I don't even know what occurs in my brain when I see evidence of a genuinely good person who happens to be a parent and treats their kids exactly as you should treat the beings you selfishly thrust into the world.
It's like shock and terror and envy all at the same time…it's a wave of "Damn..so they do exist, what the fuck is my life."
It's one thing to be dealt a rotten hand but quite another to have it rubbed in your face your whole life by the people who dealt it to you.
Just tonight I found out my absolute disgrace of a father (who I usually only allude to in comments and try to be very vague about any family members-now I don't give a fuck about protecting him) has been sabotaging me worse than I had previously suspected and somewhat known.
I have been in the worst, most vulnerable position the majority of my life but recently I've been drowning in the lowest of lows.
My father knows this.
I begged for compassion. And discretion.
But what did he do?
He decided to spit in the face of everything I suffer with..every conversation I've attempted to have with him..to go destroy the last semblance of dignity I had in the minds of others by going to a relative-who I always looked up to and felt comfort in quietly relating to at a distance-and just annihilated everything about me..told outright lies..conveniently omitted truths..painted himself as the victim, blamed me for issues and destruction he created all while throwing in a braggadocious comment about a random ass skill of his.
He left me catatonic after finding out.
My explanation does the deed no justice.
I am typing this hours later, unsure of what the hell I am supposed to do with this information.
Which is just the cherry on top of a fucking shitstorm of a life.
I have no recourse because of my circumstances and I've also never been the type to air my grievances on social media (even when it's anonymous, I'm usually still vague when it comes to family..I've always had a distaste for publicly throwing family members under the bus).
He threatened to call the police on me for telling him what I knew. He denied every single thing he said and kept telling me I was crazy and that he was going to call the police on me..for telling the fucking truth.
(He is a pathological liar and always has been one..you put evidence in front of his face and it doesn't phase him, he is certifiable..and I don't say that lightly).
..He poisoned one of the only relatives I thought I could relate to against me when in his words I am "not a person that exists" yet despises me, his own child, enough to do this.
I can't even begin to tell the whole story and/repeat all that he said.
(I also found out this is not the first time he has done this.)
But to give you an idea..this is the same person who has said things like "she should have been smashed in the face when she was younger" (said numerous variations of this) and "that thing, that shit licking pig fucker" (referring to me..I never fucked anything btw).
Has called me an "IT" multiple times, has called me evil for so much as eating one of his snacks, has tried to turn my own mother against me (despite them being long divorced..because of how horrible he is) and did the same with my siblings whenever he got the chance.
He has tried to stop me from ending my suffering while actively contributing to/causing it.
My father has been the biggest bully of my life yet acts like he was a force against other people who mistreated me..when he was not.
This POS even tried to turn my own teachers against me (as a child) when I had to leave school due to being bullied so severely..he tried to make them think I was "bad" and this and that unsavory adjective.
All while pretending to be acting in my favor.
This is a guy who threatens to shoot and kill basically anybody, wishes harm on even a kind, elderly woman who stumbles down the street.
An in-law had a fucking restraining order out against him (and I actually defended him and thought the in-law was over doing it/out of line..because he is usually only bark and not bite..unless he is biting his own immediate family in the ass).
He has hit and terrified animals/family pets in the same breath that he says he "can't stand to see a creature suffer".
Even if they're sickly, he will call them all types of names and terrorize them..even withhold food as punishment.
But at least he treats them better than me.
Me-someone who has tried to show empathy toward him even whilst being admonished and derided, verbally and psychologically punched in the gut repeatedly with no earthly means of getting back up.
This man has destroyed most decent household appliances and has punched/kicked at least 30 (def more) holes into the family home and is more than willing to blame it on any and everyone else that lived there (aka his own children and ex wife).
He wanted that relative I spoke of to come into the house and see it..most people who destroyed their own house would be terrified of visitors. But not him. Because he will blame everyone else and play victim.
He has hit himself in the head probably 500 or more times in the last decade and punched himself in the face, even used tools once to do it..then said it was everyone else's fault.
"Poor me this, oh poor me that, my suffering is supreme suffering and I am KING sufferer of the universe-none of you would even be alive if it wasn't for me!!" (I told him I wish I wasn't fucking alive..so..)
He throws tantrums like a 5 year old up to ten times a day.
I'm unfortunately not even exaggerating anymore (used to be multiple times a week, now multiple times a day).
He smashes and shakes the entire foundation of the home as he plummets his feet into the floors and walls.
He has rushed me, physically intimidated me, got up within an inch of my face and demanded that I punch him in the face "HIT ME. HIT ME" he screeched like a fucking maniac.
When I was younger, he would torment me and then take away all lines of communication for me to contact anyone else for assistance. Blocked the doors with his own body.
He even taunted me about killing myself.."why haven't you done it yet", he asks.
And then some.
(Half the reason is because he possesses so much humiliating and twistable material on me that I have to destroy it all before I pass, so that he has very little to continue on with his sabotage of me over my dead body. He will do anything to protect himself from blame..whether I am dead or alive.)
That's not even scratching the surface of the type of person he is. Yet what I found a few hours ago left me in a sobbing, screaming, disorientated, desperate mess..something I am no stranger to in general.
Still..it's telling, that as awful as I knew he was, I was left inconsolable after finding out he was that much worse..
I still don't abide by the bunk paradigm of mental illness/mental disorders.
Only agree that suffering and trauma cause mental distress and certain behaviors to cope.
(Labels were also used against me, to dismiss my valid plights and coping mechanisms by my father countless times, including while he sabotaged me this past night).
But Jesus Christ..if there ever was a pathological malignant narcissist..he'd set a prime example.
I can be sure in stating that if he dropped dead right now, the only feeling I would have would be the urge to spit on his corpse and kick him while he was down as he has done to me a thousand times over.
I wish the man would perish so I could die in some meager manner of peace.
But he won't, and he has already cornered me into a travesty of a reputation..worse humiliation and dehumanization than I had to contend with already…I don't even know what else to say.
Sorry for hijacking this thread to ramble..I'm just beside myself, yet again..
I am so sorry you also have to deal with such horrible shit parents. It's a nightmare..and far worse if you're already in an inherently fucked and vulnerable position that leaves you dependent or perpetually at their mercy.
