TAW122
Emissary of the right to die.
- Aug 30, 2018
- 6,820
So 2020 is here and a lot of things suck. Yes there are some things from the past, but as a whole, things have been getting progressively worse for me (environmental, personal, and all around). I don't want "help" (as in seeking professional help or medication - that's another thread altogether) for it. I want real solutions and if there are none, or if I fail to rectify them, then I am going to CTB sooner than I'd like. 2019 was sort of a rocky year with ups and downs, then in December, things gradually gotten worse for me, starting from having to move from my previous location/living arrangement, then personal relations with someone I held in high regard for, and then of course my anxiety related issues as well as Aspergers (lifelong condition). In the past, my life wasn't easy and I didn't really enjoy life in general, on a good day, I'm about as apathetic and nonchalant as usual, nothing really impresses or amuses me much, and if it did, it was fleeting. I have had good experiences, but there are also quite a lot of shitty experiences in life as well that has pushed me to the point where I wished I died instead of being alive.
So with all that said, here are the things are pushing me towards CTB'ing, or in other words, suicide fuel for me.
1) My Aspergers condition and social anxiety has always fucked me up. I would be more than glad to trade away a part of my logic skills and developmental disorder just to be able to get around and enjoy life a bit more. I never experienced what and how most NT (neurotypicals) lived, so there is a small part of me that wondered what that 'experience' is. On the more rational part of me decides that it was probably overrated and just lame, nothing special, a lot of background noise (maybe it's my cognitive dissonance and sour grapes fallacy kicking in.).
2) Then I suddenly start to have performance related anxiety that fucks with my hobbies. I have studied and played the piano for over two decades (most of my life), took lessons for almost a decade as well as attended countless studio and masterclasses, been to many performances and even studied with a world class musician. However, with all that going for me, it is all in vain due to my performance anxiety that started to creep up in my early to mid 20's, and progressively getting worse. I have just experienced it when even trying to record some covers and had to do many, many takes just to get it to the quality that I find acceptable/satisfied with. Even then, I still think it is still not that great (not so much missed notes, maybe one or two here and there, but some rhythm, phrasing, and clarity/cleaniness in sound). It has fucked with me so much that even when I play in front of someone or try to record, I just end up blanking out and it's as if I never practiced at all. But the thing is when I practiced alone, in the privacy of a practice room, a empty hall, or even in the living room, I never lost control nor focus. In fact, over a decade ago, I never had this anxiety problem before, and played nearly flawlessly, with really tight focus.
3) My relations with a ladyfriend that has helped me through 2019 (and some before) has made a turn for the worse. Some of the things were outside of my control and then of course, she is unpredictable and has her own things going on in her life, so there's that. However, she has made a 180 degree turn to something that is not really tenable for me. Her conduct is unbecoming and there is no excuse for her to lash out at me for no reason. I have never been offensive nor rude to her, yet when something sets her off, she goes off on a verbal tirade and she has become the last straw for me when it comes to relations with people. Also, another thing that irks me is when she misguided and misunderstands what I have to say, it's so annoying and unhelpful. I could go into more details, but I will just leave it at that.
4) As a result of #1, I am just so sick of people ghosting, playing dumb, and generally just ostracizing me and treating me as some outcast. This isn't the strongest reason for wanting to CTB, but it is still suifuel due to how people have treated me and then feigning ignorance or denial of any wrongs or transgressions. They think they can get away with poor treatment and what not, then when I stand up for myself, I get shut down quickly and dismissed. Sometimes I just want to CTB just so they won't be able to push me around anymore, lie to me anymore, or any bullshit.
5) Existential crisis, and the fact that life pretty much sucks from the way forward. I am 29 years of age, I am not getting younger, yet I feel like I'm already 40+ or so. I'm not really physically fit or strong and my anxiety and Aspergers have fucked me up psychologically to which I am unable to get by easily in life, let alone be able to prosper on my own terms. I don't care about being a millionaire, having a big house, having a lot of wealth, or a really nice car, or luxury stuff. I just want to pursue my hobbies and goals in the way I like and be able to live as stress free as possible.
6) Also, the fact that here we are, in 2020, yet euthanasia and right-to-die is still illegal and prohibited in many parts of the world, and in most states in the US. Then, suicide prevention bullshit is still rampant in this day and age, with the psychiatric industry and mental health professionals digging their heels even deeper. They wonder why more and more people commit suicide, but their heads are so far up their asses that they refuse to acknowledge the state that society is in. They also peddle lots of mental health support, therapy, and meds, but never really the structural problems that lead up to the situations in which people CTB.
7) Personal grievances and being unable to fully come to terms or fully accept how things are. There are many examples I could give, but I'll just give one or two. I can't accept the illogical ways of people and how hypocritical the world is. One such instance would be when people say "don't worry about what others think" as in telling the worrier to ignore negative judgment from people and then the very same people continue to judge, scrutinize, and ridicule. One other example is virtue signals. I think virtue signals are just ways for people to boost their egos, get brownie points from their peers, while doing just about fuck all to help the actual person in need.
8) The fact that people are illogical and hypocritical and I am supposed to just "accept" it and if I question it, then somehow I am lambasted for it, and/or shunned for it socially. People have no good answers for some illogical and irrational things that they do. Sometimes there is no answer to "why" or how and it is just the way things are... I just have a hard time accepting it, so death would free me from having to be tormented by the irrational and illogical reasoning of others.
There are more, but these are just quite a few major suicidefuel events, things, reasons, that push me ever closer to CTB when the day comes.
So with all that said, here are the things are pushing me towards CTB'ing, or in other words, suicide fuel for me.
1) My Aspergers condition and social anxiety has always fucked me up. I would be more than glad to trade away a part of my logic skills and developmental disorder just to be able to get around and enjoy life a bit more. I never experienced what and how most NT (neurotypicals) lived, so there is a small part of me that wondered what that 'experience' is. On the more rational part of me decides that it was probably overrated and just lame, nothing special, a lot of background noise (maybe it's my cognitive dissonance and sour grapes fallacy kicking in.).
2) Then I suddenly start to have performance related anxiety that fucks with my hobbies. I have studied and played the piano for over two decades (most of my life), took lessons for almost a decade as well as attended countless studio and masterclasses, been to many performances and even studied with a world class musician. However, with all that going for me, it is all in vain due to my performance anxiety that started to creep up in my early to mid 20's, and progressively getting worse. I have just experienced it when even trying to record some covers and had to do many, many takes just to get it to the quality that I find acceptable/satisfied with. Even then, I still think it is still not that great (not so much missed notes, maybe one or two here and there, but some rhythm, phrasing, and clarity/cleaniness in sound). It has fucked with me so much that even when I play in front of someone or try to record, I just end up blanking out and it's as if I never practiced at all. But the thing is when I practiced alone, in the privacy of a practice room, a empty hall, or even in the living room, I never lost control nor focus. In fact, over a decade ago, I never had this anxiety problem before, and played nearly flawlessly, with really tight focus.
3) My relations with a ladyfriend that has helped me through 2019 (and some before) has made a turn for the worse. Some of the things were outside of my control and then of course, she is unpredictable and has her own things going on in her life, so there's that. However, she has made a 180 degree turn to something that is not really tenable for me. Her conduct is unbecoming and there is no excuse for her to lash out at me for no reason. I have never been offensive nor rude to her, yet when something sets her off, she goes off on a verbal tirade and she has become the last straw for me when it comes to relations with people. Also, another thing that irks me is when she misguided and misunderstands what I have to say, it's so annoying and unhelpful. I could go into more details, but I will just leave it at that.
4) As a result of #1, I am just so sick of people ghosting, playing dumb, and generally just ostracizing me and treating me as some outcast. This isn't the strongest reason for wanting to CTB, but it is still suifuel due to how people have treated me and then feigning ignorance or denial of any wrongs or transgressions. They think they can get away with poor treatment and what not, then when I stand up for myself, I get shut down quickly and dismissed. Sometimes I just want to CTB just so they won't be able to push me around anymore, lie to me anymore, or any bullshit.
5) Existential crisis, and the fact that life pretty much sucks from the way forward. I am 29 years of age, I am not getting younger, yet I feel like I'm already 40+ or so. I'm not really physically fit or strong and my anxiety and Aspergers have fucked me up psychologically to which I am unable to get by easily in life, let alone be able to prosper on my own terms. I don't care about being a millionaire, having a big house, having a lot of wealth, or a really nice car, or luxury stuff. I just want to pursue my hobbies and goals in the way I like and be able to live as stress free as possible.
6) Also, the fact that here we are, in 2020, yet euthanasia and right-to-die is still illegal and prohibited in many parts of the world, and in most states in the US. Then, suicide prevention bullshit is still rampant in this day and age, with the psychiatric industry and mental health professionals digging their heels even deeper. They wonder why more and more people commit suicide, but their heads are so far up their asses that they refuse to acknowledge the state that society is in. They also peddle lots of mental health support, therapy, and meds, but never really the structural problems that lead up to the situations in which people CTB.
7) Personal grievances and being unable to fully come to terms or fully accept how things are. There are many examples I could give, but I'll just give one or two. I can't accept the illogical ways of people and how hypocritical the world is. One such instance would be when people say "don't worry about what others think" as in telling the worrier to ignore negative judgment from people and then the very same people continue to judge, scrutinize, and ridicule. One other example is virtue signals. I think virtue signals are just ways for people to boost their egos, get brownie points from their peers, while doing just about fuck all to help the actual person in need.
8) The fact that people are illogical and hypocritical and I am supposed to just "accept" it and if I question it, then somehow I am lambasted for it, and/or shunned for it socially. People have no good answers for some illogical and irrational things that they do. Sometimes there is no answer to "why" or how and it is just the way things are... I just have a hard time accepting it, so death would free me from having to be tormented by the irrational and illogical reasoning of others.
There are more, but these are just quite a few major suicidefuel events, things, reasons, that push me ever closer to CTB when the day comes.
Last edited:
