My bpd is too much to handle, I give up

[IC4U]

For years I've been struggling with bipolar type 2. It's affected my whole life. I was on a ssri for a while and for months it was like I was on top of the world. I was doing so good, only for it to all go down the drain because turns out those meds just stopped working and I crashed out. It's affected my job, relationships, family, friends, personal health. Everything.

I have so much more potential than this, I know I'm better than this. All I wanted to do was have a good impact on people. I feel that the best way to do that now is to ctb before I have the chance to hurt someone again during a hypomanic episode. It's so exhausting living like this everyday. In some countries MAiD is legal for people with bipolar disorder and I hope one day it will be available in the US.

I was in the mental hospital for a bit last month and they put me on a mood stabilizer. It's helped but now I'm 6k in debt on top of other things. I can't even work my old job anymore and I'm making pennies compared to what I used to make.

I believe in God, but I wonder why He would make me this way. I pray, asking Him to kill me. I wish I died in my attempt last month, because at least if I died then I wouldn't leave my family with this debt. But I just can't do this anymore. I was gonna use sn or n2o, a peaceful method but I can't wait for that so I think tomorrow I'm gonna use a train.

I hope that my loved ones find peace, and that I do as well. I love them so much.

 

[tonicer]

I'm gonna use a train.

How exactly? I always thought about letting a train decapitate me but the mess must be terrific and i don't want to traumatize someone else.

Also you have loved ones? Your parents i presume? Don't die before they die. Just wait a while longer, things might even out a bit. This year is a special year of change, i can feel it.

 

[whywere]

I have had BPD all my 69 years and YES, it is hell!

HOWEVER, I have so many friends on here that make it worthwhile and also, I just have learned to cope and handle it the best that I can, BUT I be darned if it will ever get me, too darn stubborn, I guess!

Also, PLEASE, rethink the train aspect, as try and think of the poor person running the train and ALL the horrible mental aspects and memories that something of the nature that you are thinking about will bring to him/her.

I am 100% pro-choice in everything in life, however it, at least in my thinking, should NOT involve and HURT someone else needlessly.

Walter