Venting my bf is anti-suicide and it hurts

[Decayed]

i love my bf he is the best thing in the world i dream of dying in his arms but he is sadly anti-suicide he think of it as a horrible thing where as i think of it as a beautiful peaceful thing. this seems to be the one thing we just can't agree on. whenever i bring up my plans to ctb he gets agitated or sad and then that makes me feel bad and guilty. i wish i could talk to him and he could be supportive of my wishes but he can't seem to get over his mindset that suicide is this disgusting thing, he says stuff like "i can't loose you" or "i can't lose another person i care about" and it makes me feel so guilty like im going to cause him pain, even tho i was very clear even before we got together that i plan on dying. i dunno a part of me almost resents him for making me feel this guilt but i know he is hurting too at the thought of me dying. any advice of how to communicate that dying is a good thing for me?

 

[AllFoxedOut]

I don't think you can. He loves you, and even for pro-choicers, it is very hard to let someone you love go. I would just not bring up the topic with him anymore. It sucks to not be able to trust someone you love with everything.

 

[StillBreathing]

He is your boyfriend and he loves you. Of course he doesn't want you to CTB. If you are determined to to do I recommend you cut your connection with the boyfriend first because your death would ruin his life as well and that would be a selfish thing to do. (not trying to be hash just telling you the truith).

 

[FuneralCry]

I just wouldn't see it as the best idea opening up about wanting to die in the first place, as sadly I only believe that many people would let go of their anti-suicide beliefs if something happened to make them want to die themselves. I also wish people could be supportive towards the right to cease existing but sadly this is the reality of existing here.

 

[Jolene79]

This is what makes this experience so painfully lonely. No one will ever understand unless they are in a similar position of suffering. If it's someone that close to you they will never be ok with it. I don't think it's a good idea to talk about it with them anymore. It hurts you as well as them.
If there's any capacity left to just enjoy being with them, can you savour every moment with them even if you know it may not be long. And keep the truth of your thoughts to this forum only

 

[uniqueusername39]

i couldve written this myself. the only thing we could do is accept that they will never understand and hope they will forgive us.

 

[hermestrimegistus]

I'm gonna sound very insensitive and I'm sorry but I do not understand the multitude of these posts where people are complaining/resenting having a caring loving partner who doesnt want to lose you. I understand being depressed and suicidal but come on man. This is fucked up. You're upset that someone cares about you? Do you realize how fortunate you are?

If you really intend to CTB and if you really care about the person, break up with them. If they don't want to lose you it's better to end things with a clean break before they lose you permanently. If you value suicide more than you do them, let them go. If you really care about them but you desire to CTB more than that, make distance between you two before you make any attempts. If you care about anyone and they care about you, don't put them through that. I wouldn't even tell them I feel this way. Seems like a burden no one that loves you should have to deal with. You're taking them for granted

 

[Golden]

I'm gonna sound very insensitive and I'm sorry but I do not understand the multitude of these posts where people are complaining/resenting having a caring loving partner who doesnt want to lose you. I understand being depressed and suicidal but come on man. This is fucked up. You're upset that someone cares about you? Do you realize how fortunate you are?

If you really intend to CTB and if you really care about the person, break up with them. If they don't want to lose you it's better to end things with a clean break before they lose you permanently. If you value suicide more than you do them, let them go. If you really care about them but you desire to CTB more than that, make distance between you two before you make any attempts. If you care about anyone and they care about you, don't put them through that. I wouldn't even tell them I feel this way. Seems like a burden no one that loves you should have to deal with. You're taking them for granted

In general I would say that people (obviously) aren't upset that someone cares about them. But the thing is that if you truly deeply care about someone, you should let that someone ctb if that is best for them. So in the sense as I understand "caring" as it's purest, not that many people actually have people who care about them. Of course you are allowed to be sad about losing someone, that is completely natural. But being angry at someone who wants to ctb or trying to force or pressure them to keep living is just selfish, not caring in my opinion.

What comes to the OP and their relationship, I don't think it's right to tell OP that they should break up if they are going to ctb. OP clearly stated that the boyfriend was well aware that OP was planning to die when they got together in the first place. OP wanting to ctb shouldn't be news for the boyfriend and this point

 

[hermestrimegistus]

In general I would say that people (obviously) aren't upset that someone cares about them. But the thing is that if you truly deeply care about someone, you should let that someone ctb if that is best for them. So in the sense as I understand "caring" as it's purest, not that many people actually have people who care about them. Of course you are allowed to be sad about losing someone, that is completely natural. But being angry at someone who wants to ctb or trying to force or pressure them to keep living is just selfish, not caring in my opinion.

What comes to the OP and their relationship, I don't think it's right to tell OP that they should break up if they are going to ctb. OP clearly stated that the boyfriend was well aware that OP was planning to die when they got together in the first place. OP wanting to ctb shouldn't be news for the boyfriend and this point

If people want to CTB more than they want to be with that person, they should leave them, in my opinion. You can't have it both ways. You can't have someone care about you AND force them to watch you kill yourself. It's objectively selfish and wrong. If they're important to you, but CTB is more of a priority, then you've already made your choice. The most selfish thing you can do is force other people to suffer because you're also suffering. If you truly love someone, but would rather end yourself, set them free. This is just my personal philosophy

 

[Golden]

If people want to CTB more than they want to be with that person, they should leave them, in my opinion. You can't have it both ways. You can't have someone care about you AND force them to watch you kill yourself. It's objectively selfish and wrong. If they're important to you, but CTB is more of a priority, then you've already made your choice. The most selfish thing you can do is force other people to suffer because you're also suffering. If you truly love someone, but would rather end yourself, set them free. This is just my personal philosophy

I understand your point. Like now that I'm set to ctb in the next two months, I wouldn't deliberately try and go connect with new people making them care about me because I'd just cause them unnecessary suffering. But I think it's different with people who are already in your life. If you love each other with your partner and the only reason you break up is because you're gonna ctb, I don't see how that makes your partner's pain any easier. If anything, you make them lose you twice. First you make them suffer from the breakup, and then from the death. Do you think that a person who's gonna ctb should cut ties with everyone in their life?

 

[Viranamari]

You're boyfriend is anti- suicide probably because he cares about you. Loosing someone you love to suicide is really difficult. Personally, I wouldn't open up to anyone about my suicidal ideation as many people are anti- suicide. I do wish people were more open- minded. In the end, you know what's best for you so it's up to you if you wish to break up with your boyfriend but I can't really blame him.

 

[hermestrimegistus]

I understand your point. Like now that I'm set to ctb in the next two months, I wouldn't deliberately try and go connect with new people making them care about me because I'd just cause them unnecessary suffering. But I think it's different with people who are already in your life. If you love each other with your partner and the only reason you break up is because you're gonna ctb, I don't see how that makes your partner's pain any easier. If anything, you make them lose you twice. First you make them suffer from the breakup, and then from the death. Do you think that a person who's gonna ctb should cut ties with everyone in their life?

I think it's better to break up with them first because you'll create distance and they'll have already lost you. Then they'll be less shell shocked when they actually lose you forever. They'd have time to move on first. Otherwise it's kind of like pulling the rug out from under somebody. Would you rather them wake up one day and you're just gone? Or god forbid, have to find you? Seems more painful than you leaving them beforehand. I think it's best to leave someone whose life in entangled in yours. Like I don't think cutting ties with everybody in their life is necessary. Maybe just people who depend on you. Or if you have a big part in their life or something. Probably hurt less to slowly slip away from them instead of a here today, gone tomorrow type situation. Thats obviously just my opinion though

 

[ForgottenAgain]

I think it's better to break up with them first because you'll create distance and they'll have already lost you. Then they'll be less shell shocked when they actually lose you forever. They'd have time to move on first. Otherwise it's kind of like pulling the rug out from under somebody. Would you rather them wake up one day and you're just gone? Or god forbid, have to find you? Seems more painful than you leaving them beforehand. I think it's best to leave someone whose life in entangled in yours. Like I don't think cutting ties with everybody in their life is necessary. Maybe just people who depend on you. Or if you have a big part in their life or something. Probably hurt less to slowly slip away from them instead of a here today, gone tomorrow type situation. Thats obviously just my opinion though

I agree with you, it's not right to love someone, know that they love you and care about you, and then you die on them out of the blue. No amount of "I told him prior I wanted to die" will make this better. The person will always be shocked, especially if they find you, and will be dealing with that immense pain forever.

If ctb is more important, I think it would be kinder to break up with him. After all, you do love him and I assume you would want to ease his pain? He just doesn't support you ctb because he cares about you and probably believes you can get better. If you don't think so, it would be loving to let him go, suffer the break up and, if later on he finds out you ctb, it will be a bit less intense.

He won't be thinking he could have done more, not as much as if you two were together, since you broke up with him. It will be easier to rationalise imo.

It does sound comforting and romantic to ctb in his arms but that would most definitely be a prison sentence for him. You would die and he would go to jail for murder or at least watching you die and not doing anything. The kind thing to do is to have him out of this topic, and out your life, as much as possible, if you are set that you want to ctb

 

[hermestrimegistus]

I agree with you, it's not right to love someone, know that they love you and care about you, and then you die on them out of the blue. No amount of "I told him prior I wanted to die" will make this better. The person will always be shocked, especially if they find you, and will be dealing with that immense pain forever.

If ctb is more important, I think it would be kinder to break up with him. After all, you do love him and I assume you would want to ease his pain? He just doesn't support you ctb because he cares about you and probably believes you can get better. If you don't think so, it would be loving to let him go, suffer the break up and, if later on he finds out you ctb, it will be a bit less intense.

He won't be thinking he could have done more, not as much as if you two were together, since you broke up with him. It will be easier to rationalise imo.

It does sound comforting and romantic to ctb in his arms but that would most definitely be a prison sentence for him. You would die and he would go to jail for murder or at least watching you die and not doing anything. The kind thing to do is to have him out of this topic, and out your life, as much as possible, if you are set that you want to ctb

This is exactly what I'm trying to say.
Except the last part. I don't think that's romantic at all. I think maybe in theory it would be comforting for the one who's going to CTB but it's inherently selfish and traumatizing to expect someone to watch you die. Even if they weren't going to be held responsible for your death. It's objectively wrong. Let them go and leave them out of this. If they truly love you and you love them you shouldn't want them to have to experience this

 

[SketchedOut]

i feel like we're on the same boat when it comes to this. i've saved my girlfriend's life in the past, and that was just by doing tiny things that made her feel better and reconsider her decision to ctb. but now i am put in this situation where i'm having constant daily breakdowns, and begging for the shit i'm going through to stop, daydreaming of finally finding peace in death every single second of the day. and because she got so attached to me, especially after I've saved her, she feels worthless and scared because she isn't able to give me the thing i gave her back, and she's stupid worried for me every single day, begging me not to do it. it feels so crushing.

 

[Forever Sleep]

If they don't want to lose you it's better to end things with a clean break before they lose you permanently.

How likely or possible do you think a 'clean break' is with someone who deeply cares about you, knows you're suicidal, and probably is smart enough to realise you're trying to distance yourself from them for a reason?

I agree with what @Golden said- I don't think it's fair to actively seek out companionship with people if CTB is a strong possibility. I'm fairly 'lucky' in that regard. In that the friendships and family relationships I have had have naturally slipped away. It wouldn't feel right for me to reignite them now. But- for people who currently have people close to them- how do you see it working? They suddenly just leave them? Cut all contact? Do they start to respond aggressively towards them maybe? Try and make them hate them? I don't really see how either would ease their pain. If someone you love deeply who you know wants to kill themselves suddenly cuts you out of their lives- I doubt they'll just give up and move on just like that. I don't actually know what the solution is. I think it's a very difficult situation to be in but I'm not so sure that ghosting them would help either person. It would probably mean that the last things spoken on this earth were in anger- you can't really expect them to just give up on trying to get the person back if they love them. So- how can you nicely tell someone you don't want them?

In some ways, I think the OP is doing the only thing they can. They made their partner aware from the start that suicide was a possibility. They have continued to warn them. Surely- it's more down to their boyfriend on whether he wishes to stay- knowing the circumstances. If he knows their suicide will break him and the longer he stays, the worse the pain will be- he has the choice to leave now.

I'm sorry though OP- I doubt that he will accept your decision. I think- unless a person's situation is painfully obviously bad and irredeemable- chronic terminal illness maybe- I think a lot of people struggle with the suicide of a loved one.

 

[hermestrimegistus]

How likely or possible do you think a 'clean break' is with someone who deeply cares about you, knows you're suicidal, and probably is smart enough to realise you're trying to distance yourself from them for a reason?

I agree with what @Golden said- I don't think it's fair to actively seek out companionship with people if CTB is a strong possibility. I'm fairly 'lucky' in that regard. In that the friendships and family relationships I have had have naturally slipped away. It wouldn't feel right for me to reignite them now. But- for people who currently have people close to them- how do you see it working? They suddenly just leave them? Cut all contact? Do they start to respond aggressively towards them maybe? Try and make them hate them? I don't really see how either would ease their pain. If someone you love deeply who you know wants to kill themselves suddenly cuts you out of their lives- I doubt they'll just give up and move on just like that. I don't actually know what the solution is. I think it's a very difficult situation to be in but I'm not so sure that ghosting them would help either person. It would probably mean that the last things spoken on this earth were in anger- you can't really expect them to just give up on trying to get the person back if they love them. So- how can you nicely tell someone you don't want them?

In some ways, I think the OP is doing the only thing they can. They made their partner aware from the start that suicide was a possibility. They have continued to warn them. Surely- it's more down to their boyfriend on whether he wishes to stay- knowing the circumstances. If he knows their suicide will break him and the longer he stays, the worse the pain will be- he has the choice to leave now.

I'm sorry though OP- I doubt that he will accept your decision. I think- unless a person's situation is painfully obviously bad and irredeemable- chronic terminal illness maybe- I think a lot of people struggle with the suicide of a loved one.

I didn't mean they should lash out in anger or even ghost them. I'd probably try to take personal responsibility and very earnestly pull the age old Its-Not-You-It's-Me spiel. Make the last interaction nothing but honest and let them know that you still love them and you just want them to be happy and healthy and that that's obviously never going to happen if they stay together. That you need to work on yourself and be alone. Never would suggest any aggression. Because the whole point is to cut them out of suffering. Lessening the blow. Not making them feel like shit. Indirectly letting them know it's not even remotely their fault. Just because they were previously aware you're suicidal doesn't justify you hurting them by dying while you're still in a relationship with them. Let alone them having to find your body. Seems incredibly selfish to do

 

[Forever Sleep]

I didn't mean they should lash out in anger or even ghost them. I'd probably try to take personal responsibility and very earnestly pull the age old Its-Not-You-It's-Me spiel. Make the last interaction nothing but honest and let them know that you still love them and you just want them to be happy and healthy and that that's obviously never going to happen if they stay together. That you need to work on yourself and be alone. Never would suggest any aggression. Because the whole point is to cut them out of suffering. Lessening the blow. Not making them feel like shit. Indirectly letting them know it's not even remotely their fault. Just because they were previously aware you're suicidal doesn't justify you hurting them by dying while you're still in a relationship with them. Let alone them having to find your body. Seems incredibly selfish to do

I agree- it's not the best thing to do. I want to hold on for a parent- not even a partner. I do think- if it's possible for someone to hold off doing it to spare others pain, that's the kindest thing to do. But- that isn't always possible.

Yeah, I guess they could go for that: the 'I need time apart' thing. They may even realise after the event that the person did it to spare them pain. I just don't know how well we lie to those who know us and love us the most. I think it takes a long time to get over someone too. Not so sure that a few weeks or months spent apart from them would soften the blow.

In some ways, I feel sorry for people in relationships. They clearly aren't enough to stop them feeling like they want to end it, yet they become an emotional tether. I know it's frustrating for people to read when they feel like having someone in their lives would make all the difference but- I don't think it always works like that. Someone may have been feeling better and on the road to recovery when they formed new relationships. But then- if they relapse and suddenly, those people can't reach them anymore- it's got to feel awful. I think sometimes we kind of die before we die when we are suicidal. The person our families or loved ones fell in love with isn't really there anymore. I think in some ways, I'd prefer to feel lonely by myself rather than lonely with someone or in a crowd.

 

[hermestrimegistus]

I agree- it's not the best thing to do. I want to hold on for a parent- not even a partner. I do think- if it's possible for someone to hold off doing it to spare others pain, that's the kindest thing to do. But- that isn't always possible.

Yeah, I guess they could go for that: the 'I need time apart' thing. They may even realise after the event that the person did it to spare them pain. I just don't know how well we lie to those who know us and love us the most. I think it takes a long time to get over someone too. Not so sure that a few weeks or months spent apart from them would soften the blow.

In some ways, I feel sorry for people in relationships. They clearly aren't enough to stop them feeling like they want to end it, yet they become an emotional tether. I know it's frustrating for people to read when they feel like having someone in their lives would make all the difference but- I don't think it always works like that. Someone may have been feeling better and on the road to recovery when they formed new relationships. But then- if they relapse and suddenly, those people can't reach them anymore- it's got to feel awful. I think sometimes we kind of die before we die when we are suicidal. The person our families or loved ones fell in love with isn't really there anymore. I think in some ways, I'd prefer to feel lonely by myself rather than lonely with someone or in a crowd.

Its never going to feel good to lose someone. But a few weeks apart is a world away from just waking up the next day and finding your partner dead. They're not even in the same sphere.
And yeah. I kind of understand. I feel like I am the walking dead. But I would never ever try to make someone watch me die. Unless someone truly made me feel like I'm not alone and I wanted to keep going to spend the rest of my time with them, I would never keep them around just to watch me suffer. I'd want them to be happy and not brought down by my personal sadness. Feels so fucking wrong

 

[tarumipemi]

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