Insomniac Butterfly
Sad
- Mar 24, 2025
- 21
I try to come up with all these convoluted excuses why I can't live when the real reason is I just don't want to. I wish that were acceptable to feel and say.
I've always tried to convince myself I do want to live, because of course I do, but that's only what I've been told to want by everyone else.
I don't want anything for myself, really.
I don't have the energy to go through with the game of life just because my place in said game makes a few other people more comfortable.
They're trying to keep me alive, and provide everything for me, but I don't want to be that drain on them.. I can't even feel grateful..
I'm thankful for the sentiment in those actions, but it feels spiteful how much they wish to keep me here despite knowing how much it hurts for me to be here as me.
I really don't believe this world has a place for someone like me. How could it? This world is for the ones that are trying to live and coexist.
I don't want to take up resources in any capacity.
Not space.
Not time.
Not currency.
Not love.
These things are rightfully everyone's, but those rights come with many hidden stipulations and expectations. You don't earn them unless you play the game of life.
I'm tired of these expectations.
I never asked to be born.
I never asked for any of this.
I remember being 5 or 6 years old, and still feeling similarly. That I don't want this. I feel so angry that I'm expected to pay for the life I've been forcefully gifted.
I feel cheated. I've gotten such a shitty hand, but I'm not off the hook. Not at all. I'm really expected to work even harder to get out of it because of all my bad luck with mental illnesses and terrible parents.
I wish I didn't feel this way.
I wish people wouldn't censor or deny my feelings.
When they say I do want to live deep down they refuse to even look at the real me.
I wish I could want and treasure this broken life. So many would do anything for it.
I'm tired of me.
I wish there was another way out.
I feel such melancholy and sick anticipation for my coming due date.
I never did anything in life besides hide away as a mute agoraphobic kid that no one paid any attention to, and now I'm the same as an adult.
I loathe the thought of all these people around me trying to claim my life and death meant something, when they couldnt even face the real me.
I've always tried to convince myself I do want to live, because of course I do, but that's only what I've been told to want by everyone else.
I don't want anything for myself, really.
I don't have the energy to go through with the game of life just because my place in said game makes a few other people more comfortable.
They're trying to keep me alive, and provide everything for me, but I don't want to be that drain on them.. I can't even feel grateful..
I'm thankful for the sentiment in those actions, but it feels spiteful how much they wish to keep me here despite knowing how much it hurts for me to be here as me.
I really don't believe this world has a place for someone like me. How could it? This world is for the ones that are trying to live and coexist.
I don't want to take up resources in any capacity.
Not space.
Not time.
Not currency.
Not love.
These things are rightfully everyone's, but those rights come with many hidden stipulations and expectations. You don't earn them unless you play the game of life.
I'm tired of these expectations.
I never asked to be born.
I never asked for any of this.
I remember being 5 or 6 years old, and still feeling similarly. That I don't want this. I feel so angry that I'm expected to pay for the life I've been forcefully gifted.
I feel cheated. I've gotten such a shitty hand, but I'm not off the hook. Not at all. I'm really expected to work even harder to get out of it because of all my bad luck with mental illnesses and terrible parents.
I wish I didn't feel this way.
I wish people wouldn't censor or deny my feelings.
When they say I do want to live deep down they refuse to even look at the real me.
I wish I could want and treasure this broken life. So many would do anything for it.
I'm tired of me.
I wish there was another way out.
I feel such melancholy and sick anticipation for my coming due date.
I never did anything in life besides hide away as a mute agoraphobic kid that no one paid any attention to, and now I'm the same as an adult.
I loathe the thought of all these people around me trying to claim my life and death meant something, when they couldnt even face the real me.
