My anxoeria has finally taken over my entire life

[FireFox]

I have been abusing laxatives since my early 20s and now I am 27. After abusing laxatives my heart rate feels so weak, I feel it struggling and I have no energy. My stomach keeps being runny.

My body, thoughts and words no longer feels under my control but under the control of something else, a darker entity. Everyday I feel it. Its a meancing presence that won't go away.

Having an eating disorder along with suicidal thoughts feels like having a doppelganger within you that stalks, shadows your life and slowly works to steal everything good you have in your life until it finally takes over your life.

As grow older I realise now people die from suicide not because their bodies succumbed to the illness but because the illness, the doppelganger won in taking total dominance of that person's body, mind and soul.

I like the pain because it's numbs all the emotional pain I am feeling. This condition will kill me and I have accepted that. I did go through a period of recovery in 2022 and I had a beautiful life. For the 1st time I wanted to live. It was a magical year I look with nostalgia and I question will I ever have those great times again in my life.

In 2022 I had the most amazing holiday in Venice then after returning from travelling I secured a higher paying job in a large housing corporation. Winter was so magical it was snowy where I lived and I went to the park during my lunch break. I fell in love with an older man in his 50s who made me feel so special in a way no man has ever done and I had the most amazing Christmas ever. It all came crashing down rapidly last year.

 

[athiestjoe]

I am so sorry you are in so much pain & suffering, the world can be so cruel and unjust. I wish I had a magic wand and just erase all the pain from you or bear the pains for you so you could be relieved of it.

We are all here for you and thanks for being so vulnerable with us in this post.

With whatever you decide, I hope you find everything you are looking for and get whatever peace & serenity you seek.

 

[FireFox]

I am so sorry you are in so much pain & suffering, the world can be so cruel and unjust. I wish I had a magic wand and just erase all the pain from you or bear the pains for you so you could be relieved of it.

We are all here for you and thanks for being so vulnerable with us in this post.

With whatever you decide, I hope you find everything you are looking for and get whatever peace & serenity you seek.

@athiestjoe One of the worst things about mental illness is nobody sees how hard a person really tried to give themselves a good life and not let the illness win.

I would be alive today if the events of last year didn't happen. Before it all went wrong my life was actually beginning to get better. I know 100% if NONE of the events i went through last year happened to me right now I would be living my best life and having a life without anoxeria and suicidal thoughts.

I am sick of people telling me "everything happens for a reason". I hate that pharse so fucking much because the events of last year put me on the pathway of suicide which is now inevitable.

 

[excinephile]

Same here, sudden misfortune destroyed what has been for the first time an upward curve in my life. I don't know if it happened "for a reason" but if it did the reason was to prevent me from ever experiencing true happiness. I have been so close though.

 

[FireFox]

Same here, sudden misfortune destroyed what has been for the first time an upward curve in my life. I don't know if it happened "for a reason" but if it did the reason was to prevent me from ever experiencing true happiness. I have been so close though.

@excinephile virtual hug you deserved so much better.

Non mentally ill people think it's so easy to see a therapist and shallow some anti depressants and then magically get better. These people just don't get it how hard a suicidal and depressed person really tries to live, achieve recovery and find freedom from their illness.

If seeing a therapist and taking antidepressants was so easy we would all be doing it. Nobody wants to live a life of being mentally tormented to the point death is the only relief from the pain