My boyfriend actually told me he thinks my depression is just an excuse

[RM5998]

@ScorpiusDragon While it's tempting to try and take the high ground and say you being inconsiderate, it's probably best to ask what his reasoning behind his statement was. I don't think that he can really comprehend your mindset here. It might be best to have a conversation about whether he understands why you feel the way you do. If he doubles down on his statement, it's a pretty big red flag.

 

[ZixivaldYrxes]

An excuse for what?

 

[ScorpiusDragon]

An excuse for what?

an excuse for my lack of motivation and forgetfulness.
Nowadays, I find it hard to remember little things, like which bag to put the garbage in versus the recyclable materials. Or which day is my turn to wash the dishes.
Little things have accumulated and exploded.

 

[ZixivaldYrxes]

an excuse for my lack of motivation and forgetfulness.
Nowadays, I find it hard to remember little things, like which bag to put the garbage in versus the recyclable materials. Or which day is my turn to wash the dishes.
Little things have accumulated and exploded.

What does he think is the real reason?

 

[ScorpiusDragon]

What does he think is the real reason?

I think he thinks this depression is just a phase I'll get over and that I'm just using it as an excuse to be forgetful/unmotivated/irresponsible.

 

[Conflicted Cat]

What a prick.

And yes, this. Sums what I was going to say perfectly.

I get it, he hasnt gone through it so he wont understand it or be able to relate to it. But i'm sorry, if he says you're depression is an excuse, you're emotions, mental state, is all an excuse and justification for something, then he doesn't truly love you. A partner who truly cares about you truly understands and respects you're emotions, mental health, mental state of mind; EVEN IF THEY DONT RELATE TO IT OR HAVENT GONE THROUGH IT. In similar cases, i have friends, obviously not partners, but best friends who havent gone through depression or suicidal tendencies be extremely supportive and understanding of my mental health and state, and not criticize or judge me for pushing them away from my life or arguing with him just cause, for no reason and blame my emotional state and mental health as just an excuse to hate and do whatever. Thats just bullshit.

 

[Markyv]

My wife was the same, her advice was 'just have happy thoughts' and 'stop wallowing around.' But the classic is your depression is just to control and manipulate me! Sorry babes but i wasnt that stupid. Great white sharks are easier to control.
Some peoples view on depression is victorian.

 

[oopswronglife]

I see a lot of replies here that reflect exactly the same problem that the boyfriend's remark did. He can't understand depression, and he reacted to the phenomenon through the prism of his own experience. Now some people who participated in this topic cannot at all understand a normal person's state of mind, so they reacted to his reality just the same, through the prism of their own experience, rejecting the boyfriend's limitations, rejecting how he feels inside, rejecting the way he processes things.
If you're going to judge him, at least know that you're doing exactly the same thing that you're judging him for.

This is untrue because most of us weren't born suicidal. We were "normal" once too. I know perfectly well what it was like to "not get it" and think I could never feel this way, but even then I was empathetic, as I imagine others here were as well, and not so callous to those who were suffering...especially not to those close to me. One doesn't have to have first hand experience to give someone else empathy and assume the best over the worst. It's a selfish choice to blame victims and criticism of that behavior is not at all hypocritical. It's also an overused fallacy that actually BEING hypocritical in anyway makes one wrong. Anyone can invalidate a judgment "on paper" by examing the person judging and finding some flaw. The fact remains that victim blaming is disgusting...and most especially so when done to your closest loved ones. That is true no matter how flawed the victim might be in related or unrelated things.

 

[Fr2]

This is untrue because most of us weren't born suicidal. We were "normal" once too. I know perfectly well what it was like to "not get it" and think I could never feel this way, but even then I was empathetic and not so callous to those who were...especially not to those close to me. One doesn't have to have first hand experience to give someone else empathy and assume the best over the worst. It's a selfish choice to blame victims and criticism of that behavior is not at all hypocritical.

Only because someone is not suicidal and doesn't know what depression is, doesn't mean that they received in their childhood the entire package of nurture. It's not like they are at the peak of health and any shortage from pure love is them being dicks. People may seem normal and healthy, when they are healthi-er than us. But so many have had their share of neglect as well.

If someone can be empathetic without relating or having experienced the thing themselves, it's because they WERE nurtured a certain way. Others, while seemingly thriving (in comparison to us) cannot empathise at all without relating, and that is because they WEREN'T nurtured a certain way.

Just like when we cannot feel joy or connection or you name it, because we were deprived of something, the lack of compassion in anyone is because they were too deprived of something specific.

So yes they're right to not feel empathy when they just don't feel it. In the same way a depressed person is right to not feel excitement, when they don't feel it.

And it is not fair to declare that they don't love/care. They do it to their limit. (Well, it often happens that they don't, easily seen in comparison with how they treat someone else, about whom they care, the point is to not deduce blindly from one remark) How many people here could be accused of being heartless because they stay grim while a close person is celebrating some achievement? Would you say that you don't care or love that person? You do, but you also have something pushing you down.

At the end of the day, the question is whether you prefer to maintain a relationship with someone with their limitations or not. But blaming anyone for who they are is not only unfair, but also not leading to any change.

 

[oopswronglife]

So yes they're right to not feel empathy when they just don't feel it. In the same way a depressed person is right to not feel excitement, when they don't feel it.

And it is not fair to declare that they don't love/care.

The focus should be returned to her and her feelings, rather than an argument to defend his honor or behavior. She is the one here, now, needing support. Time and place.

 

[Fr2]

The focus should be returned to her and her feelings, rather than an argument to defend his honor or behavior. She is the one here, now, needing support. Time and place.

How conveniently you selected only the fragment which suited your reproach.

Here is another thing that I also said:

(Well, it often happens that they don't, easily seen in comparison with how they treat someone else, about whom they care, the point is to not deduce blindly from one remark)

And I also said this:

At the end of the day, the question is whether you prefer to maintain a relationship with someone with their limitations or not.

I didn't defend honors, I atracked prejudice.

Also, if tomorrow her boyfriend posts here asking for opinions, it will be he then who will be "here and now". So what then, paint it all in the colors that would make him right and her wrong?

 

[AngelGirl]

It is impossible for other people who don't really have an actual experience to understand depression as mental illness. Some people act like they understand, but that is just worse than being ignorant. I just hate it when some people think they can encourage me to toughen up because they have also felt "sad" before and they overcame it.

I used to have a very supportive ex but he really didn't understand what I'm going through. He was someone who always used to be there for me so I loved being with him. I tried so hard for so many years to make him understand what I'm going through. He never understood. He always tried to help me by encouraging me to overcome my depression and shake it off.
Now I think back, he was a great guy but I think I heard so many insults like I'm being weak or immature for being the way I am. He would say things like there were people who have gone through worse than I did so I shouldn't be feeling so sad (or something along that line). I tried over and over to explain to him how much I'm scared of my mom and how abusive she was. But his inability to understand left me with even more frustration. By the end of our relationship I yelled at him a lot because I felt like I wasn't getting the emotional support I wanted from him while he tried to be supportive and tried to do what he thought would be helpful. He was willing to support me but I was just not getting what I want from him.

I ended up breaking up with him for other reasons, but I reached out to him a lot for support even after a breakup because I didn't have anyone close enough to talk about my suicidal ideation, depression, anxiety, abusive parents, etc. These are all extremely difficult topics to talk about and having someone to talk about it is like having a great resource. He realized suggesting solutions to my problems won't actually help me so he just made me talk whenever I wanted to rant about something and he listened. Great great guy.

My current (my another ex now I ended up breaking up with him a week ago) ex was a different story. He was supportive, "actually" helpful, and most importantly, understood me because he also had his mental issues going on somewhat similar to mine so we understood each other. But I also broke up with him for other reasons. I miss him a lot but I have a lot of mixed feelings.

 

[Istanbulite]

Why do you date with him then? Maybe you agree.

I can see family, but you CHOOSE your romantic partner, do not complain