Mother's Day...

[Water-Lily]

I'm torn on what to do

Being that my mom is dead (and even if she was alive I likely wouldnt celebrate) I am unsure of what to "do"

I fear being asked obnoxious "what are you doing for mothers day" questions by people who can't understand its triggering for some

But for me, taking into the account the abuse dynamics that were at play all my life, I have this desire to check out certain subreddits

Subreddits that specialize in narcissistic abuse. Places that I know would not do me any good mentally and would only trigger me further, forcing me to face things I don't want to and shove it down my throat

It will, on all accounts, just be another form of self harm that I don't need. I am really struggling here

Hypothetically, if I could sit down with my mom in heaven and just have an honest talk about why she did so many things to me over tea and oookies, that could be an ideal mothers day

I do think of the last thing she wanted to do with me, before dying of cancer. And that was seeing Lion King on Broadway for my 21st birthday

Perhaps there was narcissism/continuation of the enmeshment at play. But I also think she wanted to genuinely celebrate

I dunno. I feel guilty for "loving" my mom

 

[unnormal9]

Fuck that.
Where's the day for disabled? and receiving that what a lot of us don't have, stability.
Nothing tangible. But you want me to support the harlequin that tossed me aside for being gay.
same with the adjacent day in July.

 

[Water-Lily]

Sometimes I like to believe my mom wanted to love me. In the things she did do, the things that made me feel whole

Video games, Broadway shows, baked breads, notes, etc…

Or maybe this is the trauma bond and these feelings aren't real/valid…

 

[silkwings]

I'm torn on what to do

Being that my mom is dead (and even if she was alive I likely wouldnt celebrate) I am unsure of what to "do"

I fear being asked obnoxious "what are you doing for mothers day" questions by people who can't understand its triggering for some

But for me, taking into the account the abuse dynamics that were at play all my life, I have this desire to check out certain subreddits

Subreddits that specialize in narcissistic abuse. Places that I know would not do me any good mentally and would only trigger me further, forcing me to face things I don't want to and shove it down my throat

It will, on all accounts, just be another form of self harm that I don't need. I am really struggling here

Hypothetically, if I could sit down with my mom in heaven and just have an honest talk about why she did so many things to me over tea and oookies, that could be an ideal mothers day

I do think of the last thing she wanted to do with me, before dying of cancer. And that was seeing Lion King on Broadway for my 21st birthday

Perhaps there was narcissism/continuation of the enmeshment at play. But I also think she wanted to genuinely celebrate

I dunno. I feel guilty for "loving" my mom

its alright that you still love your mom. even with everything she did to you. its more than normal and everyone on this forum is here to support you!
do any of your friends know that mothers day isnt easy for you? if they know not to ask them hopefully you wont have to hear the question, yk?
she's your mom and im sure she loves you. its okay to be upset or not celebrate mothers day but its also okay to celebrate even if shes not with you!! hoping the best for you

 

[Water-Lily]

its alright that you still love your mom. even with everything she did to you. its more than normal and everyone on this forum is here to support you!
do any of your friends know that mothers day isnt easy for you? if they know not to ask them hopefully you wont have to hear the question, yk?
she's your mom and im sure she loves you. its okay to be upset or not celebrate mothers day but its also okay to celebrate even if shes not with you!! hoping the best for you

thank you for your kind response
I sometimes wish she was here so I could talk to her...
I should probably write her a letter

 

[unnormal9]

everyone on this forum is here to support you!

Oblivious new user.

 

[Pluto]

I dunno. I feel guilty for "loving" my mom

The situation is full of difficult emotions. We bond extremely deeply with our parents/caregivers in early childhood, yet we also get massively affected by any mental illness that may corrupt their quality of caregiving. It affects us like a curse that impacts our everyday quality of life and seems impossible to heal. The result is a confused mixture of difficult and conflicting emotions towards the parents in question.

There's a saying in the disability community that might help here: "See the person, not the disability." In other words, see that any narcissism (which is effectively mental damage that prevents the brain from experiencing empathy for others) is a result of generational trauma dating back to yet more tragic events of her own childhood, passed on by the preceding generations. The same way we don't expect someone in a wheelchair to climb a tree, we can start to feel compassion knowing that she did her best while carrying a hidden behavioural burden.

The next step is emotion work for yourself. It is important to give yourself permission to feel every emotion, no matter how uncomfortable. There may be a profound love for your mother. An intense rage. A vast ocean of sadness. Deep shame and guilt. Do not judge what comes up, and do not attempt to evade, repress or distract yourself from embracing these feelings at any stage. Let tears flow, punch pillows, whatever you have to do. This is your own wounded inner child that needs to be held close in order to eventually reach a stage of peace.

Beyond this, if you have an open mind, we can talk about the place where your mother is at now. (Note: Disregard this bit if it goes against your beliefs.) A spiritual teacher that I trust had a near-death experience in which she came into contact with a deceased grandfather who had had bipolar, and had done something awful to her when she was a little girl. Seeing him without his sickness, she went from wanting no interaction with him to eventually viewing him as her biggest source of support.



I'd encourage you to write the letter, and hold nothing back. Hopefully she will give some sort of sign of acknowledgement. Let me know if you have any questions or I can help in any way.

 

[excelsior]

I'm sorry. I hope you're okay. I wish this would get better.