It's like I have gone through a transformation, from someone who looked relatively ok, managed their lives as best they could with the difficulties I face having Asperger's Syndrome on top of everything else, to someone who looks haggard. My hair has been falling out for two years, my skin is plastered in eczema that itches so much I often cannot sleep, the pain is abysmal as my skin dries out and cracks open, and if I do sleep, I tear skin clean off my hands and fingers (hands have been covered in blistered eczema for weeks now) or rub them against anything I can, leaving them covered in friction burns in my sleep and wake up covered in blood (the eczema went away prior to benzo withdrawal, and if I did get a flare, I could treat it with my topical steroid cream, but if I so much as put a pea sized amount of that anywhere on my body, it soaks through my skin and sends my central nervous system into overdrive, increasing every single symptom I have), this month it also appeared on my face, scabby blisters the same as what's all over my hands.
My body is really weak, and one of the problems that caused me to become addicted to codeine, severe period pain, knocks my legs from under me I've only just started feeling better and it started on Tuesday. The pain was like something I haven't felt before, it gets worse each month, this time felt like my body was on fire, went from my pelvis, down my legs and through the top of my head, it was that bad. Doctors tell you this is normal, but is it normal to spend every single day of your life thinking about it?
Each wave of pain literally knocked the air out of my lungs it was that bad, it felt like my pelvis was bound up in barbed wire with an electric current flowing through it.
I have so many symptoms, I wanted to be gone before Christmas, I am so fed up of living like this now.
Part of me wishes I could tell someone how bad things have got for me, but what, in all honesty could they do?
They'd just tell me to go to the doctor, which I have done numerous times and doctors do not believe in benzo withdrawal. Some of them have even tried to question my diagnosis of Asperger's Syndrome, something that's set in stone.
I no longer attend my doctor's surgery for anything other than an inhaler prescription review, I refuse to see the doctors there as they don't understand these things and it does more harm than good.
A doctor working for an addiction treatment organization did this to me, so much for do no harm?. By doing nothing and refusing to follow national guidelines, that doctor ended my life as I knew it, they hurt me in ways no human being is equipped to deal with.
You might THINK you can manage cold turkey withdrawal from Benzos, you may have been lured into believing it's no different from say heroin, lasts a month or so then it's over, this is very wrong.
Nobody has the skills needed to manage such a horrific ordeal, and I mean nobody.
Let's just say if by some miracle I was able to live on, which is not going to happen, I do not want it to happen, I want to be gone more than ever right now, and if it were as simple as turning off a light, this would be my last post, I have so much experience. I am an absolute expert by this experience, if I shared it, it may help a lot of people, but I cannot, I am too tired to put any of it to any good use.
I also have a shit load of huge issues at home, huge problems with husband, turns out he had a plan to end his life too. His reasons though, in my opinion, didn't even scratch the surface compared with mine. He thinks of himself as a failure due to his online t shirt business failing because he didn't do it right. I tried to advise, but he didn't listen, did it his way as always and of course, it failed because nobody wants to pay over the top high prices for something you can get for £5 in a high street shop. The way he chose to do it, it's called print on demand, may work if you're a celebrity or someone with an good brand name, but otherwise, it's a non starter. Stupid idea if you ask me, but not worth ending one's life over.
Those people who make YouTube videos and tutorials on how to set up these kinds of business ventures have a LOT to answer for, I partly blame them. They DO NOT make money doing what they say they do, they make money from selling ebooks, that's it. They need your gullible mindset so they can sell you their ebook, which contains a load of airy 'information' that you can find for free on google, about how to make £1000 a day doing this crap. They have NO idea the damage their misinfo can cause to vulnerable people.
I cannot take on his problems alongside my own, I am sorry, the weight I carry every single day is already dragging me into the ground. I cannot carry his burdens too.
That's what all this does, wears your body down until there's nothing left, then keeps going.
At least my mind is in one piece, at least I am still sane. I never lost that. Emotionally, I am strong, it's my body that's failed me.
I just need a reliable method now and I can finally be free from this corpse.
x
My body is really weak, and one of the problems that caused me to become addicted to codeine, severe period pain, knocks my legs from under me I've only just started feeling better and it started on Tuesday. The pain was like something I haven't felt before, it gets worse each month, this time felt like my body was on fire, went from my pelvis, down my legs and through the top of my head, it was that bad. Doctors tell you this is normal, but is it normal to spend every single day of your life thinking about it?
Each wave of pain literally knocked the air out of my lungs it was that bad, it felt like my pelvis was bound up in barbed wire with an electric current flowing through it.
I have so many symptoms, I wanted to be gone before Christmas, I am so fed up of living like this now.
Part of me wishes I could tell someone how bad things have got for me, but what, in all honesty could they do?
They'd just tell me to go to the doctor, which I have done numerous times and doctors do not believe in benzo withdrawal. Some of them have even tried to question my diagnosis of Asperger's Syndrome, something that's set in stone.
I no longer attend my doctor's surgery for anything other than an inhaler prescription review, I refuse to see the doctors there as they don't understand these things and it does more harm than good.
A doctor working for an addiction treatment organization did this to me, so much for do no harm?. By doing nothing and refusing to follow national guidelines, that doctor ended my life as I knew it, they hurt me in ways no human being is equipped to deal with.
You might THINK you can manage cold turkey withdrawal from Benzos, you may have been lured into believing it's no different from say heroin, lasts a month or so then it's over, this is very wrong.
Nobody has the skills needed to manage such a horrific ordeal, and I mean nobody.
Let's just say if by some miracle I was able to live on, which is not going to happen, I do not want it to happen, I want to be gone more than ever right now, and if it were as simple as turning off a light, this would be my last post, I have so much experience. I am an absolute expert by this experience, if I shared it, it may help a lot of people, but I cannot, I am too tired to put any of it to any good use.
I also have a shit load of huge issues at home, huge problems with husband, turns out he had a plan to end his life too. His reasons though, in my opinion, didn't even scratch the surface compared with mine. He thinks of himself as a failure due to his online t shirt business failing because he didn't do it right. I tried to advise, but he didn't listen, did it his way as always and of course, it failed because nobody wants to pay over the top high prices for something you can get for £5 in a high street shop. The way he chose to do it, it's called print on demand, may work if you're a celebrity or someone with an good brand name, but otherwise, it's a non starter. Stupid idea if you ask me, but not worth ending one's life over.
Those people who make YouTube videos and tutorials on how to set up these kinds of business ventures have a LOT to answer for, I partly blame them. They DO NOT make money doing what they say they do, they make money from selling ebooks, that's it. They need your gullible mindset so they can sell you their ebook, which contains a load of airy 'information' that you can find for free on google, about how to make £1000 a day doing this crap. They have NO idea the damage their misinfo can cause to vulnerable people.
I cannot take on his problems alongside my own, I am sorry, the weight I carry every single day is already dragging me into the ground. I cannot carry his burdens too.
That's what all this does, wears your body down until there's nothing left, then keeps going.
At least my mind is in one piece, at least I am still sane. I never lost that. Emotionally, I am strong, it's my body that's failed me.
I just need a reliable method now and I can finally be free from this corpse.
x
