Discussion Most people seem to only want surface-level or transactional interactions.

[Dejected 55]

From my personal experience and observations of others... Most people seem to only be interested in the most basic, high-level, surface interactions. No real deep meaningful connections are even in play or on the table usually. They just want to go through a series of mental-checklist-items from the societal-approved things you are expected/supposed to say. I can talk to anyone for a short time in this way. People will be "open" to such conversation with complete strangers, as long as it is surface-level only. Even if you think you are "getting to know someone" you really aren't. They have only put on the table the most basic of things to continue that high-level conversation. So even if you have repeated interactions over time with the same person, you're really only having surface level conversations. IF you try to go deeper, either by offering more of yourself or expecting more from them... it goes south in a hurry most of the time, in my experience. And if I just observe others interacting with each other, I see the same thing... nobody ever goes very deep nor do they seem to want to. These surface-level interactions seem to have no point other than to fill time in the day to get to the next thing they need/have to do.

Meanwhile... longer "relationships" appear to be mostly transactional. They still are not technically deep in a meaningful way, but the person will interact more and talk longer IF they are getting something out of it that they need/want. So, if money is on the table, a person will spend more time interacting. Sometimes people do a thing like golfing or pickleball and they need a partner for that activity, so it is transactional for both of them... they need a partner to do the thing they want to do, but they really don't care for a meaningful friendship beyond that... so they transact the time together to each play the sport they want, then when that is over... they are done until the next time they both want the activity.

Similarly, "romantic" relationships really aren't romantic. Each person wants something from the other, and as long as both are getting what they want from the transaction, they will continue seeing each other... but at almost no point are there meaningful emotions being shared. In fact, if either tries or dares to show weakness or seek something real from the partnership, it almost immediately turns the other person off and the relationship is in trouble. Simple measurable transactions that each person can weigh against what they get for what they give seems to be all that is sustainable. Once that transaction breaks down, people have no trouble kicking someone to the curb without remorse and no looking back.

It's a sad state of affairs to me. I don't know how most people function like this. What is the point of living this way? It can't be long-term enjoyable. It can't be really fulfilling. It's like basically being alone with extra steps.

We have songs and poems and stories and movies and TV shows... all our popular forms of entertainment, that are built entirely upon deep connections and feelings shared... the stories all tell of people in deeper fulfilling situations so not only do the authors recognize and want these things but most people seem to recognize as well as they connect to the popular forms of entertainment that relate these longings for deeper connection. And yet... nobody who connects and enjoys these fictional accounts ever really tries to attain even a fraction of it in real life.

Fiction is exaggerated, sure... but people could actually form deeper meaningful relationships IF they wanted and behaved accordingly. But it's like everyone has just collectively agreed there is no point in trying. Whenever someone like me complains, I am told I place too much importance on others... that I should learn to be happy alone and see others as "bonus" or something of the kind... essentially, I am being told by people to give up the dream of deep connection because it is not attainable.

And to that I say... what's the point? Why live in this world when everyone is pretty much giving up on all the things that would make life worth living?

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm not so sure. So many people say they are lonely. That they want deeper connections. I just think it's rare to find people you entirely click with. I've only come across a handful of people like this for me but, it was magical when it happened. So effortless to talk to them. It could almost feel exciting at times- how good it was to be in their company. Not in a romantic way either. This was plutonic friendship but- best friendship.

There have also been people I started to get those feelings towards- who then put boundaries up- which is fair enough. We have to respect one another's needs. Some people have been so badly let down by friends that they become more closed off. Or, they already have a best friend and want to stay loyal to them. Or, they simply aren't looking for another close friendship. There could be lots of reasons.

My friendships were still transactional I'd say. But then- does that matter? It's really only saying that each person fulfills the other's needs. That's a good thing- surely? Would we want to be around a person so much, who doesn't so much or- doesn't at all? It's not to say there's anything wrong with them, or us- it's just it's not a good enough match. I think relationships/ friendships kind of have to be transactional- otherwise, we'd like everyone the same amount and it wouldn't feel like anything special.

There are incredible people out there who seem invested in a person- no matter who they are or, how much they have in common with them. I suppose people who love people. I wonder if those transactions are all that entirely genuine though- rather than just one person studying another.

Maybe you're right though. I haven't connected deeply with someone in real life for quite a while. I suppose I haven't been looking for that though. The problem with having someone you connect with so strongly is that to then lose that connection feels heartbreaking. I suppose I eventually figured it wasn't worth the upset after enough losses. Either through death or, just simply people moving and lives taking different, busy directions. It's a risk bearing your soul to another person.

Also, as we age- we may already have established friendships and relationships we feel loyal to. It may feel weird to talk to more of a stranger about deep and personal things. I suppose- if someone's needs are already being met elsewhere- they may not need or want to open up to others.

It's a risk too. Being so open with someone. Especially a stranger. Not everyone has good intentions. Some people end up regretting telling others personal stuff. Bad experiences can also teach us to be more guarded I think.

I'm not sure it's that people don't want to connect deeply always though. More, that there are maybe so many hurdles before people are compatible. Isn't the phrase: 'wavelengths'? Haven't you found some people are either more or less on your wavelength?

 

[CTB Dream]

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