Discussion My boyfriend tried to kill me

[botanormal]

Hello! Wow, I haven't visited here in quite some time. It's been about a year since I frequently visited this site, and life has changed a lot since back then. I still feel suicidal to a degree, but I have no plans on killing myself anytime soon.

Back when I was extremely suicidal, with too much SI & fear to go through with the act, I just wished & begged somebody would just kill me. I always thought 'man, if somebody just did it for me, it'd all be okay, I'd be able to go free.' Even if I'm not as suicidal as I was, I did still think if somebody were to kill me I wouldn't care all that much, at least I could leave without the guilt of it being my fault. But then it happened. Somebody did try to kill me. (I'll put my experience in spoiler tags as it is long.)

Spoiler: Lead up to the event

My boyfriend (now ex boyfriend obviously) had always been controlling. He stopped me from talking to certain people, watching certain things, speaking in certain ways. He laid out 'rules' for me to follow, and I obeyed. My emotions are nullified drastically since I started my meds about 9 months ago, and so whenever he would hurt me in some way I would just take it. He never physically harmed me until one night when he was extremely angry, he slapped me & pinned me down by my throat because we were arguing. It was awful but he promised, he promised on everything he wouldn't do it again. I believed him. Ever since then he did get more physical when we argued. It wasn't ever a full on hit though, so I thought not much of it. Until yesterday.

We were sleeping with each other & fighting in our sleep like always. It's nothing extreme, just fighting for the blankets with a little tug of war, or something like that. He pushed me away and started hugging the pillow instead, so I put my pillow as a barricade between us - a little petty but I told him I was upset & he didn't care, so I didn't wanna feel his touch anymore for the night. He kept knocking it and I kept putting it back, eventually he just started smacking me with it & I kept pushing it back - until finally he picked it up & started smothering me with it. He let go eventually & I just rolled back over and played on my phone for a bit.

There's this mobile game I like to play, it's one of those generic 'do this, grow your stats' type things but I mainly use it to play with my friends - my female friends which he approved of. In the game there's an option to have a 'relationship' - it's not a genuine relationship and usually people do it with friends, or even just random people so that they can get their stats boosted. I did that. I told him, I'm gonna add this guy (he always got mad when I added guys without permission) and rs him so that I can get extra stats. I wasn't going to talk to this person, for all I knew it was a girl, but no matter what I didn't care because I never even interacted with them.

My boyfriend got VERY angry. He snatched my phone away from me and said 'WHAT?' and started venting angrily, saying all sorts. I tried to explain and he just screamed angrily in my face, and stole my phone, and told me I wasn't allowed to have it back. I tried to get it back, but everytime he would push me down. Then eventually he pushed me back & sat on me, trying to go through my phone. I tried to kick him off of me and then he slap/punched me (it was sort of a half fist) and knocked me over on the bed, and started going through my stuff again. I tried to reach again but he bit me & pushed me down, and then started to choke me. I was terrified, so I stopped trying to get my phone back and tried to get away from him. I ran for the door but he dragged me back & pinned me down again, holding me by my neck, choking me.

Spoiler: What happened

He sat on top of me and tightened his wrists, choking away. As someone who used to practice hanging, he was doing the carotid artery choke, I recognised the feeling right away. I very quickly felt myself losing vision, I knew what was happening, and I was terrified. I wriggled around as best I could, kicking and screaming as loud as I could, 'HELP ME, PLEASE HELP HELP!'
He let go and I tried to run to the door again, he pulled me back & I screamed more. He covered my mouth & my nose and told me to shut up, he told me I wasn't allowed to leave. I bit his hand & he moved it back to my neck, and choked me more. His face was the scariest thing. He was so, so angry, even as I looked up at him with tears & screams of terror, he just wouldn't stop. I don't think I'll ever be able to forget his face. I started to think... 'is this the last face I'm going to see?' and that thought was terrifying. Even if I wanted to die, I don't want to be killed so horribly, I don't want to feel so much terror as I die. The pain of doing it myself is so much better than the terror I felt then. With my last breaths I just screamed one last time. My voice was all raspy & I couldn't even really hear myself.
I lost consciousness for a few seconds maybe (I don't think it was long but I also don't remember, being unconscious & all lol), and woke up to the sound of loud banging at my door. A loud man's voice was calling out to open up right now, and my boyfriend looked shocked & jumped off of me. I screamed as much as I could, 'help help help please please help me!' until my bf was forced to go open the door. I wobbly stood up & went to go put on a shirt (I was butt ass naked) & met my neighbours at the door who were about to call the police. I told them what he did & begged they didn't let him back in.
I ran back inside to call my sister & cried for her help, and she ran over as fast as possible (she lives about 15 minutes away but she got there in about 5). She's stronger than I am (& him too honestly) & firm so she got him away from me. She said we should call the police but as he isn't from my country originally (he was visiting me) he would probably get deported (so I thought) and I didn't want to get him into such trouble like that. My sister hugged me & helped me clean up the mess in my room & my bloody nose from where he punch-slapped me, and well - now here I am about 32 hours later with marks around my neck, a bruised up nose, and a new form of trauma... yay!

Spoiler: My afterthoughts

I just wanted to post this here because well, if my walls weren't as thin as they were & my neighbours weren't home, I think he would've actually killed me. He only snapped out of his rage when he heard the door. Even as I lost consciousness for a moment he was still going. It seriously felt like it was my end, and in the last moment I somewhat accepted that this was it, this was where I was dying. Previously I successfully managed to pass out with partial suspension (which failed as my noose came loose from where I had tied it) and it just got me thinking... boy how wrong I was. Suicide is so much more peaceful. Regardless of the pain, the SI, all those obstacles... I would go through that 100 times & fail and still refuse to be killed like that! Thinking back to how I would think 'even if I was kidnapped & tortured first, I'd die and I'd be free!' ...I thought I was okay because I wanted to die, because I wouldn't care for the pain. But it was just the terror. I still can't shake his face from my vision, his angry & unmoving face so close to mine, pinning me down & choking me as I was completely powerless. It just reminded me of how weak I am in general. I was small & weak as a child when I endured my traumas, but I thought it was different as an adult, yet here I am, equally as powerless to my own fate. This is such a cruel world. This is what I deserved for letting him hurt me before. And the aftermath has been even more painful in a way, I partially wish he did succeed in killing me. As I lied to my family, telling them he was kind & would never hurt me, even though he had done before... and now everybody knows this, I seem so foolish. And I still love him too, which is the worst part! I'm glad I have a strong sister, because I would've forgave him & moved on if I were alone, I would've forgiven him & let him do worse things. He's gone now, he booked the first flight back to his country, even after we were trying to get his visa for here, it's just... all useless now.

Anyways, my real query is this: would you prefer that somebody killed you, through any means necessary, rather than having to do it yourself? It's easier to imagine, no SI, no guilt... but all that pain & emotional torment, after experiencing that I can say for myself I'd rather kill myself 100 times before I was able to die, than to experience my death in such a scary position. What about you?

 

[Of The Universe]

What country did he go back to?

 

[dreadpirateroberts69]

That sounds horrific and I'm so, so sorry you had to go through that. I am glad you're safe now and that he's gone. I have had that same thought cross my mind too, that if I were murdered at least I wouldn't have to kill myself and be responsible for hurting my family like that. But my family would be just as traumatized if I were murdered, just in a different way, and as you described, dying in terror like that would not be worth it when compared to ctb. I hope you stay safe and be kind to yourself.

 

[Deleted member 8975]

I'm so sorry you went through all of this that's a nightmare from someone you love.

To answer your question…I have been in life and death situations before with family members…and tbh I wish I had let them kill me.

 

[Gsvko]

Sounds horrible, really sorry that happened to you. Glad you have your sister by your side. Hugs.
I honestly just want to die so much that it doesn't matter. I know how it feels, when you're powerless under someone who wants you dead. The rage and all. I wouldn't go provoke and would still def try to defend, but wouldn't mind losing if I gave it my best.
Thanks for sharing.

 

[Cats26]

That is really horrible and I am deeply sorry this has happened to you. Sending you hugs and love.
I do not think I would be able to let someone else kill me, I would much rather do it myself. I have thought before that it would be easier to just be killed, but my ex-girlfriend threatened to kill me a couple times and although I was suicidal, I was scared of that happening. I don't think I would like the feeling of not being in control. I want to be able to control how my life ends and when.

 

[Kristicide]

Wow. Thank you for sharing. That is terrifying. Personally I don't want to die in a very violent manner by someone else. I can only think maybe if I was shot in the head and died instantly bc I wouldn't even know what happened. But otherwise I plan on doing it myself unless fate has other plans - like I get hit by a car tomorrow or something.
I hope you are in a safe place now and out of the abusive relationship.

 

[SuicidallyCurious]

Always be careful of men who try to control women like this. If a man does this it shows he's a loser because he knows there's a big mismatch between him and the woman he's got

 

[Sherri]

I hope you safe and sound sweetie, never let a men control you, if he does that once he will gradually do it til it may even reaches physical abuse. A big hug. Anything I'm here if you wanna talk ok? Im so sorry you had to go through that . :(

 

[whatevs]

Yeah, if I was convinced of the convenience of dying I'd love for someone to shoot me in the head with a proper firearm.

Of course that nobody wants to be choked to death by an abusive partner. That must been horribly scary.

 

[albino_elk]

you r strong. the worst feeling is when your loved one chokes you.after that its really hard to believe in humans again,the trauma sets in. bhhh. at least you are free of him rn.

 

[botanormal]

Thank you all for responding to me. The version of me in the present thinks to myself 'if I had died then & there, it might have been a lot better'... but when it was all happening, I had never felt more weak, scared & alone. Being able to at least say goodbye first with suicide was comforting, whenever I attempted I imagined the beautiful field with the pretty flowers, and going to visit all of the lost souls I once knew, and are yet to know. But in the moment with him all I felt was terror, there was nothing peaceful there, just the thought of... 'the person I love, the person that I let in despite everything, is the one who is hurting me more than anybody else, the man who is mercilessly on top of me filled with rage & about to kill me.' Me in the present doesn't feel that kind of terror, so anything I'm thinking now, I still would listen to my heart back then. And I fought with everything in my little body to get him away, despite everything. That's just how I feel - I see the POV of everyone who thinks differently too, because I used to feel the exact same. I guess the feeling of being completely powerless to your own fate... not for me!

Hugs & love to everybody, please take good care of yourselves like you've done for me with your kindness.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds so horrible and terrifying what you went through. For me personally, of course I would rather ctb, I want to die at a time of my own choosing, when the time is right for me as after all it is my life and my decision. I'm sorry you had to go through all that. I wish you the best.

 

[LONE WOLF.]

@botanormal, l hope you're ok now! I really think You should report that asshole to the police, make a statement and have him arrested for attempted murder, and go through with it the whole way to court! Men like that should spend the rest of their lives rotting in jail! Their nothing but Shit on the pavement! At least get a restraining order on the Sewer Rat! Please be Safe

 

[Life sucks]

I'm sorry, this is very cruel. I hope you are safe now.

In fact, your story proves that it's better to ctb than the harmful interactions that could end someone's life. Humans and the species shouldn't be trusted with the matters of life and death and it should be for oneself only to decide whether they want to live or die.

Infinite love and hugs for you

 

[AndrewWood'sDeath]

I am so sorry and glad you got out of this alive. I really hope you can let go of the though this is somehow your fault for letting him hurt you earlier. This world really is cruel I hope you can find some safety and comfort in it soon.

 

[sssaudade]

I'm so, so, so sorry this happened to you. Save a few of the smaller details, the same thing happened to me five months ago after a lifetime of intense, constant suicidal ideation and I'm still very fucked up about it. My neighbors had to call the police twice. I don't think I would have survived if they hadn't shown up when they did. I used to wish someone would save me the trouble and kill me but now I know I would rather ctb, even unpleasantly, a thousand times over than die with someone's hands around my throat.

Having the person closest to you try to strangle you to death is such an unreal feeling. Confusing and terrifying. I remember blacking out to the sight of my boyfriend's angry face, too. The last thing I thought as everything dimmed was, "So, this is it," with a sad sense that I was about to become another tally in the endless ledger of women murdered by their male partners and exes. But then the police came. And here we are today.

I am the least "woo"/supernatural-believing person alive and I swear on everything in the world that my consciousness (whatever this could possibly mean; I don't believe in spirits or souls but it was definitely "me") absolutely, positively, beyond a shadow of a doubt left my body during the assault. It stood back a bit, close but not too close, with fully upright vision at my height even though my body was supine, and it waited. My mind felt jerked out of my physical self like it was on a chain, totally separate from my body. That experience didn't change my mind about wanting to ctb - if anything, I want to die even more now because I feel overwhelmingly traumatized and have no one to turn to for help - but it sort of did my head in, in other ways.

All of this is just to say that you are not alone. I come to this site a lot, have for years, but this is my first comment. I'm so glad you got away. Please be gentle with yourself. I hope you can find some peace.

 

[botanormal]

I am really appreciative of all the love & kindness I have received on this thread. It's been a rough couple of days & the more I'm left with my thoughts the more I feel like I am overreacting. Which I shouldn't be. It was horrifying, it was real, and if it happened to anybody else I'd respond with the same kindness I have been given here. But reading your words means more than anything right now, just to have such reassurance. Most of my friends were his friends too, and so I can't ask them for comfort in this situation, and the more I read his messages of apologies & excuses, the more I start to feel awful for kicking him out. It's hard to stay strong when I am so weak, but reading your replies makes me feel more able to say no, so thank you. Thank you all so much, please take my warmth in this virtual hug & know you did something truly wonderful today, and eased somebody's heart with your sweetness!

I'm so, so, so sorry this happened to you. Save a few of the smaller details, the same thing happened to me five months ago after a lifetime of intense, constant suicidal ideation and I'm still very fucked up about it. My neighbors had to call the police twice. I don't think I would have survived if they hadn't shown up when they did. I used to wish someone would save me the trouble and kill me but now I know I would rather ctb, even unpleasantly, a thousand times over than die with someone's hands around my throat.

Having the person closest to you try to strangle you to death is such an unreal feeling. Confusing and terrifying. I remember blacking out to the sight of my boyfriend's angry face, too. The last thing I thought as everything dimmed was, "So, this is it," with a sad sense that I was about to become another tally in the endless ledger of women murdered by their male partners and exes. But then the police came. And here we are today.

I am the least "woo"/supernatural-believing person alive and I swear on everything in the world that my consciousness (whatever this could possibly mean; I don't believe in spirits or souls but it was definitely "me") absolutely, positively, beyond a shadow of a doubt left my body during the assault. It stood back a bit, close but not too close, with fully upright vision at my height even though my body was supine, and it waited. My mind felt jerked out of my physical self like it was on a chain, totally separate from my body. That experience didn't change my mind about wanting to ctb - if anything, I want to die even more now because I feel overwhelmingly traumatized and have no one to turn to for help - but it sort of did my head in, in other ways.

All of this is just to say that you are not alone. I come to this site a lot, have for years, but this is my first comment. I'm so glad you got away. Please be gentle with yourself. I hope you can find some peace.

I am extremely appreciative that you shared your story too. It's so similar to mine, which makes me so sad to know how common this is, but it also makes me feel so much less guilty & confused. I tried my best to remain calm after my sister sat with me for a bit, so that I wouldn't cause too much worry, but now that I've sat with this experience for a bit longer I know that it isn't going to be easily forgotten. The thought of even being alone with another person seems so scary now, even my older sister who is caring & loving, I'm nervous to be alone with because she's stronger than me, and now it feels as though even the people I love the most can become my aggressors. Which is an awful thought, but I just can't shake this horrible, overwhelming fear. I hope it will go away with time, and these wounds for us both will get easier. I hope you find peace also & your message means more to me than you will ever know, so thank you, from the bottom of my heart. Big hugs to you.

 

[summers]

@botanormal, l hope you're ok now! I really think You should report that asshole to the police, make a statement and have him arrested for attempted murder, and go through with it the whole way to court! Men like that should spend the rest of their lives rotting in jail! Their nothing but Shit on the pavement! At least get a restraining order on the Sewer Rat! Please be Safe

He won't be in jail for more than a couple hours. Restraining orders don't mean shit. To me, they're like red lights. Sure, you're supposed to stop, but people run them all the time.

@botanormal get him deported.

 

[TheMeanGuy]

I'd rather kill myself because that confirms I really wanted it to happen. It also means that I have prepared everything I needed to do in life before I exit. No loose ends, notes made, etc. Murder only means the people who kill you get their satisfaction or whatever they wanted, you die in truly suffering and humiliated and potentially they could get away with it or get off with a light sentence. Nobody has the right to dictate when somebody else dies.

I'm glad you're away from him and that you recovered a bit. Stay safe out there.

 

[Midgardsorm]

Hello! Wow, I haven't visited here in quite some time. It's been about a year since I frequently visited this site, and life has changed a lot since back then. I still feel suicidal to a degree, but I have no plans on killing myself anytime soon.

Back when I was extremely suicidal, with too much SI & fear to go through with the act, I just wished & begged somebody would just kill me. I always thought 'man, if somebody just did it for me, it'd all be okay, I'd be able to go free.' Even if I'm not as suicidal as I was, I did still think if somebody were to kill me I wouldn't care all that much, at least I could leave without the guilt of it being my fault. But then it happened. Somebody did try to kill me. (I'll put my experience in spoiler tags as it is long.)

Spoiler: Lead up to the event

My boyfriend (now ex boyfriend obviously) had always been controlling. He stopped me from talking to certain people, watching certain things, speaking in certain ways. He laid out 'rules' for me to follow, and I obeyed. My emotions are nullified drastically since I started my meds about 9 months ago, and so whenever he would hurt me in some way I would just take it. He never physically harmed me until one night when he was extremely angry, he slapped me & pinned me down by my throat because we were arguing. It was awful but he promised, he promised on everything he wouldn't do it again. I believed him. Ever since then he did get more physical when we argued. It wasn't ever a full on hit though, so I thought not much of it. Until yesterday.

We were sleeping with each other & fighting in our sleep like always. It's nothing extreme, just fighting for the blankets with a little tug of war, or something like that. He pushed me away and started hugging the pillow instead, so I put my pillow as a barricade between us - a little petty but I told him I was upset & he didn't care, so I didn't wanna feel his touch anymore for the night. He kept knocking it and I kept putting it back, eventually he just started smacking me with it & I kept pushing it back - until finally he picked it up & started smothering me with it. He let go eventually & I just rolled back over and played on my phone for a bit.

There's this mobile game I like to play, it's one of those generic 'do this, grow your stats' type things but I mainly use it to play with my friends - my female friends which he approved of. In the game there's an option to have a 'relationship' - it's not a genuine relationship and usually people do it with friends, or even just random people so that they can get their stats boosted. I did that. I told him, I'm gonna add this guy (he always got mad when I added guys without permission) and rs him so that I can get extra stats. I wasn't going to talk to this person, for all I knew it was a girl, but no matter what I didn't care because I never even interacted with them.

My boyfriend got VERY angry. He snatched my phone away from me and said 'WHAT?' and started venting angrily, saying all sorts. I tried to explain and he just screamed angrily in my face, and stole my phone, and told me I wasn't allowed to have it back. I tried to get it back, but everytime he would push me down. Then eventually he pushed me back & sat on me, trying to go through my phone. I tried to kick him off of me and then he slap/punched me (it was sort of a half fist) and knocked me over on the bed, and started going through my stuff again. I tried to reach again but he bit me & pushed me down, and then started to choke me. I was terrified, so I stopped trying to get my phone back and tried to get away from him. I ran for the door but he dragged me back & pinned me down again, holding me by my neck, choking me.

Spoiler: What happened

He sat on top of me and tightened his wrists, choking away. As someone who used to practice hanging, he was doing the carotid artery choke, I recognised the feeling right away. I very quickly felt myself losing vision, I knew what was happening, and I was terrified. I wriggled around as best I could, kicking and screaming as loud as I could, 'HELP ME, PLEASE HELP HELP!'
He let go and I tried to run to the door again, he pulled me back & I screamed more. He covered my mouth & my nose and told me to shut up, he told me I wasn't allowed to leave. I bit his hand & he moved it back to my neck, and choked me more. His face was the scariest thing. He was so, so angry, even as I looked up at him with tears & screams of terror, he just wouldn't stop. I don't think I'll ever be able to forget his face. I started to think... 'is this the last face I'm going to see?' and that thought was terrifying. Even if I wanted to die, I don't want to be killed so horribly, I don't want to feel so much terror as I die. The pain of doing it myself is so much better than the terror I felt then. With my last breaths I just screamed one last time. My voice was all raspy & I couldn't even really hear myself.
I lost consciousness for a few seconds maybe (I don't think it was long but I also don't remember, being unconscious & all lol), and woke up to the sound of loud banging at my door. A loud man's voice was calling out to open up right now, and my boyfriend looked shocked & jumped off of me. I screamed as much as I could, 'help help help please please help me!' until my bf was forced to go open the door. I wobbly stood up & went to go put on a shirt (I was butt ass naked) & met my neighbours at the door who were about to call the police. I told them what he did & begged they didn't let him back in.
I ran back inside to call my sister & cried for her help, and she ran over as fast as possible (she lives about 15 minutes away but she got there in about 5). She's stronger than I am (& him too honestly) & firm so she got him away from me. She said we should call the police but as he isn't from my country originally (he was visiting me) he would probably get deported (so I thought) and I didn't want to get him into such trouble like that. My sister hugged me & helped me clean up the mess in my room & my bloody nose from where he punch-slapped me, and well - now here I am about 32 hours later with marks around my neck, a bruised up nose, and a new form of trauma... yay!

Spoiler: My afterthoughts

I just wanted to post this here because well, if my walls weren't as thin as they were & my neighbours weren't home, I think he would've actually killed me. He only snapped out of his rage when he heard the door. Even as I lost consciousness for a moment he was still going. It seriously felt like it was my end, and in the last moment I somewhat accepted that this was it, this was where I was dying. Previously I successfully managed to pass out with partial suspension (which failed as my noose came loose from where I had tied it) and it just got me thinking... boy how wrong I was. Suicide is so much more peaceful. Regardless of the pain, the SI, all those obstacles... I would go through that 100 times & fail and still refuse to be killed like that! Thinking back to how I would think 'even if I was kidnapped & tortured first, I'd die and I'd be free!' ...I thought I was okay because I wanted to die, because I wouldn't care for the pain. But it was just the terror. I still can't shake his face from my vision, his angry & unmoving face so close to mine, pinning me down & choking me as I was completely powerless. It just reminded me of how weak I am in general. I was small & weak as a child when I endured my traumas, but I thought it was different as an adult, yet here I am, equally as powerless to my own fate. This is such a cruel world. This is what I deserved for letting him hurt me before. And the aftermath has been even more painful in a way, I partially wish he did succeed in killing me. As I lied to my family, telling them he was kind & would never hurt me, even though he had done before... and now everybody knows this, I seem so foolish. And I still love him too, which is the worst part! I'm glad I have a strong sister, because I would've forgave him & moved on if I were alone, I would've forgiven him & let him do worse things. He's gone now, he booked the first flight back to his country, even after we were trying to get his visa for here, it's just... all useless now.

Anyways, my real query is this: would you prefer that somebody killed you, through any means necessary, rather than having to do it yourself? It's easier to imagine, no SI, no guilt... but all that pain & emotional torment, after experiencing that I can say for myself I'd rather kill myself 100 times before I was able to die, than to experience my death in such a scary position. What about you?

I'm sorry I only saw this now.

I can't imagine the terror and please do try forget this, at least, try to make this thought take less time of your mind as you can.

This is absurdly serious, it was attempt murder. He shouldn't be allowed to leave country after that. I see he is off the hook right now and you going after him for what he did, would do no good to you. I just hope that he never do this again.

I'm sorry. May the following days be better for you.

Wish you the best.

 

[botanormal]

I'm writing here just because I'm feeling so awful.
I added him back. He begged me, and I did it. He got into my head, he told me he'd change, he said all this stuff... but then he shouted at me over some stupid BS like always. But this time was different because, I couldn't just take it... it left me really terrified. I left the call immediately and took some space. He apologised, but I was still so scared. And then it hit me, what actually happened. I guess I still had some dissociative barrier around the whole situation because, well, trauma responses (yay!) but today it sort of dawned on me... he tried to kill me. Murder. I would've been murdered. If my neighbours hadn't heard, he would've ended my life. That final moment of complete terror would've been the last thing I ever saw. It really just dawned on me today and it's just terrifying. It's terrifying that I let somebody into my life who was capable of that. It's terrifying that it was the one I trusted above everyone else... it always seems that the people I trust the most hurt me the most. And after all these times I start to wonder if maybe it's my fault after all... maybe I'm really just that annoying that my own boyfriend (at the time) would rather me die than to deal with me. I told him today. I said, I can't forgive you unless you truly admit it... because he kept telling me he wouldn't have killed me - he clearly wasn't thinking properly & his choke was cutting off the blood to my brain, he would've definitely killed me if not given me serious brain damage, I know that, I do. But he denies, denies, denies. I told him if he doesn't admit it, we're through forever. And he just... didn't. He told me he told all his family what he did but he won't even admit to himself, so god knows what the fuck he's told them. I stopped talking to him but he harrassed my emails enough to where I added him back.. he said he'd admit it on call, if I just called him. He promised. So I agreed to wait, he said after the super bowl halftime he would call me (idk anything about that but he said it's a big thing right now in america). He told me previously he talked to his ex to tell her I was his soulmate. I thought it was because she was trying to talk to him, but I didn't question it because why would I? But then I thought, 'he would absolutely question me, I should at least ask to see screenshots'... and then he told me most of their convo was over call. He called her. He called his ex girlfriend, RIGHT after we broke up. He called her and talked to her asking for advice, he talked to her and it just enfuriated me. I'm not a jealous person, but the whole reason this stupid asshole tried to kill me to begin with is over some random ass dude I wasn't even going to talk to on a MOBILE GAME, and he just casually talks to his ex and confides in her about everything like it's nothing?!?!! It's insane, it's absolutely INSANE to me how he can do this. He deleted our pics on his fb, put 'single' and all that before he even left the country, and now I found out the first thing he did when he got home was go talk to his ex ?! I'm. So. FINISHED. I hate him. I HATE HIM. He's put me through so much, he's done so much to me, he's broken me down into a grovelling piece of shit and now he gets to go back to his old life and pretend it never happened! I hate him I hate him i hate him. My boss & neighbours & pretty much everyone know I'm a useless idiot fool and have heard me scream and cry like a pathetic baby, I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust another human again, my neck has been incredibly bad since he left and I'm super ill from it and I'm too terified to leave the house so my job which is at the critical point of 'does my contract get renewed or not?' I'm failing in because I'm too unwell and terrified to go in and I can't stop thinking about his angry face over me, I can't get that awful image out of my head, and I still love him after all this and I just hate everything. I thought maybe this would be an amazing thing, someone who didn't mind my mental illnesses. He was always telling me how nobody else would put up with my flashbacks & breakdowns, I always thought I was so lucky, I thought finally I had something to be happy about and now it's all just shit! All of it! I hate it I hate it I wish he just killed me because I hate it all! It's not fair, it's not fair it's not fair! Why does he get to live happily after this? Why do I have to be left in the dirt, a traumatised mess, like every time... I hate it all and I'm so weak and powerless all I can do is rant at the bottom of some old thread, where nobody will ever see it, because I'm too fucking embarrassed to say this all elsewhere. I hate this. I hate myself. I hate it all. Why why why why why?!?!?!

Oh and I forgot to mention the best part!! He's stopped messaging me everywhere now only because the last thing I said was 'if you try contacting me elsewhere I'll tell the police everything'!!! Not my cries, not my pleads, no... a fucking threat of the police is what he cares for most!! He never gave a shit about me, he doesn't and he won't ever and I'm such a fucking fool. I hate it. Why am I so hurt, when all he cares about is the fact I might tell?? This past week all he's said really is asking for comfort that I won't snitch, or asking hundreds of times to prove I'm not recording him ?? ALL HE CARES ABOUT IS GETTING CAUGHT. HE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT ME AT ALL! I can't fucknig stand it I hate it I hate it, I'm such a fucking idiot!

 

[Life sucks]

I'm writing here just because I'm feeling so awful.
I added him back. He begged me, and I did it. He got into my head, he told me he'd change, he said all this stuff... but then he shouted at me over some stupid BS like always. But this time was different because, I couldn't just take it... it left me really terrified. I left the call immediately and took some space. He apologised, but I was still so scared. And then it hit me, what actually happened. I guess I still had some dissociative barrier around the whole situation because, well, trauma responses (yay!) but today it sort of dawned on me... he tried to kill me. Murder. I would've been murdered. If my neighbours hadn't heard, he would've ended my life. That final moment of complete terror would've been the last thing I ever saw. It really just dawned on me today and it's just terrifying. It's terrifying that I let somebody into my life who was capable of that. It's terrifying that it was the one I trusted above everyone else... it always seems that the people I trust the most hurt me the most. And after all these times I start to wonder if maybe it's my fault after all... maybe I'm really just that annoying that my own boyfriend (at the time) would rather me die than to deal with me. I told him today. I said, I can't forgive you unless you truly admit it... because he kept telling me he wouldn't have killed me - he clearly wasn't thinking properly & his choke was cutting off the blood to my brain, he would've definitely killed me if not given me serious brain damage, I know that, I do. But he denies, denies, denies. I told him if he doesn't admit it, we're through forever. And he just... didn't. He told me he told all his family what he did but he won't even admit to himself, so god knows what the fuck he's told them. I stopped talking to him but he harrassed my emails enough to where I added him back.. he said he'd admit it on call, if I just called him. He promised. So I agreed to wait, he said after the super bowl halftime he would call me (idk anything about that but he said it's a big thing right now in america). He told me previously he talked to his ex to tell her I was his soulmate. I thought it was because she was trying to talk to him, but I didn't question it because why would I? But then I thought, 'he would absolutely question me, I should at least ask to see screenshots'... and then he told me most of their convo was over call. He called her. He called his ex girlfriend, RIGHT after we broke up. He called her and talked to her asking for advice, he talked to her and it just enfuriated me. I'm not a jealous person, but the whole reason this stupid asshole tried to kill me to begin with is over some random ass dude I wasn't even going to talk to on a MOBILE GAME, and he just casually talks to his ex and confides in her about everything like it's nothing?!?!! It's insane, it's absolutely INSANE to me how he can do this. He deleted our pics on his fb, put 'single' and all that before he even left the country, and now I found out the first thing he did when he got home was go talk to his ex ?! I'm. So. FINISHED. I hate him. I HATE HIM. He's put me through so much, he's done so much to me, he's broken me down into a grovelling piece of shit and now he gets to go back to his old life and pretend it never happened! I hate him I hate him i hate him. My boss & neighbours & pretty much everyone know I'm a useless idiot fool and have heard me scream and cry like a pathetic baby, I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust another human again, my neck has been incredibly bad since he left and I'm super ill from it and I'm too terified to leave the house so my job which is at the critical point of 'does my contract get renewed or not?' I'm failing in because I'm too unwell and terrified to go in and I can't stop thinking about his angry face over me, I can't get that awful image out of my head, and I still love him after all this and I just hate everything. I thought maybe this would be an amazing thing, someone who didn't mind my mental illnesses. He was always telling me how nobody else would put up with my flashbacks & breakdowns, I always thought I was so lucky, I thought finally I had something to be happy about and now it's all just shit! All of it! I hate it I hate it I wish he just killed me because I hate it all! It's not fair, it's not fair it's not fair! Why does he get to live happily after this? Why do I have to be left in the dirt, a traumatised mess, like every time... I hate it all and I'm so weak and powerless all I can do is rant at the bottom of some old thread, where nobody will ever see it, because I'm too fucking embarrassed to say this all elsewhere. I hate this. I hate myself. I hate it all. Why why why why why?!?!?!

Oh and I forgot to mention the best part!! He's stopped messaging me everywhere now only because the last thing I said was 'if you try contacting me elsewhere I'll tell the police everything'!!! Not my cries, not my pleads, no... a fucking threat of the police is what he cares for most!! He never gave a shit about me, he doesn't and he won't ever and I'm such a fucking fool. I hate it. Why am I so hurt, when all he cares about is the fact I might tell?? This past week all he's said really is asking for comfort that I won't snitch, or asking hundreds of times to prove I'm not recording him ?? ALL HE CARES ABOUT IS GETTING CAUGHT. HE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT ME AT ALL! I can't fucknig stand it I hate it I hate it, I'm such a fucking idiot!

I'm really sorry, this is very cruel, there is no limit to how humans are cruel and absurd. Life is very unfair and full of pain, this person is a monster and I'm sorry you are suffering because of this cruelty. I hope you are safe now. You are not a fool, not useless and it's not your fault, you are traumatized and this monster abused you.

 

[Weeping Garbage Can]

dear dear @botanormal dear, i'm so so so so so sorry i'm so so sorry you experienced even an iota of terror and experienced any suffering at all, let alone such immense and horrifying cruelty *softly and gently bundling you in so many comforting and soothing hugs, or anything better, as much as and anytime you'd ever like <3* thank you so much for sharing with us, love ♡ you have demonstrated such courage and bravery and strength in posting alone, love, let alone in everything you say and everything you do ;; ♡ that anybody would not treat you like the amazing, irreplaceable treasure and beacon of light that you so, so preciously are is so atrocious and so disgraceful in the most generous of words ;; i'm so, so, so sorry i cannot go up there right now and demand to any power or entity that all the peace and happiness and joy and relief that are so so more than rightfully yours be returned immediately and that everything is only as you wish for it to be ;; i am so, so, so sorry you are hurting it is such a gift to read your dear words and have you here or anywhere however and anytime and as long as you are comfortable, love ♡ please please please feel free to let any of us know if there is anything we shall do to be here for and with you, dear, sweet botanormal dear ♡ you are so valuable and important and dear ♡♡ could i ask if you are currently safe and/or comfortable in any capacity and how you are feeling now if i can ask? ;; ♡ is there anything you need? ♡ is there any way we may best be of support? ♡ (please please let me reassure you that you never need respond or do anything beyond what is comfortable and best for you, dear ♡♡) *always wishing you all the bestest and goodest and all the peace and relief in the universe, and sending all of my love and all of the absolute most comforting and soothing embraces in any way and however you'd best like them anytime you would like them <3 <3* ❤

 

[Mocon33]

I know you probably don't need any more advice from internet strangers, but as an old fart who has seen a lot of life I just can't help myself. The dude tried to kill you, he is done, fini, don't respond to his calls or messages, just pretend he is dead.

 

[Istanbulite]

Why is he still your bf tho

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I've entertained the thought of preferring to die by having someone else kill me before but definitely not like this. In this case it seems like it wasn't your choice to die there at all so nothing about him trying to kill you can really be justified. It's horrible when someone you clearly love and trusted attempts to do something like this so I think it's fair to cast him out. You might still love him which is normal but fwiw I think it's good that he's seemingly gone from your life because the fact he seemed so insecure about you interacting with other men was already enough of a sign that something might have been off about him. Hopefully he can be gone from your life for good and you can find it in you to move on and maybe find a better partner next time or whatever makes you happier.