Mustering up the courage/My plan and situation

[777]

Hi everyone. Let me explain my current situation before I get into my method, plan, and final agenda before I finally CTB. I'm currently 18 years old, soon to turn nineteen in approximately three weeks. I have been hospitalized, been sent to treatment centers, and have been to group therapy/individual therapy many times throughout my teenage years. I am no longer a teenager, and I finally want to do my best to end my life on my terms. This last year has been especially anxiety inducing for me due to racking up criminal charges, being on a current probationary program, and being very alone. I unfortunately went through psychosis at the end of 2021, and I ended up becoming somewhat of a recluse who has minimal social interaction, and is extremely anxious to do so. It is absolute torture. I sometimes can't even talk to the people that I've known for years and used to be very comfortable with. I could confide in others, share openly, and had such a warm personality. I have changed substantially to be honest. I stay in my room and indulge in movies, fast food, and pornography on a daily basis. I have a job as a pizza delivery driver though which is nice because it kind of gives me breaks in the cycle of reclusiveness. Anyway, my life has been derailed due to psychosis, depression, permeating anxiety symptoms, and a wish to die that pervades me on a daily basis. Can't even smoke a little bit of weed to calm me down. Regardless, I have come to the conclusion that I want to end everything pretty soon (early 2023). I care how it affects my family, but not enough to abstain from actually attempting. I am planning on making a fatal opioid & benzo concoction that would undoubtedly have me incapacitated and dead. I have money and the resources to accomplish this. Every other method seems so damn painful. I'd prefer to die in a peaceful state and completely unaware whilst listening to this special playlist I created (gladly taking music recommendations lol). The only problem I truly have is having SI foil my plans and I just want to muster up the courage to do so. I feel like it's really equivalent to dropping into a bowl on a skateboard, if you overthink it you are less likely to actually go through with it. The things that prevent me and ultimately make me abstain have to be the potential of a terrible afterlife, and surviving an attempt and living in a vegetative state. Would love some encouragement and to those that no longer fear death, please share your wisdom on why I shouldn't fear it. Thank you. Love this community btw.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Well, I'm a recluse, also, so I know how it feels. I only leave to go to the stores, and I must say even that is getting harder. I don't have anyone. I can't comment on your method as I really don't know anything about either of those drugs. I hope you have done your homework on them and their likelihood of success. I guess whatever method we choose, it is on us to investigate it's pros and cons. Anyway, I'm not at all religious, so don't worry about any afterlife. I under stand what Faith is, but I see no proof of anything other than here, except the word of man, and we all know how fallible man is. I guess I'm just someone who can only go by what they can see, hear, taste, touch, and smell. The other thing for me is, and I'm not intending to offend you in any way, but the other thing is even if there is a god, I would be unable to get behind him/her/they because of this world and all of the suffering that is allowed to endure on its inhabitants. It just doesn't make sense to me. All I can go by, really, are my own thoughts and inclinations, the biggest one being that if I were the one to create a place like this, I would NEVER allow such suffering to occur. Even at the most basic level, this is a world where many living things need to kill other living things, simply so they, themselves, can live. That in and of itself is horrific in my mind. Who would create such a place? Only a sadistic creep, IMO. No, I don't' believe this place was created by any being. It simply is. It exists because it does exist. This is a world in which you have babies who are born with severe disease and abnormalities. How could that ever be right? Most of us know the difference between right and wrong, correct? Can you see a way that allowing that to happen would ever be right? No, this is just a shit-ass world that is shit-ass simply because it is shit-ass. If someone created this place, I want no part of them. I would never create a place like this. Doesn't that make me better than whoever created it, assuming some being did? Nope, I simply can't subscribe to that. That's why I think we go back to non-existence when we die. We were all created from microscopic cells that got together by accident. We grew and become who we are. When we die our bodies deteriorate back to the substances that helped create those microscopic cells in the first place. It's the cycle of life.

To each their own beliefs, though.

 

[777]

Well, I'm a recluse, also, so I know how it feels. I only leave to go to the stores, and I must say even that is getting harder. I don't have anyone. I can't comment on your method as I really don't know anything about either of those drugs. I hope you have done your homework on them and their likelihood of success. I guess whatever method we choose, it is on us to investigate it's pros and cons. Anyway, I'm not at all religious, so don't worry about any afterlife. I under stand what Faith is, but I see no proof of anything other than here, except the word of man, and we all know how fallible man is. I guess I'm just someone who can only go by what they can see, hear, taste, touch, and smell. The other thing for me is, and I'm not intending to offend you in any way, but the other thing is even if there is a god, I would be unable to get behind him/her/they because of this world and all of the suffering that is allowed to endure on its inhabitants. It just doesn't make sense to me. All I can go by, really, are my own thoughts and inclinations, the biggest one being that if I were the one to create a place like this, I would NEVER allow such suffering to occur. Even at the most basic level, this is a world where many living things need to kill other living things, simply so they, themselves, can live. That in and of itself is horrific in my mind. Who would create such a place? Only a sadistic creep, IMO. No, I don't' believe this place was created by any being. It simply is. It exists because it does exist. This is a world in which you have babies who are born with severe disease and abnormalities. How could that ever be right? Most of us know the difference between right and wrong, correct? Can you see a way that allowing that to happen would ever be right? No, this is just a shit-ass world that is shit-ass simply because it is shit-ass. If someone created this place, I want no part of them. I would never create a place like this. Doesn't that make me better than whoever created it, assuming some being did? Nope, I simply can't subscribe to that. That's why I think we go back to non-existence when we die. We were all created from microscopic cells that got together by accident. We grew and become who we are. When we die our bodies deteriorate back to the substances that helped create those microscopic cells in the first place. It's the cycle of life.

To each their own beliefs, though.

I am an agnostic. Don't believe in a God, but am open to the possibility of a divine presence, but that is difficult too given the amount of suffering that you mentioned. Appreciate your perspective on things. All I'm going to do is hope for the best and not let these thoughts of a shitty afterlife deter my efforts.

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds tiring what you have been through. I wish you freedom for when the time is right for you to leave.

In regards to the fear of death, I believe that death is something that should never be feared. There is no escaping our inevitable fate as humans anyway, we exist only to die and be forgotten. I've always found death to be comforting as I believe in permanent non existence after this where we wont even be aware that we are dead. Death shouldn't be feared as there is nothing to fear. All negative experiences and emotions only belong to the living and not the dead.

I've always seen life as being more scary personally with all it's endless cruelty and suffering. Life is nothing more than a cruel mistake, a burdensome concept which is completely unnecessary anyway. Death is freedom from all this which is why to die is ideal. Regular sleep could never compare due to the temporary nature of it and the presence of dreams. I believe the afterlife to be a fictional concept created by people who find the true meaningless nature of life hard to come to terms with as they fear insignificance. Fearing what we cannot control is essentially pointless.
But I do fear failing a ctb attempt and ending up with damage. The thought of that is horrifying. I guess all that anyone can do is plan their chosen method.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

All I'm going to do is hope for the best and not let these thoughts of a shitty afterlife deter my efforts.

That's really all anyone can do, isn't it? You know what always struck me as a little strange is how even devoutly religious people, facing dire health situations, fight like hell to not die. If there is a Heaven, and it's so good there, why fight so hard to stay here? You think they'd be happy to go there. But, no, even with cancer, most go through everything offered in the hopes that they will be cured and not die. Never made sense to me.

 

[lifeORdeath]

That's really all anyone can do, isn't it? You know what always struck me as a little strange is how even devoutly religious people, facing dire health situations, fight like hell to not die. If there is a Heaven, and it's so good there, why fight so hard to stay here? You think they'd be happy to go there. But, no, even with cancer, most go through everything offered in the hopes that they will be cured and not die. Never made sense to me.

I believe in Christ and have seen many Christians who have had cancer or other terminal illnesses, hanging on like you say.

They don't have hope for cure, usually once they know it uncurabke, much as anyone else. They still hVe feeling did anger or resentment and disbelief at times asking why me. They usually just don't do it in front of others, and it's usually between them and God.

They hang on to be with their families as long as they can bare. Giving every breath they have to be there for others. Many push beyond that suffering and pain threshold for the. Sake of others because most true Christians (not religious crazy holy rollers or thumpers) are more selfless than most would think..most are already prepared for life to end, and are ready, and accept the cards they've been dealt. They are still afraid at some degree, but believe they will see the other side and know if they are saved or not (accepted Christ, repented)

They fight for others, not for themselves. Note there are some religious folks that take advantage of this. But the objective for a Christian is to be Christ like. To be born again, dead to themselves, not of the world, etc . We all fall short. Not one is perfect. We all have free will.

Usually the families let them know it's ok to go and you'd be amazed at how fast they pass when they are sure their loved ones are ok as they can be considering..

I've seen God do some amazing things. I have also seen good people suffer, but those same good people didn't complain and had strength I could only wish for, knowing I am a wimp compared to them. Their strength wasn't from within themselves though.

With that said I am still suicidal at times because I am afraid, I am weak in faith and want to try to control things myself. I have made a mess of things of my own doing, wws given what I needed and more. And still got blinded and selfish and made bad choices that I regret. I hope to not pay for my bad choices dearly and learn from them instead from punishing myself, but there is always the chance of life catching up. Life humbled me quickly when faced with own fears and realization of what a jerk I had been and self centered fool I had been. It makes you want to change, but you know you can't do it alone. Also it makes me ashamed of my actions and thoughts. Some I can't control, some I could if I ask for help (not people help). I am quick to forget though, and wake up with doom and fear.

. But if I do pay I don't know how much I can take mentally, and I may be over the edge from it. I hope it doesn't come to this, but I. Have been that far before. It wasn't pretty. I'm still here for now. But I hVe my days, hours, moments, when I have the gut feeling the end is near for me.

I fight daily because I have people here that I feel need me here. As much as I'd like to hang it up and be done worrying and beating myself up. I have folks to look after. That until I am of no use to them or have for sure let them down and messed their lives up worse than I can provide for them, then I struggle to be here, even when it hurts me.

I hope they don't make the mistakes I made. I hope I can be better to them than folks were to me. I hope I haven't made mistakes that would cost them a lifetime of resentment and hatred, as I have seen folks on here say folks have screw their lives up and done

But I won't know if I don't wait to see, then I won't know (better or worse).. What's done is done. I just need to keep an exit in reserve should it be too much to bear. And even then there is no guarantee, but I will still try if it comes to it and I've seen what I need to see to know how much and when and where.