- Apr 29, 2023
I'm too tired to even try to leave him again, everytime i do he comes back months later and apologizes for "mentally torturing" me (his words). Whenever I think im finally over him he comes back. We've been dating for almost a year now this time, and all he does is call me worthless, tell me to shut up constantly, makes fun of my body for being skinny and not like his fav porn stars, and hides our relationship from everyone. I used to think i just didnt want a loving relationship, and convinced myself I liked being treated horribly as some sick way to cope and to stop myself from CTB at the time. But i realize now i want nothing more than to just be told someone loves me, to be called pretty, and to feel like im worth something, literally anything. I used to vent about him on reddit and everyone would beg me to leave, so at this point i dont even deserve sympathy as its all my own fault for being too weak to leave. Hes all I have left, without him I'll be all alone. But I cant do anything around him without being made fun of, so i just shut down when im with him which makes him more mad at me. Yesterday he even made fun of me for venting online since i cant talk to him about my problems, (last time i opened up to him and told him i struggle with self harm he used it against me in an argument infront of our shared friendgroup at the time). I used to look at him with such love and admiration, wanting nothing more than to make him feel happy and loved. Now its just an overwhelming sense of guilt and hidden resentment as he's more of a way for me to punish myself even further for my weakness instead of just my boyfriend.