wastingpotential
drowning, always.
- Feb 8, 2023
- 131
hi everyone, honestly i tried a few times before to write this story down and post it here sooner but i didn't. but i feel like the more time that passes the more that moment feels unreal, like it was just a dream, so i wanna speak it now before it possibly fully dissociates from my mind.
happened back in november, second half of 2023 had really fucked me over (previous posts of mine detail it more, just wanna focus on my experience in this post) but to add more context - i have some form of an eating disorder that still affects me to this day, and i had been relapsing hard on it back when this happened because i was so miserable in every way possible.
i had spent every other day either completely starving, or eating only one meal a day and sometimes not even finishing that, that on top of my depression made me feel like an absolute walking corpse, i barely had the energy to stand.
i also smoke pretty much whatever i get my hands on - cigarettes, vapes, weed particularly, and on that day i wasn't thinking smart and went out to smoke weed with an acquaintance of mine.
they drove us to this one area, a really high hill and in one place there was a spot you could sit at that basically almost looked like a staircase made of rocks with barbed wire atop of it, you just had to park and cross the road to get to it.
sorry about the god awful explanation, i really dunno how else to describe it and my brain still feels fuzzy trying to recall most of it.
acquaintance gets the weed out, and begins to smoke while i'm staring at the beautiful sunset in front of me and overlooking the city, they pass the joint to me, and normally i shotgun every time i hit it, so i lost how many inhales i took from the get-go, but instantly started to feel more tired than i had the whole day.
i had been standing on maybe the second staircase? and the gaps between them were pretty high, i hated climbing them because my oversized clothes either got stuck on the barbed wire or my odd fear of heights would kick in.
it all happened so quickly and so slowly after, i had lost consciousness a minute or two later and fell backwards, hitting my forehead on the rocks before falling fully onto the road, i can't even remember when i had fully passed out, or when my forehead hit the rocks, when my body collapsed on the ground.
all i knew was the feeling of a very, very warm blackness, almost gel-like, pouring itself over me, it felt so addicting, like i never wanted to leave it, even retelling this right now is giving me a tingly feeling of it (and a headache).
the last thing i can recall is what felt like a warm hug, it was so big and fuzzy almost i described it after as being hugged by a bear lol, but thinking back, a part of me really really really fucking hopes that if an afterlife is real and/or spirits can watch over you, i hope the fuzzy hug was coming from my two cats who i was separated from last year and then got the news they had passed not long after.
my acquaintance told me after, this i can't recall cause i was in my warm state of darkness, that apparently a large jeep was heading its way, circling around the corner to where i was, maybe it had seen me midair? or it managed to catch on to my body already laying on the ground, but i was told it swerved incredibly fast to bypass me before my acquaintance jumped down to check on me and carry me back to the car, waking me up and trying to get me to keep talking and stay conscious the whole drive through.
i begged them not to take me to a hospital and i'd be fine because i did not need anybody to know about this and nag me about it, i already felt awful that they had to see me in such a state and then basically nurse me back to minimum health before anyone else could see me. got food and energy bars and drinks, was force-fed most of it when all i wanted to do was go back to sleep, kept describing it as the best nap i ever took and was offended to have been woken up from it LOL
for the next twenty-four hours of misery and headache and trying to recover quietly, it felt like every time my eyes went droopy and my body got tired again, i knew the difference between wanting to fall asleep and death knocking on my doorstep, so i tried to distract myself for most of it by talking to whoever i could contact, watching things, then falling asleep near said acquaintance as a safety precaution for half the night.
as suicidal as i have and had been last year, i felt i couldn't let it take me now because of the amount of shame and guilt i felt to be seen that way, and i didn't want to hurt this person more than i probably had by passing away right after they did so much to help me, no matter how stubborn i was that whole fucking night
thats basically it. i apologize if things are poorly written or described, tried my best to recall the events of it and i think for now i got the important parts, if anything else comes up in my head, i'll leave them in the replies maybe.
if you read through this all, i appreciate you hearing me out, and i wish you the best going forward in life no matter what decisions you make.
hugs.
happened back in november, second half of 2023 had really fucked me over (previous posts of mine detail it more, just wanna focus on my experience in this post) but to add more context - i have some form of an eating disorder that still affects me to this day, and i had been relapsing hard on it back when this happened because i was so miserable in every way possible.
i had spent every other day either completely starving, or eating only one meal a day and sometimes not even finishing that, that on top of my depression made me feel like an absolute walking corpse, i barely had the energy to stand.
i also smoke pretty much whatever i get my hands on - cigarettes, vapes, weed particularly, and on that day i wasn't thinking smart and went out to smoke weed with an acquaintance of mine.
they drove us to this one area, a really high hill and in one place there was a spot you could sit at that basically almost looked like a staircase made of rocks with barbed wire atop of it, you just had to park and cross the road to get to it.
sorry about the god awful explanation, i really dunno how else to describe it and my brain still feels fuzzy trying to recall most of it.
acquaintance gets the weed out, and begins to smoke while i'm staring at the beautiful sunset in front of me and overlooking the city, they pass the joint to me, and normally i shotgun every time i hit it, so i lost how many inhales i took from the get-go, but instantly started to feel more tired than i had the whole day.
i had been standing on maybe the second staircase? and the gaps between them were pretty high, i hated climbing them because my oversized clothes either got stuck on the barbed wire or my odd fear of heights would kick in.
it all happened so quickly and so slowly after, i had lost consciousness a minute or two later and fell backwards, hitting my forehead on the rocks before falling fully onto the road, i can't even remember when i had fully passed out, or when my forehead hit the rocks, when my body collapsed on the ground.
all i knew was the feeling of a very, very warm blackness, almost gel-like, pouring itself over me, it felt so addicting, like i never wanted to leave it, even retelling this right now is giving me a tingly feeling of it (and a headache).
the last thing i can recall is what felt like a warm hug, it was so big and fuzzy almost i described it after as being hugged by a bear lol, but thinking back, a part of me really really really fucking hopes that if an afterlife is real and/or spirits can watch over you, i hope the fuzzy hug was coming from my two cats who i was separated from last year and then got the news they had passed not long after.
my acquaintance told me after, this i can't recall cause i was in my warm state of darkness, that apparently a large jeep was heading its way, circling around the corner to where i was, maybe it had seen me midair? or it managed to catch on to my body already laying on the ground, but i was told it swerved incredibly fast to bypass me before my acquaintance jumped down to check on me and carry me back to the car, waking me up and trying to get me to keep talking and stay conscious the whole drive through.
i begged them not to take me to a hospital and i'd be fine because i did not need anybody to know about this and nag me about it, i already felt awful that they had to see me in such a state and then basically nurse me back to minimum health before anyone else could see me. got food and energy bars and drinks, was force-fed most of it when all i wanted to do was go back to sleep, kept describing it as the best nap i ever took and was offended to have been woken up from it LOL
for the next twenty-four hours of misery and headache and trying to recover quietly, it felt like every time my eyes went droopy and my body got tired again, i knew the difference between wanting to fall asleep and death knocking on my doorstep, so i tried to distract myself for most of it by talking to whoever i could contact, watching things, then falling asleep near said acquaintance as a safety precaution for half the night.
as suicidal as i have and had been last year, i felt i couldn't let it take me now because of the amount of shame and guilt i felt to be seen that way, and i didn't want to hurt this person more than i probably had by passing away right after they did so much to help me, no matter how stubborn i was that whole fucking night
thats basically it. i apologize if things are poorly written or described, tried my best to recall the events of it and i think for now i got the important parts, if anything else comes up in my head, i'll leave them in the replies maybe.
if you read through this all, i appreciate you hearing me out, and i wish you the best going forward in life no matter what decisions you make.
hugs.
