This willl be a long story. During the last appoinment with my therapist I noticed something was off. He is not my psychiatrist but psychologist. He looked at me with an incredible sadness and he was quite shocked. It was like he knew about my really serious suicidality. I have only shown him parts of it. Only in little dosages and I often added some hopeful statements. The last time I opened up fully to a therapist they gave up on me. Two therapists have given up on. They thought I am an hopeless case who will probably kill himself. One therapist ended the therapy with me because of that treatment resistance. (The other one is in a clinic for people with psychosis.)
The way how my therapist looked at me had a huge emotional impact on me. But I only recognized that afterwards. I like him. He is not the one to be blamed for my hellish life. He tried as good as possible. My therapists can't solve my problems I know that. I am pretty much a mental wreck. I cried a lot because he looked so sad at me. I don't want that he feels so sad about me. Moreover it was uncomfortable for me because he looked through my charade. I like to have control about such things and it hurt me that he knew I am only acting.
I think I have an idea how he could look through my protection. He has to make an assessment for me. I think he once implied that he has to know how my former therapist argumented. It is really likely he talked to the therapist who thought I gonna kill myself. I was very depressed to that time. She was not a good therapist. Though the conclusion that I will kill myself is probably right. At the end we just agreed on it. That the result will be suicide. She was really quite stupid and incompetent. She made a lot of faults. But as I said the conclusion might be right.
She told me and I paraphrase it. There is no sense in fighting on. It would be easier for you to give up and let things happen. You would have to change your whole personality in order of being able to work. (This argument was quite stupid.) I could ask another therapist if he wants to work with you but don't hold on hope they are really busy. It is likely you might need to a clinic soon. (She thought I would turn severely depressed which in fact also happened. This whole thing happened after I was fired. These two therapists thought I gonna kill myself inter alia due to poverty. This is probably true though.)
I have noticed during the last appoinment he repeated a little bit the argumentation of my former therapist. This is a hint that my theory could be right. I think I might have given consent to this exchange some time ago.
I feel really uncomfortable he knows the truth. He said some corny compliments to me. That I am a very strong person. (Probably because I am often only pretending I am doing fine.) He subtly asked whether I am blaming him on for my mental hell. I only disagreed with one diagnosis but this was the only thing. Oh and I had to rate my emotions recently. The result is that I have quite high anxiety. I think he could interpret this as anxiety about my coming inevitable suicide. Which has some truth in it.
I am quite scared about the next appoinment. I absolutely don't want that he notices that I cried due to his sadness. The next appointment could get really emotional. Maybe I try to explain it with some humor and irony. But I can't hold that up I know that. I will probably have to show that I am a little bit emotional about this whole situation. I probably try to gloss over it. It is true we really made some progess. I am way less socially awkward since I trained it with him. I really like that. But we were not able to fulfill the miracle which I would need to avoid my suicide. I have anxiety about next week. Maybe he cancels therapy because of this. This would hurt a lot to be honest. This would hurt a lot.
The way how my therapist looked at me had a huge emotional impact on me. But I only recognized that afterwards. I like him. He is not the one to be blamed for my hellish life. He tried as good as possible. My therapists can't solve my problems I know that. I am pretty much a mental wreck. I cried a lot because he looked so sad at me. I don't want that he feels so sad about me. Moreover it was uncomfortable for me because he looked through my charade. I like to have control about such things and it hurt me that he knew I am only acting.
I think I have an idea how he could look through my protection. He has to make an assessment for me. I think he once implied that he has to know how my former therapist argumented. It is really likely he talked to the therapist who thought I gonna kill myself. I was very depressed to that time. She was not a good therapist. Though the conclusion that I will kill myself is probably right. At the end we just agreed on it. That the result will be suicide. She was really quite stupid and incompetent. She made a lot of faults. But as I said the conclusion might be right.
She told me and I paraphrase it. There is no sense in fighting on. It would be easier for you to give up and let things happen. You would have to change your whole personality in order of being able to work. (This argument was quite stupid.) I could ask another therapist if he wants to work with you but don't hold on hope they are really busy. It is likely you might need to a clinic soon. (She thought I would turn severely depressed which in fact also happened. This whole thing happened after I was fired. These two therapists thought I gonna kill myself inter alia due to poverty. This is probably true though.)
I have noticed during the last appoinment he repeated a little bit the argumentation of my former therapist. This is a hint that my theory could be right. I think I might have given consent to this exchange some time ago.
I feel really uncomfortable he knows the truth. He said some corny compliments to me. That I am a very strong person. (Probably because I am often only pretending I am doing fine.) He subtly asked whether I am blaming him on for my mental hell. I only disagreed with one diagnosis but this was the only thing. Oh and I had to rate my emotions recently. The result is that I have quite high anxiety. I think he could interpret this as anxiety about my coming inevitable suicide. Which has some truth in it.
I am quite scared about the next appoinment. I absolutely don't want that he notices that I cried due to his sadness. The next appointment could get really emotional. Maybe I try to explain it with some humor and irony. But I can't hold that up I know that. I will probably have to show that I am a little bit emotional about this whole situation. I probably try to gloss over it. It is true we really made some progess. I am way less socially awkward since I trained it with him. I really like that. But we were not able to fulfill the miracle which I would need to avoid my suicide. I have anxiety about next week. Maybe he cancels therapy because of this. This would hurt a lot to be honest. This would hurt a lot.
