My brain rejects what's good for it

[derpyderpins]

On paper, things are going well for me lately, although I'm having to work pretty long hours. I'm succeeding in my career and have a great woman.

But talking with my shrink yesterday, she looked on me with such pity when she told me a was strong for dealing with my stress and I responded that after all this time from my actively suicidal days, someone giving me a general compliment like that (or "you're smart," "you're sweet," etc) just makes my heart sink in my chest and makes me feel awful. I don't believe it. I can't see myself in a good light.

I'm having so many depraved thoughts, drifting back into limerant feelings for broken women I've crushed on in the past. The healthy, pure love I'm getting at home is deflating me just like a compliment. I crave impure acts.

I guess I'm wondering if my wiring can ever really be fixed. I'm stable, but will I always be broken? It's like I'm a coffee mug that shattered on the floor, and been put back together with meds glue and tape, but a little drip keeps leaking, and every time that leak is clogged a new one shows up in another crack.

 

[willitpass]

"How can I ever start a garden
Because apparently
I want to destroy everything beautiful in my life
Apparently
I want to rip apart flower petals
I want to step on roses
I want to tear apart dandelions
And rip everything up from the roots
The second a flower blooms within me I deprive of light and water and watch it wilt
Why can't I let the beauty in my life flourish"
-Eyes by Ethan Jewell