Help My brother is getting married.

[coinflip]

tl;dr: Do I bail on the wedding? Attend? CTB early? I'm no-contact with my mom but he's not.

Feel like that's a weird title, I know. At first I was happy for him. A day or two later, the implications hit me: he's going to have a wedding. He's going to want me to be there. He's going to want me to be in his wedding party. He might even want me to be his best man (probably not, but maybe).

I think about ending it every day. I have a gun, which I bought for that specific purpose. But for a while I haven't been thinking I was actually going to go through with it immediately. I'm just taking it one day at a time. Hanging out with people, spending money on things I never let myself spend money on, etc. If I hit my limits, either financially or emotionally, I'll pull the trigger. But for a few months or years, I'll try to squeeze whatever hollow enjoyment I can out of this life.

Several months ago I cut my mom and her entire side of the family off. My brother still talks to them, and has a good enough relationship with them. He kind of pushed for a while for me to at least connect with the extended family if not my mom, but he hasn't really pressed the issue after I refused.

I don't want to have to see any of them any more. I don't even feel wronged by them other than my mom, I just never felt comfortable around them. I'm just trying to do exactly what I want to and nothing more until I die. I'm bad. I should want to connect with people more, but I don't. Most of the people I've felt comfortable around are out of my life now.

It's been manageable up until now to only interact with my brother and my dad's side of the family, but obviously my brother's wedding is something that everyone will attend. Attending any sort of wedding right now sounds absolutely miserable to me but I could probably bear it for him if my mom and her side of the family wouldn't be there.

Counting him as one of the casualties with cutting off that half of the family will probably complicate my relation to the other half that I still have remaining. I've already decided that I can't do another Christmas with them anyways, so maybe this will just be a nice clean break ahead of time so I don't have to deal with it head on it December. But I didn't think ahead this far to realize it would have to come to this. And I'm worried that going no contact with everyone will cause them to band together and/or take more drastic measures to reach out to me.

This sounds like the shit I should talk to a therapist about. I was going to therapy for a while but I hit a roadblock because I obviously had to lie about my suicidal thoughts and plans. The only thing worse than my current situation would be if they force me into a mental health institution that puts me in a ton of debt. I don't have anyone who understands me anymore and that I can trust, so I'm here. Should I just end it all early? Bail and him and the rest of my family?

 

[Traveller12724]

tl;dr: Do I bail on the wedding? Attend? CTB early? I'm no-contact with my mom but he's not.

Feel like that's a weird title, I know. At first I was happy for him. A day or two later, the implications hit me: he's going to have a wedding. He's going to want me to be there. He's going to want me to be in his wedding party. He might even want me to be his best man (probably not, but maybe).

I think about ending it every day. I have a gun, which I bought for that specific purpose. But for a while I haven't been thinking I was actually going to go through with it immediately. I'm just taking it one day at a time. Hanging out with people, spending money on things I never let myself spend money on, etc. If I hit my limits, either financially or emotionally, I'll pull the trigger. But for a few months or years, I'll try to squeeze whatever hollow enjoyment I can out of this life.

Several months ago I cut my mom and her entire side of the family off. My brother still talks to them, and has a good enough relationship with them. He kind of pushed for a while for me to at least connect with the extended family if not my mom, but he hasn't really pressed the issue after I refused.

I don't want to have to see any of them any more. I don't even feel wronged by them other than my mom, I just never felt comfortable around them. I'm just trying to do exactly what I want to and nothing more until I die. I'm bad. I should want to connect with people more, but I don't. Most of the people I've felt comfortable around are out of my life now.

It's been manageable up until now to only interact with my brother and my dad's side of the family, but obviously my brother's wedding is something that everyone will attend. Attending any sort of wedding right now sounds absolutely miserable to me but I could probably bear it for him if my mom and her side of the family wouldn't be there.

Counting him as one of the casualties with cutting off that half of the family will probably complicate my relation to the other half that I still have remaining. I've already decided that I can't do another Christmas with them anyways, so maybe this will just be a nice clean break ahead of time so I don't have to deal with it head on it December. But I didn't think ahead this far to realize it would have to come to this. And I'm worried that going no contact with everyone will cause them to band together and/or take more drastic measures to reach out to me.

This sounds like the shit I should talk to a therapist about. I was going to therapy for a while but I hit a roadblock because I obviously had to lie about my suicidal thoughts and plans. The only thing worse than my current situation would be if they force me into a mental health institution that puts me in a ton of debt. I don't have anyone who understands me anymore and that I can trust, so I'm here. Should I just end it all early? Bail and him and the rest of my family?

Don't let the wedding accelerate your plans unnecessarily, this is probably not the best of ideas but you could attend and just drink enough alcohol to tolerate the whole thing, you don't have to be completely sober at the wedding, just attend and use alcohol to numb yourself out and just ignore that half of the family.

 

[todiefor]

It sounds like an excruciating experience I'm sorry. I do think it will be nice to do all of that for your brother, I would think it's a nice thing to do for your family and give them that as a good memory , but yeah it's a very individual thing no one can really judge you, only u know what would be best

 

[coinflip]

I have experience with something like this. I waited years through multiple weddings, pregnancies, and various health complications for friends and family members - and am now finally reaching a good point to step off. It sucked ass waiting for so long, but I do have to admit that it does feel good having done that for my friends and family, even if they will never realize that I did anything at all.

I don't know enough about your situation to claim whether or not I would live through whatever is making you want to kill yourself, but I would say attend the wedding if it's not too far away. Ignore your mom and her family if you don't want to talk to them. Just being there at all will mean the world to him.

I could do that but I just don't see a circumstance where they would ignore me. Then I feel like I'm bringing drama to his wedding day.

Don't let the wedding accelerate your plans unnecessarily, this is probably not the best of ideas but you could attend and just drink enough alcohol to tolerate the whole thing, you don't have to be completely sober at the wedding, just attend and use alcohol to numb yourself out and just ignore that half of the family.

Oh believe, if I attend I will be drinking lol. But I can't just entirely ignore them because I feel like they'll be actively trying to talk to me. I mean I could but it might cause more drama.