Isn't catching the bus a way of leaving? sounds like you do want to leave you just don't want to live with the fallout of leaving.
that is the way most of us are - what could be considered the lesser of two evils in a way
both ways will make the pain continue for the rest of our lives, although with one, there is a chance the pain might end much sooner . . . although, maybe that option will just make the pain go for much longer instead, hence why people can be conflicted
I mean, yes, but I'm also too wuss for that, and I deserve the pain of living. I've been wanting to die since over half my life, so. Things just... are what they are, and it's effectively a mental form of self-harm I suppose
you do not deserve pain - you deserve to be happy, content and comfortable
i 100% understand that once said or done, nothing can ever be taken back, but
what context did your husband use when he said that. during an argument, it can be considered, that truth comes out, but usually it is just the bare, basic truth. it could also be considered that in the heat of the moment, he could not articulate his feelings properly. when in arguments, we are generally on edge already, with our egos leading the way, plus things are never normally thought through to get the whole point across. sadly, the basic point is not normally enough and tends to cause much more pain - especially to the female. that isn't suggesting anything more than women tend to remember every single detail in an argument whereas it seems men do not. i believe my mind is at least 50% female. i do not forget anything, will not let anything go, and if someone annoys me and asks what is wrong, the answer is "i'm fine" - sound familiar
. i remember things said from back when i was four, which was in 1973. my wife and i do not argue. we both go quiet when annoyed with the other. i do believe i can understand your perspective very well, but also the other 49% of my mind can see what his side may be about too. maybe cutting him some slack is a fair thing to do. it may not be, but the fact is, it never matters who is right or who is wrong. the only thing that matters is whether you win together or lose together. it seems to me, that you would rather win together, so hopefully you can make that happen
he may care very much that you are sad, but maybe he cannot do anything about it. men feel emotions totally different to women. again my mind seems to be half way - 100% when it comes to the half that you seem to be saying, and 100% when it comes to the side of your husband's where he probably cannot talk about feelings, even though you probably crave that. women for the most part, do not want an analytical mind working overtime to solve their problems, they just generally want someone to be there for them. men, have an analytical mind that works overtime trying to help the people they care about. what men can offer in this situation, is not what women want or need - venus and mars. maybe your situation is breaking him up inside, maybe he has had to build a wall to protect himself. men can only show true emotion in two places. in the shower, or when walking in the rain. even then it rarely happens. whether we should be like that or not is irrelevant - it is how we are wired or at the very least, taught to be when younger, and in all honesty it is a very good yin to the female yan. for the most part the traits of men and women do tend to compliment each other, even when they can seem so freaking annoying at times
if you are going through a rough patch, and with that comes (with no fault to either side - sadly, it is just the way it is) a rough patch for you two, then maybe putting the plans of kids on the back burner is a good idea. perhaps it was just a cry for help from him to try and get you to help yourself or to say he is at his wit's end and wants you to get better, but has no idea how he can help. i do not know, but once again in arguments it can be very dangerous to say too much, because even if everything that comes out does have truth to it, truths can also be full of contradictions. you have already alluded to as much here. you want to leave, but you do not want to leave him. you are thinking of leaving this world (why else would you be here), but do not want to leave it either . . . i know this part is hard (my own experience honestly) but things your husband said could be the same type of contradictions. no one really wants something 100%, especially kids. the dream would be magical, but the responsibility not so much. maybe you can still work it out with him, maybe not, but the odds are that one side of the partnership will realistically more able to communicate in a way that kids can be on the table again
i have no idea what jd is, except maybe for juvenile diabetes, but that doesn't seem to be realistic given the context and my perception
you seem to have, what on the outside seems to be a very good life. your husband may or may not be proud of you, but he is your husband and he is still there, so while there is life, there is hope. obviously, you have your own demons to try and get on top of, and hopefully you can somehow. the problem between you and your husband might be as simple as women need emotional support, but men find it difficult to convey that. many of us do not even know what it is or how to even start to give it. groups of women are always hugging each other and giving each other compliments to their faces (while many times being catty behind their backs). men start off by saying "hey c#$t" as a greeting. sorry for even the thought of that word, but that is what we do (or most others do - i am half and half . . . again). it is a term of endearment, and while we sometimes look like we are bickering to each other's faces, we are fiercely loyal behind their backs. in most of these situations, it is the woman who needs to give to keep everything running, because the man simply cannot talk about his feelings. at times, he doesn't even have any. when you ask him what he is thinking it is probably true that he is thinking nothing at all. that isn't stereotypical, it is true. this will sound very negative, i know, but i do not like to sugar coat many things, and hope people can read between the lines or look outside their square to understand what i am saying. it is said men only want 2 things - their stomach full, and another part of their body empty. to me, a woman only wants one thing. the exact opposite of what she has at any given time. once again, i believe i understand this myself, due to my mind going in all different directions, rather than in a straight line as most men's seem to, but a man can almost certainly be 100% happy or sad at any given time. a woman's mind sees so many different scenarios in any given subject, that she has the ability to break everything down and wish for more. by doing that, she (and myself) can rob ourselves of the good points that we already have. ambition is good, but sometimes being able to see what we have and appreciate it for what it is is the greatest gift we can be given
i hope you can get on top of your demons and do it in conjunction with your husband - and if both of you still want it, have an absolutely amazing and beautiful family
