My brain is telling me to go to the hospital but I can't stand the thought of being put on antidepressants again

[mcf87]

I have been hovering beside a tank of helium and an exit bag WAITING, PRAYING for one final reason to do it for the past 3 days. The love of my life left me last friday and I have been waiting for her to send a message to me saying something like she doesn't want to talk again, that is what would set me over the edge. She was my best friend and partner and she validated my existence, my entire future was built on her.
I know that I should go to the hospital but they will just make me take antidepressants, which will make me numb and fat and completely destroy my sex drive AGAIN. I have spent the last year recovering from antidepressants, I quit drinking, smoking, lost 50lbs. My reaction is to go right back to drinking and smoking because that seems to work for me as far as coping goes, but I can't do that either. I don't know what the hell to do. I'm too much of a p*ssy to just get it over with I need one final reason

 

[Sulyya]

At crossroads it sounds like..

By go to the hospital, do you mean like check in for a few weeks or whatever under watch in psych ward? I've never thought about this but can you be checked in but without meds, if you insist it's better that way?

 

[mcf87]

At crossroads it sounds like..

By go to the hospital, do you mean like check in for a few weeks or whatever under watch in psych ward? I've never thought about this but can you be checked in but without meds, if you insist it's better that way?

I mean just going to the psyche ward basically. I had to do it once 6 or so years ago because otherwise I would have kms. They have to give you medication if you're at high risk. Idk if being strung out and numb and all the other side effects of antidepressants for probably years again is worth it. I've worked so hard to reverse what it did to me last time. Sure the medicine makes you stop feeling bad, but it also makes you stop feeling all together, you're just numb. What's the point of existence like that?

 

[Sulyya]

I mean just going to the psyche ward basically. I had to do it once 6 or so years ago because otherwise I would have kms. They have to give you medication if you're at high risk. Idk if being strung out and numb and all the other side effects of antidepressants for probably years again is worth it. I've worked so hard to reverse what it did to me last time. Sure the medicine makes you stop feeling bad, but it also makes you stop feeling all together, you're just numb. What's the point of existence like that?

I'm surprised (or maybe not) that there aren't any milder ones which don't sap all the person's motivation away. If you can take them but still keep yourself active, and be able to focus, like reading or something. There can be pleasure to be taken from life but not sure if the meds they use allow that. Don't know much about them, I'm afraid.

 

[Scythe]

Therapy? That can be an option, or wait one month and try to make up with your lover if you didn't fuck up too badly. I also agree with the person above, hobbies are nice but motivation is a bit of a pain sometimes, so maybe adrenaline drinks can help with that. (Don't abuse adrenaline drinks, they got bad side effects too) Seems like anti-depressants got as many side effects as drugs for you...so...might as well just start drinking again. At least the long term effects of alcohol and nicotine take longer to activate depending on your dose. There's also the option of using another kind of anti-depressants with hopefully less side effects.

 

[guayabas]

please disregard if this isn't useful, but it took me a long time to find the right meds. I have a bad reaction to a lot of meds, I had to try several before I found something that didn't have bad side effects and helped me. I've never been institutionalized so idk how they are there, but with my psychiatrists I've been able to tell them this gave me bad side effects, what else do you have? There are meds for depression that aren't SSRIs (I think those are the ones that typically decrease sex drive and cause weight gain?). I take wellbutrin and it's been a life saver for me. Life circumstances have kinda cancelled that out atm, but it's kept me stable the past 10yrs. It might be worth it to seek psych help outside of being institutionalized and try some different meds until you find one that's more ideal for you <3 good luck

 

[WorthlessCoward]

I wish I had a tank of helium and exit bag, lucky you

 

[FuneralCry]

Sounds like a difficult situation to be in, I guess that after all only you can decide what is best. But at least you aren't trapped here as you have the exit bag right there, you have the choice, I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[nosoul]

I mean just going to the psyche ward basically. I had to do it once 6 or so years ago because otherwise I would have kms. They have to give you medication if you're at high risk. Idk if being strung out and numb and all the other side effects of antidepressants for probably years again is worth it. I've worked so hard to reverse what it did to me last time. Sure the medicine makes you stop feeling bad, but it also makes you stop feeling all together, you're just numb. What's the point of existence like that?

I took psych medicine yesterday and it was awful, I know what u mean, crazy but I would rather ctb then to get put away again.