burninghill
Member
- Dec 2, 2025
- 85
6 months ago, I'd have told you theres absolutely no fucking chance I'm turning 20.
My birthday in late April and I'm still here. I told myself I'd stay alive for my sisters first concert (which I am escorting her to because our mum has become disabled and can't), the concert is in 3 days.
I'm still suicidal and depressed, nothing has really gotten better. I keep repeating this cycle of feeling violently suicidal for a few months, then returning to numbness. I'm in the numb part again. I remember telling myself in the peak of my suicidality that if the cycle ever repeated that I had to kill myself regardless because I'll always be suicidal again. It's not that easy, unfortunately.
I'm trying to make a plan and arrange dates to hold myself accountable to. I'm going to go for one last hurrah on a solo trip for my 20th.
I was supposed to invite all my friends over and go camping with them, but I've lost all my friends since my last two attempts due to self isolation and their lack of forgiveness. They're also terrible people. My point being that I'm very alone. Sometimes I stay awake at night thinking about how much better things would be if I could sit in the park with someone, smoke and tell them all my thoughts. I know I'm still young, connections are still yet to be made, but I'm so lonely. I'm also terrible at upholding relationships. I tend to ruin them.
That turned into a bit of a ramble, but my point is that... hey, I'll somehow be seeing my 20th birthday.
My birthday in late April and I'm still here. I told myself I'd stay alive for my sisters first concert (which I am escorting her to because our mum has become disabled and can't), the concert is in 3 days.
I'm still suicidal and depressed, nothing has really gotten better. I keep repeating this cycle of feeling violently suicidal for a few months, then returning to numbness. I'm in the numb part again. I remember telling myself in the peak of my suicidality that if the cycle ever repeated that I had to kill myself regardless because I'll always be suicidal again. It's not that easy, unfortunately.
I'm trying to make a plan and arrange dates to hold myself accountable to. I'm going to go for one last hurrah on a solo trip for my 20th.
I was supposed to invite all my friends over and go camping with them, but I've lost all my friends since my last two attempts due to self isolation and their lack of forgiveness. They're also terrible people. My point being that I'm very alone. Sometimes I stay awake at night thinking about how much better things would be if I could sit in the park with someone, smoke and tell them all my thoughts. I know I'm still young, connections are still yet to be made, but I'm so lonely. I'm also terrible at upholding relationships. I tend to ruin them.
That turned into a bit of a ramble, but my point is that... hey, I'll somehow be seeing my 20th birthday.
