Venting Being Forgotten

[Sleepwalkuntilsane]

I don't really believe in anything after death, and that my biggest hurdle to CTB. The idea that there is just endless nothingness, like sleep, after death is both comforting and terrifying at the same time. I know that in the grand scheme of things I'll be forgotten anyway, but that makes the idea of cutting short what little time I have anyways even more disturbing to me. I have done nothing with my life, and if I continue to live to the end of my natural lifespan my life will probably still amount to nothing, even on a small scale. If I do decide to CTB, my "friends" will forget about me before my body is even cold, and my family will forget in a year or two. My mom will blame me for making her feel like a bad mother, and my dad will continue to drink and take painkillers. The only one who I really think about hurting is my sister, but she will eventually move on with her life. I feel like my life should mean something beyond just ending, but I don't really know what that should be. I know its selfish to take your own life, and if I really wanted my life to mean something I'd actually do something to improve others lives, like charity or academic success or athletics. But I can't do any of those things, I've tried and I can't do any of those things at all. I just can't function like a person, I always fall apart. I've already planned a method that preserves most of my organs, so at least somebody can have a better life through me, but I still feel hollow and small. I want to impact people, to make some small impact on the world around me before I die, but I just can't.