Venting More rambling (someone please diagnose me)

[okkkk]

The connection between the simple sublime and my waking reality has been severed. My anxiety keeps me from being a part of society. At the end of highschool I was such a lonley pariah that I would eat lunch in the bathroom alone most days. The fact that the last sentence is a real event in my life and not some kind of thing I made up astounds me. When I was younger I would have never thought that I would be like this, this absolutely destroys me. I am so scared that this trend will continue into my twenties. I am so tired of missing out on life. I want to live so badly. But not at this cost. This isnt living. When I walk around my mouth is in stitches and my neck is craned at a 120 degree angle, scanning the concrete for cracks apparently, because I cant bear to meet the gaze of another. This is the type of behavior that cant be shaken by reason. Which is more frustrating than a room filled with mosquitos. Dragging a razor along my flesh isnt enough of a signal for my brain to recognize that the cashier at Kroger means me no harm and Its not going to kill you to try and make small talk with them. And yet it is so fucking hard, and my body has immediate physical reactions like Profuse sweating, I can ruin a shirt in seconds. Its a static-y stinging pain that envelops me and keeps me within my own bubble. fuck this bubble. fuck my life. I absolutley refuse to be alone and live my life in this boring cyclical hamster wheel. I would rather die.

 

[Thanatos]

Only fixes I've found for my anxiety are very temporary, mostly benzos. Without drugs I can turn it into anger sometimes

 

[Suicidal4Ever]

Ah i remember those bathroom lunches like it was yesterday. It sucked because the few people i actually talked to had a diffrent lunch hour. When you're at a lunch hour with no one you know you might as well be on the moon. Spent a lot of lunches either in the bathroom or library.

 

[Ratbat]

The connection between the simple sublime and my waking reality has been severed. My anxiety keeps me from being a part of society. At the end of highschool I was such a lonley pariah that I would eat lunch in the bathroom alone most days. The fact that the last sentence is a real event in my life and not some kind of thing I made up astounds me. When I was younger I would have never thought that I would be like this, this absolutely destroys me. I am so scared that this trend will continue into my twenties. I am so tired of missing out on life. I want to live so badly. But not at this cost. This isnt living. When I walk around my mouth is in stitches and my neck is craned at a 120 degree angle, scanning the concrete for cracks apparently, because I cant bear to meet the gaze of another. This is the type of behavior that cant be shaken by reason. Which is more frustrating than a room filled with mosquitos. Dragging a razor along my flesh isnt enough of a signal for my brain to recognize that the cashier at Kroger means me no harm and Its not going to kill you to try and make small talk with them. And yet it is so fucking hard, and my body has immediate physical reactions like Profuse sweating, I can ruin a shirt in seconds. Its a static-y stinging pain that envelops me and keeps me within my own bubble. fuck this bubble. fuck my life. I absolutley refuse to be alone and live my life in this boring cyclical hamster wheel. I would rather die.

I used to be the same.at school wandering around back against the wall head down to the ground it gets better but remember friends can bring thereown problems to