He knew me since we were 15, it's been 10 years now. What I mean to say is; he knew me when I was a full-blown hormonal teenager, in an abusive home, unmedicated. He knew what's coming, he was even there for the only attempt I've ever made. He still hasn't given up on me. It's very sweet, and I wholeheartedly appreciate it.
I'm very glad to hear you know someone who has strong hope in you :) that's such a wonderful thing, to have people who maintain hope in you no matter what. I myself have felt such hope as well, from some of my best friends as well. It truly is a beautiful, enduring thing.
I'm not writing this because I'm 100% hell-bent on killing myself just yet, but... Well, there's a reason I'm here. Things. Aren't. Great. And yes, it's coming.
Feels like for these past 10 years since we've met, not much has changed for me, and I'm a person of change- I'm a person of adaptability, of creativity, of exploration. Which is why it hurts that I keep finding myself where I stood 10 years ago, always back in that painful point. No matter how much I fight it, no matter how much I keep "turning my life around", it always ends here.
I'm not sure what I'm doing just yet, but due to the recent total collapse of my life crumbling around me (a common occurrence), he's been staying over for a little over a month now. It's been great having him around, we never get sick of eachother, but I can't help but keep wondering how painful it'll be for him when I go soon;
I'm sorry to hear that. Do you feel there are certain ambitions or dreams you want to achieve, but feel unable to? to fulfill that ideal, to realize that standard that you truly wish to live out. It's just a theory, and my apologies if I'm overextrapolating—just throwing things out there.
I'm really glad to hear you two never get sick of each other :) that's a beautiful thing, to have someone you can vibe with for reals, nigh all the time.
I give myself six months at best, and to make it all worse (and this is what prompted me to write this post right now)- he texted me tonight, the one night he isn't around, to let me know his friend's brother committed suicide.
I'm sorry to hear that. I wish your friend the greatest of strength & ease throughout his grief.
Now I have to face this idea even further. I've also lost someone to suicide, and I've been there comforting their widow the entire time. More than my intimacy with feeling suicidal, I'm intimate with the fallout people around the dead experience.
This makes it all too painful that knowing this doesn't deter me from feeling like I need to do this. I viscerally imagine what it must be like, and I'd hate myself for doing this to him, even if we've had the "I'm sorry I made you get attached to me knowing I'd die young" talk a million times. I know that after all these years and all we've been to eachother, I'm going to hurt him a lot.
I understand why you feel that guilt and self-hatred. I understand that you feel an intense desire towards suicide, yet at the same time feel deeply guilty for this out of fear for how it would hurt others.
I made a list of a few things I want to do these next couple of months before I go.
I at least hope he'll appreciate the fact that spending time with him was on there.
Once, a friend of mine who I confessed suicidalism to (in person), said this one thing to me the day I told him, during the intense exchange we had that day. I will recreate this exchange for you. [paraphrased]
FRIEND: "Hunter, I just want to let you know you've made a good impression on all the people you've met."
ME: "Of course! They'll remember me fondly."
FRIEND: "...Hunter... they don't want to remember you, they want to know you."
...
I understand that you have a genuine, intense desire, to stop existing because of all the suffering and regret that you bear. But I would be remiss if I was not honest with you, so I wish to be honest with you as well. I don't mean to say this to guilt you, I wish to tell you this to affirm the honesty of your feelings that you have expressed. Indeed, your friend
would grieve for you, and having fond memories of someone is not the same as having them with you, living and thinking on—a living image existing in dynamic flow.
I think you do truly love your friend. And your friend truly does love you. [platonically, in a humanhood of siblingry, I mean.] And you really do both want to stick with each other, as siblings in a world where companionship is so valuable.
Suicide should be an intentional choice that is accepted, given one's personal conscious experience of life is wholly disappointing, where there are no more sources of inspiration or hope, a unacceptable lack of hope in the infinite future. So there must be an infinite lack of hope, to completely justify an infinite fall into nothingness.
I feel you do truly want to be with your friend, but you feel strong compulsions from your regrets in life to end it all, from the idea that your mistakes will continue to stab you and trip you over without a chance of finding peace. But love is a powerful thing, it has the power to melt away our troubles, no matter how short of a time this wonderful high dream lasts. I actually think intense love feels just like suicidal desire; I've had periods of my life where I swing between intense love and intense suicidalism—so I believe they inherently share a core nature.
You grapple with both these feelings, because they both comfort you. The idea of leaving it all behind. The idea of living another day with someone you vibe on every level with.
But know that your realization, your thoughts, are not for nothing here; I actually agree with a lot of what you've said here [though not all of it]. I am impressed at how honest you are being with yourself here; a lot of the people are so entrenched in their emotions they can sometimes forget some things, but here I see it all in you, you're looking at everything here, even if you are strongly pulled by certain emotions here—you've provided a coherent & honest account of your situation, and I commend you for that.
Know that your feelings
are valid. I mean not to say "your ideas are wrong because of your emotions", no, I mean to say actually that your emotions and desires are
both valid, and I completely understand [as well as an internet stranger can] why you want to do both things.
So let's harken back to what the purpose of suicide actually is, so we can apply this raw idea directly to your current situation and hopefully find a good course of action for yourself.
The purpose of suicide, is to minimize suffering, and guard a person from tolerating the intolerable, and from being dishonored to an unacceptable extent; an unbearable extent, an unjust extent. Where the suffering of life is constant and unbearable, undeniably outweighing all happiness currently, where there is a clear rational impossibility of any hope or happiness in the future, no possibility for comfort or reprieve, even for a moment, even for a day.
But you
do have a way out of these regrets that weigh on you; and far more than most, you realize what's causing your issues and why you feel the way you do. Maybe you might not be able to change everything about your situation, but maybe it's possible to somehow make a peace with the unacceptable things in your situation, however hellish it may be. I feel if both heavenly comforts and hellish trials both burn & soothe in a person's life; that it is worth it to hold onto both, that pleasure and love are so beautiful & valuable that it is worth protecting—if there is goodness within it. You have the right to disagree with me, for at the end of the day you truly do have the power to do as you wish. But I speak to you from my own honest values, that I personally hold; and I hope that if you find any sentiment with my word that you agree with, that you feel free to accept such sentiment for yourself as well; and feel free to decide honestly.
I think if you're unsure about suicide, that you shouldn't go through with it. That if you feel there are things in your life that are worth living for and protecting, that you feel guilty to leave behind, that it's worth staying for those things. You don't
have to commit suicide. A forced suicide is not ideal, it should be a conscious choice, not something that you reluctantly give in to. The choice to endure all suffering just to enjoy moments of joy with your friend is one you have the complete choice to make. If you truly do feel every touch of your life is cooked and there truly is not a speck of light in life, that darkness covers everything from head to toe with no chance, then who am I to tell you you must wait for light when you don't see any. But I cannot, in good conscience, tell you that there is nothing in your life worth experiencing, based on what you have told me. I know you care about your friend, and seeing such a beautiful friendship between you and him really does—truly does—instill hope within me for you.
Don't hate yourself for thinking of suicide. It wasn't your choice to be suicidal. When I became suicidal, it wasn't my choice either. Regret pulled out knives from it's pockets. But we don't have to be what happens to us. We have the ability to decide, what we agree with and what we disagree with; what we want to do, and don't want to do. You can experience an urge and decide it does not align with what you truly want.
You have the right to choose to end your life now. And you have the right to continue living, and experience some bad things such as regret, along with good things such as being with your friend. You don't
have to choose either. You don't need to be defined by any compulsion, you don't need to be defined by any pre-existing notion. I encourage you to detach yourself from all the history of what you have decided before, and now—here and now—decide what you want out of existence, and think whether the things you love and dream of, are worthwhile for hoping for—and—are commonplace enough to be worth staying for.
Please consult with yourself. Be honest with yourself. Take every option and hunt out any thing you could try. Suicide is one of those options, but it has the caveat of necessitating itself be the last option. Maybe all else has truly failed and you truly do have no choice. But are you at peace with this? If you are not at peace with this, then it can't be the right option for you. You don't want to go through with a suicide attempt and regret it at the very last minute. Such tragedy has unfortunately occurred before on this forum, such as one user's last comment on their goodbye thread being "
i feel regretful [/] ajsjdidk". Though many have committed suicide without regret as well, and I mean not to sensationalize this one user's experience.
It does indeed pain me to watch people bear unbearable suffering, to be forced into situations that they do not deserve; dishonor that no-one should have to endure, suffering that nobody should be forced to live through. But it also pains me to see people who wanted to live as well, be unable to turn back, to have their will to live denied. To have a universal will to die is tragic too, to be forced against all honor and will to endure what they did not ask for and do not wish to; I cannot in good conscience deny a human the right of their own will. That is the same standard and right I agree to you, too—the right to decide, the right to have your truest wishes validated, to affirm your humanity and agency to make decisions.
Please consider if there are truly solutions to your problems, if not for any reason than to confirm the unfixability of them. And please also consider the reasons you feel uneasy with dying as well. Please weigh the reasons to die alongside the reasons to live; with the greatest honesty and skepticism all throughout. If you ever feel unsure about things, and feel talking with another will help you figure things out better, please feel most welcome to message me at any time, through DM's, conversations, posting on my page, anything. If you have traumas or tangly life problems you just want to vent about, because they've been hurting you for so long, you are most welcome to vent your heart out in my DM's and validate all the suffering & confusion you feel.
You are most capable of being honest with yourself and recognizing the strength of your emotions, as such coherence demonstrated here.
At this moment in human history, we rest at the cutting edge of understanding; we understand now more than ever
why humans do what they do, why things are the way they are; and with such an understanding, we are abler than ever to know what can't be fixed, and maybe—just maybe—able to find possible solutions for the most confusing of aspects in life as well.
To live or to die. Is the most personal decision that anyone can make for themselves. Do not chose based off of what is forced upon you, but what you truly want, what you cannot deny, what strikes as honest and good to you—by the ideal you wish to live or die by. My words with you. And your undeniably human conscience with you, as well.
I leave you with this quote.
The middle way is commonly the way of truth. And if any can show me a better middle way than I have here laid down, I shall be ready to embrace it: But the conviction must not be by vinegar or drollery, but by strength of argument. . . . I have had a deep sence of the sad consequence of mistakes in matters Capital; and their impossibility of recovering when compleated. And what grief of heart it brings to a tender conscience, to have been unwittingly encouraging of the Sufferings of the innocent.
—Reverend Hale, 5 years after the Salem witch trials (which he had participated in).
~
I apologize if anywhere in this comment I have misunderstood you, or looked down upon you & your agency in any way shape or form, no matter how accidental or intentional it may have been on my part. Please feel free to critique my words as rawly (& as harsh as honesty allows) as you feel true, for I wish not to pressure you against yourself, nor restrict your conscience. You have the right to express openly, and figure out honestly about your own feelings. I wish you the greatest lucidity and understanding of yourself that can be. May you be able to know well in this confusing time you walk through. I wish you way more than luck.
—Hunter
