Venting More motivation for me to ctb; the legal system sucks.

[thatguyakira123]

I got into a fight with my abusive asshat of a brother again. He was arguing at my mom for giving him the same food for lunch today as he bought yesterday. Claimed that he said to her on Sunday that he told her he would buy it on Monday when he didn't. Claimed that he called her Monday and told her he bought it. He never said any of those things but trying to make the argument to our mom that he did. I got inbetween him shouting at her. We were already walking away and I put my hand infront of his face, though I had some distance, just so that he would back off my mom. He grabbed my hand, scraped it, threw me to the ground and beat me. Claimed I was "taking away his identity by doing that hand jesture" when we all know that's not true.

What followed was a series of lies, manipulation, emotional blackmail and projections that he normally spews from his mouth. I was simply afraid that he was gonna hurt our mom and I am constantly sick of him shouting at her and treating her like shit. The biggest lie he said that is he will never hurt her when he literally beat me up for putting up my hand. WTF?

I went to the police to make a report. The officer who was taking the report was an asshole. Said that I was the one inciting things by putting my hand in his face and if I hadn't do so he wouldn't get irritated and attack me. The officer said it to me multiple times as if I'm stupid but then I realized long after I left that it's because he was trying to work me. I did mention earlier in my conversation with the officer that my brother beat me up worse in 2013 but I guess I had to make it clear to the lazy dolt that my brother has a history of abusive behavior, wish I did at the time. But ofcourse I am a man and my abuser is brother so "I can't be a victim of abuse only an instigator" "this is just another brotherly spat" "boys will be boys" Satan, the double standard in this world is why more men ctb than women.

What the hell was I supposed to do let him shout at our mom? He's 33 and she's 64 for fuck sakes. So once again the legal system proves to be shit. My brother can be abusive as much as he wants so long as it's not physical but if I was to do something about it I am in the wrong. Man fuck this world. When I came home I had a small window to CTB, as my mom went out. I set everything up and was ready after 3 times of trying to get the courage to put my neck around the noose, then I heard the front gate and I panicked and quickly dissassembled everything. Hopefully I'll get the courage to do so in the morning. I just really can't take being alive anyome.

 

[thatguyakira123]

Update: Well I'm still here. I had and 1hr and 51 min to ctb (though I didn't know it at the time). I eneded up stalling most of the time. Convinced myself to skate for an hour. Then after that I set everything up. Drank one beer and tried, didn't when through with it. Drank another beer and tried again, was numb to the pain was a bit ready to just stay there and dissappear but still a bit too sober to go through with it. Began my 3rd beer when my mom came home. I quickly disassembled everything. Sigh. Something tells me with this 3rd beer I would've been able to do it. Now I dunno when I'll get a good window to CTB again.