or taking your limelight. Not my intention at all. Sometimes it all bleeds out without me realizing

no don't worry I feel understood at least
I think your option is the best, in my point of view u shouldn't care abt trauma bombing others also bc others just curious abt and they probably don't even care

 

[hi-okbye]

i'm so so sorry for your loss. i understand how you feel i lost someone really fkn close to me recently. it absoloutly crushes your soul whenever you realize that they're never coming back. Rip to him i hope he found happiness. I get how it feels not to wanna put that pressure on your parents, it must be so hard for all of you in that situation. it'll always sting a little, but i hope for you to find at least some closure. we're all here if you ever need to talk to just let some emotions out. you can talk to me if you want. feel better :(

 

[waRmblanket]

i'm very sorry for your loss. words can't describe the pain from losing a loved one, im sorry. here for you always<3

 

[ForgottenAgain]

So very sorry for your loss, that is such a traumatic and conflicting situation to be in... I hope your brother found the relief he was looking for, even though it was work related and that is so hard to stomach.
Like others said, if you can, try to take care of yourself. Later on you may decide to ctb but for now you're dealing with so much that some compassion with yourself may be needed. Sending you a lot of good wishes. What you're going through must be so insanely difficult, I can't even imagine... Take care as best as you can, my deepest condolences