Venting My body is tired

[willitpass]

I've self harmed almost my entire life. For the last four-five years that self harm has consisted of periods of starvation, dehydration, sleep deprivation, and as of the last year, medication overdosing. I've been microoverdosing on tylenol for about a week and a half, as well as missing my heart medication for several doses and then taking all missed doses at once. My body has been getting more and more tired this last year, and these past few weeks of tylenol and heart medication have my body exhausted. I'm constantly shaky and dizzy, and my heart rate is all over the place, ranging from the 40s to the 150s. I have an EKG feature on my watch, and while I know it isn't the most accurate, I can obviously tell I'm having periods of arrhythmias. I'm constantly in pain and nauseous. My body is wearing down from years of abuse.

Please don't lecture me about how painful lived failure is, I'm well aware of what I'm doing. I'm not doing it to die, but I'm also not scared of it killing me. I feel I deserve the suffering I inflict on myself, and no amount of discussion in the comments will change how I feel about that, I've been this way my entire life. And yes, I have tried years of therapy and medication, hospitalizations, even shock therapy, so no, I don't need to work it out with a therapist.
I feel like I'm dying. I would be so happy to just die without even having to do anything. I hope my body gives up soon.

 

[willitpass]

The knowledge that I've taken years off of my life span on purpose is odd to think about. In the extremely unlikely chance I one day recover and chose to live, I know I will have a shortened life span and serious health problems. In the more likely chance that I don't, at least I won't live long.